9 Ways Secure People Apologize Differently After A Fight, According To Psychology
What to do when 'I'm sorry,' won't cut it.
Adéla Monczková | Unsplash In relationships, we hurt one another. Sometimes we do it on purpose, and sometimes we have no idea that we offended our partner. Once we realize that we inflicted pain on them, whether we intend to or not, the correct thing to do is to say, "I'm sorry" and repair the damage.
Apologizing can feel extremely difficult, if not impossible. Saying, "I'm sorry" is hard. It makes us feel vulnerable and, in general, is a very challenging enterprise. Before we offer an apology of any kind, we must prepare ourselves for either no response or a wide range of responses from the other person (including negative ones).
Depending on the degree or nature of the hurt, it may take your partner a while to accept your attempt at repairing the relationship. But if you're truly sorry and you're secure in yourself, be prepared for forgiveness to take some time.
Here are nine ways secure people apologize differently after a fight, according to psychology:
1. They say it with words
GaudiLab / Shutterstock
Say the actual words "I'm so sorry" and then add exactly what you are sorry for. Let your spouse know that you're aware of the actions and words that caused the hurt.
Name your crime specifically when you say, "I'm sorry." Acknowledging their role in the transgression and taking ownership of their actions, rather than deflecting blame or making excuses.
2. They say it with a look
fizkes / Shutterstock
Don’t fake remorse because doing so will likely do more damage. When you apologize, make sure you have a genuine look on your face that you really are sorry.
Saying the words but having a smirk, grin, air of indifference, or some other expression will tell your partner that you are trying to say the right thing, but you don’t mean it.
While research on apologies typically focuses on verbal components, non-verbal cues such as eye contact are also important for conveying sincerity. Securely attached individuals tend to be more comfortable with intimacy and expressing emotions, making them more likely to maintain appropriate eye contact during an apology, which can signal sincerity and remorse.
3. They say it with a touch
fizkes / Shutterstock
When you know that your partner is ready to hear the words "I'm sorry," add a soft and gentle touch. Don't use an intimate touch, but, rather, a touch that communicates "I care about you, and I want you to be okay."
Studies show that touch can play a significant role in expressing empathy and support during the repair process. Touch, when used appropriately and with genuine intent, can significantly increase positive responses.
4. They say it with a note
Oksana Klymenko / Shutterstock
Struggle to say the right words? Try writing a note that expresses how you feel about what happened. Convey that you're sorry, and also add a little about how you think your actions may have made your spouse feel.
Let her/him know that even if it takes some time, you want their forgiveness. Avoid trying to explain why it happened, as that may only do more damage — save that for a later time.
Research suggests that individuals with a secure attachment style tend to be particularly adept at delivering effective apologies. This ability is rooted in their strong emotional regulation skills and their capacity for empathy and self-awareness.
5. They say it with a gift
fast-stock / Shutterstock
A small gift or token can help repair the damage that was done. You can give this gift with a note or when you say the words, "I'm sorry."
Be careful not to overuse this method of making amends, however. You don’t want your partner to think you believe you can buy her/him off with a gift and then repeat your offensive behavior later.
6. They say it with emotion
Pixel-Shot / Shutterstock
When a woman feels hurt, the emotions associated with that hurt get attached to the memory of that event. When something reminds her of the event, the hurt has a way of returning full force, as if the event just happened again. When you say, "I'm sorry" to her, try to do so in a way that has some emotion attached to it.
Note: Using humor is not always a good choice here. She needs to see in your face and hear in your voice (as well as through your words) that you fully understand that you hurt her, you take responsibility for it, and your hope is that you can repair the damage you've done.
The ability to apologize effectively and with appropriate emotion is vital for healthy relationships and conflict resolution, according to research. Secure attachment fosters this capacity through individuals' strengths in empathy, emotional regulation, and willingness to take responsibility and seek repair.
7. They say it with an act of service
fizkes / Shutterstock
Is there a particular task that your partner wants done that you've been putting off? Now might be the perfect time to do it.
Don't do this as a payoff for your crime or with the expectation that all is forgiven. Just do what you've neglected doing, and, later, when you say, "I'm sorry," you can let her know that part of your gift to repair what you have done is that you took care of the task you know she wanted done.
8. They say it with a sacrifice
Cast Of Thousands / Shutterstock
If you know that what you did is particularly hurtful to your partner and/or if this is a repeat offense you were determined never to do again, consider going the "extra mile." Think of something you can do that will either be very meaningful to your partner or will get across the point that you fully recognize the negative impact of your action.
Take on a task/project that is going to cost you something in the way of time and energy as a way of "paying for your crime." You can let your partner know that you did this because you're fully aware of the extent of the hurt you caused, and you want it to cost you something so that you never do it again.
Research has shown that securely attached people tend to offer more comprehensive apologies, encompassing several strategies. This could include accepting responsibility, explaining without deflecting blame, attempting repair, promising behavioral change, and acknowledging harm.
9. They say it with understanding
fizkes / Shutterstock
The point here is to let your partner know you understand some of what he/she may have felt as a result of what you have done. Think through how it might have affected you, but even more, consider how you think your partner felt.
You know your partner; you know her/his life experiences. Often, your partner may feel very differently about what happened than you would based on his/her life experiences, so include that information in your thought process as you prepare to share with her.
Drs. Debbie and David McFadden have master's degrees in education and social work and are relationship and life coaches specializing in helping struggling and distressed couples improve their relationships.
