8 Pieces Of Truly Bad Marriage Advice To Ignore If You Want Yours To Be Happy
Some classic marriage advice is flat-out terrible — here's what you should never follow.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Marriage is one of the biggest decisions most people will ever make. Couples marry for love, companionship, and the desire to commit to one person for life. Because it's such a serious choice, it's no surprise that people are quick to seek out marriage advice — hoping to avoid conflict and strengthen their relationship.
But here's the problem: not all advice is good advice. In fact, some of the most common "rules" people hand out can quietly sabotage your relationship instead of helping it. If you want a happy, healthy marriage, these are some pieces of bad marital advice you should ignore right away.
Here are eight pieces of truly bad marriage advice to ignore if you want yours to be happy:
1. "Marriage should be easy if you're with the right person"
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This advice sets you up to question everything. Once you experience an inevitable conflict or difficult situation, you will ask, "Did I fool myself?", "Is this person really the love of my life?" or even "Did I make the right decision?"
If you start out expecting marriage to be easy, you will waste a lot of energy asking the wrong questions. Studies show that people who enter marriage with very high expectations tend to report higher levels of marital dissatisfaction when reality doesn’t match up.
Instead, communicate with your spouse and ask the right questions. Seek to understand and gain insight into how your spouse perceives the situation.
Healthy relationships allow each partner to share their perspective, think about the other’s position, and freely change or maintain their views.
In a bad marriage, the conversation is lopsided, if there's a conversation at all. One person is pressured, manipulated, and influenced to agree with the other, regardless of what they think.
2. "You and your spouse should like all the same things"
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Sure, it's nice to share similar interests with your partner. Without things in common, you would not be attracted in the first place.
However, too much sameness may become predictable and boring. Studies show that while similarity in personality and values is linked with higher marital satisfaction, differences in other areas can offer space for learning and keeping things interesting. Couples who are interested in different things can share their interest with each other, providing an opportunity to listen, learn, teach, and explore new experiences.
Even if your spouse is not interested in participating in your new endeavor, they can still support and appreciate your opportunity.
Don’t be afraid to run out of new common interests. Committed couples who share a life tend to develop new common interests all the time. Differences help couples avoid the ‘rut’ and keep life exciting.
3. "Happy couples are intimate every day"
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Every day? For most people, this advice is unsustainable. Most couples aren't physically intimate every day. Work and family obligations may not afford them the "alone" time they need. Frequency also drops with age.
A study involving 1,170 participants asked couples to complete a frequency survey and then repeat it ten years later. The findings show that 34 percent of the couples were physically intimate two to three times a week, 45 percent engaged a few times a month, and 13 percent were intimate a few times a year.
Ten years later, the frequency of intimacy for these couples decreased over time. Being intimate every day will not save your marriage or increase feelings of passion and romance. Trying to reach this impossible goal will only lead to disappointment. Instead, discuss your spouse's expectations. Spend time alone because you want to, not because you feel you have to. Don't turn intimacy into a dreaded chore. Keep it fun!
4. "Marriage is just a piece of paper"
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Marriage is not "just a piece of paper" intended to be a time-limited contractual deal. In fact, it’s just the opposite — couples who define marriage as a lifelong commitment — not merely a legal formality — show significantly better marital quality, more willingness to make sacrifices, and lower rates of divorce.
For example, Christians see marriage as a public announcement of commitment before God that they will love each other.
Regardless of your spiritual beliefs, your definition of marriage matters. If you choose to marry, ask your partner, "What does this piece of paper mean to you?" This is an important question. The answer defines your meaning of marriage.
If marriage is more than "a piece of paper" and is defined as a life-long commitment, you will work together to love, cherish, and respect the bond you share.
If marriage is "just a piece of paper," then your marriage may be disposable and, eventually, meaningless.
5. "Having kids will fix your marriage problems"
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Having children doesn't prevent a marriage in turmoil from falling apart. This isn't meant to discourage couples from having kids, but to point out that children introduce many changes that often come with stress.
Couples with children typically experience less alone time and more financial stress. They may struggle with re-balancing their work, social, family, and sleep schedules to accommodate the needs of their children. And, if your child has a medical illness or disability, more stress is piled on top of that. Many studies show that parental satisfaction tends to decline sharply in the first year after a child is born, and having more children has been tied to steeper drops in marital satisfaction.
For couples who struggle with communication, commitment, trust, infidelity, and a whole host of unresolved challenges, adding children to the mix can escalate marriage problems and completely shatter the already weak foundation.
Consider marital counseling to build back the foundation you need if you decide to add children.
6. "A marriage without physical intimacy can't survive"
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Although marriages without any physical intimacy at all are in the minority, many still survive. Marriages can thrive if both partners are unaffected by the absence of intimacy. However, when one partner feels ignored, neglected, frustrated, and longs for the companionship they expected, conflicts about their intimacy-less marriage can arise.
Talking about how to navigate this dilemma is key. Research on marriages without physical intimacy shows that couples with strong communal bonds can work through it. Partners with high communal strength see their marriage as a joint endeavor. They are motivated and willing to meet their partner’s needs, even if their own desire is low. These couples report greater marital satisfaction.
7. "You should stay together, no matter what"
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What if your spouse is controlling, manipulative, and dismissive? This rejects the idea of an equal partnership. If you feel punished, emotionally tormented, or physically afraid of your spouse, tell someone.
Remaining married because "you made the commitment" lets a toxic (and potentially dangerous) cycle continue — the victim stays isolated while the aggressor keeps their harmful behavior.
8. "Everything in marriage should be split 50/50"
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Splitting marital responsibilities equally is impractical and encourages the unhelpful habit of keeping score. When one side falls behind, resentment is directed toward the spouse perceived as not doing their fair share.
Traditionally, the wife was expected to care for children and organize every aspect of school, medical appointments, and social needs while doing all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. The husband’s accepted role was to provide financially for the home.
Then the roles changed. Not much changed, though.
The research found that men tend to devalue "unpaid labor" and, as a result, do less in the home, regardless if their wife is working or not.
The solution is not to divide responsibilities 50-50 but rather to negotiate together about how tasks will get done.
Negotiate a reasonable plan for how things can be done. Split chores up as fairly as possible and hire help if you can afford it. Whatever you decide, decide together.
Couples who are married or planning to marry will undoubtedly receive an assortment of marital advice.
Talk with your partner about the advice you receive. Decide together whether the advice is practical or terrible. Make a list of your own advice that will promote a foundation of trust, love, and commitment for your marriage.
Carry this list of bad marriage advice with you and build on it as you experience the challenges and treasures of your marriage.
Nancy Musarra is a clinical psychologist and author of the book, The New Normal: 7 Things to Know as You Care for & Love a Child with Special Needs. She shares her clinical expertise in the area of developmental disabilities and mental health challenges through her workshops, books, and consultations.
