5 Things Deeply Insecure People Do On A Regular Basis
What people with low self-worth do quite often.
Mikhail Nilov | Canva Most of us want meaningful romantic partnerships in our lives. Yet, even when we meet someone we want to date more seriously, there are ways deeply insecure people intentionally and unintentionally sabotage our romantic relationships.
Romantic self-sabotage is a pattern of self-destructive behaviors in relationships that interfere with healthy connection and justify a breakup. Ironically, we often sabotage relationships to protect ourselves from getting too close or connected to others because when we care, breaking up hurts a lot more.
According to findings from a 2021 study that explored self-sabotaging behaviors in 696 individuals, there are five primary reasons you may sabotage your romantic relationships — and they're often behaviors exhibited by deeply insecure people.
Here are five things deeply insecure people do on a regular basis:
1. Operate from a place of fear, not confidence
Gladskikh Tatiana / Shutterstock
The most common reason people are insecure is because of fear. This includes fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned by someone we care for deeply, or a more general fear of commitment.
Based on fear, you may say things that sabotage your relationships, like:
- “I’m afraid of having my heart broken again, so I'm leaving before they do.”
- “I don’t want to get too attached because it will only hurt later.”
- “I don’t want to give all of myself to someone because it’ll be devastating when they leave.”
2. Struggle to see their worth
Nicoleta Ionescu / Shutterstock
Self-sabotaging behaviors are often motivated by a negative self-concept and low self-esteem. If you don't feel deserving of a healthy, connected partner or successful relationship, you may thwart its development.
Based on low self-esteem, you may say things like:
- “I’m not good enough or worthy of love.”
- “I don’t feel confident anymore.”
- “I find reasons to leave before they realize I'm broken and don’t deserve them.”
3. Keep their guard up with everyone
fizkes / Shutterstock
Having previous relationships that ended because of infidelity, dishonesty, and distrust often leads to insecurity. It comes from an internal assumption that no one can be trusted, so there is no point in allowing yourself to get close.
Based on broken trust, you may say things like:
- “I never trust anyone 100 percent anymore.”
- “Commitment seems impossible nowadays.”
- “I don’t know if I can really give a new person the chance to earn my trust because I’m always looking for them to break it.”
4. Expect perfection — from themselves or others
Andres Ayrton / Pexels
Having unrealistically high expectations for romantic relationships, like holding highly perfectionist views of how a romantic partner should be or believing in romantic destiny, can lead you to reject partners who exhibit any unideal qualities.
Based on unrealistic expectations, you may say things like:
- “My relationships never measure up to what I want.”
- “Since I can’t have the fairytale, why even bother?”
- “Everyone I date ends up disappointing me.”
5. Struggle to navigate emotional intimacy
Rachata Teyparsit / Shutterstock
Deeply insecure people don't know what it takes to have a healthy, successful romantic relationship. This includes behaviors that hurt a relationship because you lack experience, are inflexible, immature, or have learned that you're helpless to make a relationship work.
Based purely on a lack of relationship skills, you may say things like:
- “I’m not sure how to date — I have no idea what I’m doing.”
- “I can’t find the motivation or desire to find a good mate.”
- “I only want a relationship if it suits my needs — it has to be my way.”
The good news about understanding these motivations is that once you admit you do them, you can take steps to change. Recognizing that you tend to hurt your relationships in characteristic ways can help you understand why you’re doing it and stop before it creates so much relationship discord that a breakup is inevitable.
Cortney Warren, Ph.D., ABPP, is a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor of psychiatry at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. She is an expert on eating disorders, self-deception, and the practice of psychotherapy from a cross-cultural perspective.
