11 Things You’ll Never Hear A Securely Attached Person Say In A Relationship
I repeat: securely attached people never say these things.
iona didishvili / Shutterstock Having been in an insecure relationship and a secure relationship, I can honestly say that there is a night and day difference between the two. When you know where you stand with your partner, it feels like your entire world blossoms. You feel confident, happy, and safe.
A secure relationship can bring you immeasurable joy. A relationship that involves an insecure attachment will have you second-guessing everything, including yourself and your value as a human being. If you want to know if you’re really in a secure relationship, watch what you say. The phrases below are things you'll never hear a securely attached person say in their relationship.
These are 11 things you’ll never hear a securely attached person say in a relationship
1. ‘Do you love me?’
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Unless there is some type of inside joke between the two of you, you’ll never have to ask your partner if they love you. The whole point of secure attachment is that it makes you feel secure enough not to have to ask or wonder.
If you have to repeatedly ask your partner if they are in love with you, it’s not a secure relationship.
2. ‘It must be nice to have someone who...’
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This is another one of those signs of a person who hasn’t really felt secure in a relationship. When you don’t feel loved, you tend to want to push your partner for some kind of recognition of the relationship.
Romantic gestures are a form of social proof, and yes, they are evidence of a person caring about you. If you never get those gestures even when you ask for them, you might get bitter, and this is when you might say stuff like this. It’s a warning sign that you’re being neglected.
3. ‘People like that don’t exist anymore!’
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Yes, it’s normal to be pessimistic about the dating scene these days. I mean, the nightmare stories on TikTok are reason enough to feel fatigued when you open up that dating app. Though it’s not always easy to find a good man, you have to believe me, they do exist.
That kind of dismal thinking suggests that the person in question has been in traumatizing relationship after traumatizing relationship.
4. ‘Do you think they're seeing someone else?’
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When you are securely attached to a guy, you don’t doubt that he’s all about you and only you. Insecure attachment, anxious attachment, and avoidant attachment styles, though? They tend to make you feel like you’re not the one getting all the attention.
People who are insecure in their relationship often will ask friends what the deal is. They may even sniff around for evidence of infidelity…likely, because there actually might be evidence.
5. ‘Where is this relationship headed?’
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When you’re secure in a relationship, you don’t ask if your partner is interested in marrying you. You know, because they make it abundantly clear to you where you stand. Every romantic gesture, every talk about the future, every little thing makes it clear.
As the old internet trope goes, “If he wanted to, he would,” and you would definitely know where you stand.
6. ‘Are you even listening to me?’
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One of the key signs of a secure relationship is a partner who ends up showing it through genuine interest in what you have to say. A secure partner will not only listen with rapt attention but also ask questions and remember the little things you say.
A secure relationship makes you feel heard in the best way possible. If you are in a secure relationship, you won’t have to ask if he’s hearing you.
7. ‘When will I meet your parents?’
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Meeting your partner’s parents is a major stepping stone for any relationship, which is why it’s taken as a sign that things are getting serious. Much like other questions on this list, if you have to ask this, it’s likely because you don’t feel secure in your relationship.
A partner who wants to be with you won’t have an issue introducing you to everyone in their life. If you have to ask your partner, or worse, badger them about it, it might be a sign that you’re not as secure as you think you are.
8. ‘I need to see what’s on their phone...’
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A good rule of thumb is to break up with a partner the moment you can’t trust them enough to avoid peeping on their phones. A healthy relationship never involves policing your partner about their whereabouts on their phone.
Snooping is a clear sign that you don’t trust your partner. In fact, it’s a sign that your relationship has likely already become toxic. Should this become your regular life, you’ll be better off to call it a day.
9. ‘Am I better than her? Do you really find me beautiful?’
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Insecure relationships tend to bring out the worst in our insecurities. When your partner doesn’t make you feel secure, it’s normal to have your mind start to play tricks on you. You might start comparing yourself to others, fishing for compliments, or even begin to act dramatic just to get attention.
If you constantly find yourself digging for compliments from your partner, you’re not in a secure relationship.
10. ‘If you really loved me, you’d…’
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This isn’t just a phrase that involves insecure relationship dynamics. It’s a phrase that tends to mean your relationship is downright toxic. This particular phrase is a textbook example of emotional blackmail, and it’s meant to make you feel insecure about your value as a partner.
If you have to resort to emotional blackmail to get your needs met, I have bad news for you. You’re not in a secure relationship. You’re in an abusive one.
11. ‘I’m tired of having to explain my basic needs to you’
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Every relationship requires a little communication, including secure ones. It’s normal and healthy to explain to your partner what you want, need, and expect from them. It is not normal to have to repeat yourself on a near-daily basis about things that should be common sense. It’s also really not normal to have to feel like you have to justify basic emotional needs to your partner.
Secure relationships won’t make you feel like you have to explain yourself all the time. Insecure ones will make you explain basic human decency until you’re blue in the face. Eventually, even the most patient partner will get tired of talking—and that’s usually when they start walking.
Go ahead. Ask me how I know.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
