11 Self-Defeating Habits Of Couples In Truly Miserable Marriages
Ray Bond | Shutterstock Marriages don't always fall apart in loud, messy ways. In fact, people often notice their marriage deteriorating over time, even if their partner doesn't quite see it the same way. The relationship can erode at such a slow pace, couples don't notice that the ground beneath them is slipping away. Whether it's a betrayal of trust or conversations revolving solely around the kids, the connection isn't the same as it once was.
The self-defeating habits of couples in truly miserable marriages may not announce themselves right away. So, it's important for couples to understand their needs and how they want to show up for one another. Expectations might change, but love and compassion should be core parts of a healthy marriage.
Here are 11 self-defeating habits of couples in truly miserable marriages
1. They only have superficial conversations
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Small talk is part of every relationship, but if your conversations only exist on the surface level, something is wrong. While not every text can be a love note with heart-eye emojis, and not every conversation can be a deep dive on your hopes and dreams, you still have to talk about who's making dinner.
For every discussion around daily details, couples should also talk about how they feel and their hopes for their future together. They can't feel connected without emotional intimacy, and opening up is a crucial part of cultivating that kind of bond.
As researcher Brené Brown wrote in her book "Dare to Lead," true communication means making "a commitment to lean into vulnerability, to stay curious and generous, to stick with the messy middle of problem identification and solving, to take a break and circle back when necessary, to be fearless in owning our parts."
2. They avoid each other
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In the beginning of a relationship, there aren't enough hours in the day to spend with your spouse. Even if it's running errands or watching television, every moment together is full of laughter and that warm, buzzing feeling. As time goes on, you'll likely settle into a comfortable familiarity, but sometimes, that settling means the marriage has transformed into something not so healthy.
Feeling more like roommates can indicate that couples are feeling miserable and simply co-existing. They spend more time on their hobbies than with each other, staying busy to avoid interacting. They don't look forward to seeing each other at the end of the day, and being together feels like a chore.
But as licensed mental health counselor Mac Stanley Cazeau revealed, "Feeling like roommates doesn’t mean your relationship is broken or that love is gone. It means you’ve entered a common season where life’s demands have slowly crowded out emotional intimacy... [Relationships] drift apart because partners gradually stop turning toward each other in the small, everyday moments that build and sustain connection. The good news is that those same small moments are exactly where reconnection begins."
3. They keep score of past mistakes
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Making mistakes is an inevitable part of any relationship, and couples are bound to hurt the person they love. But it's the way they manage that pain that makes a difference. Psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein pointed out that keeping a running tally in your head can be a fleeting, harmless thought exercise, but it can also indicate a level of toxicity between partners.
Scorekeeping often devolves into passive-aggressive comments or being cruel to each other. Couples become so focused on what the other is doing wrong that they stop noticing the ways they're available. And over time, the ability to empathize disappears, fostering resentment instead of appreciation.
4. They emotionally drain one another
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Being with your partner might not be easy all the time, but they should uplift you, not drag you down. So, when you find yourself drained by every interaction, alarm bells should be ringing. While being in direct conflict can be exhausting, holding tension inside and repressing your true feelings can are equally as tiring.
Being emotionally drained makes it hard to experience life together. And at the end of the day, being with your spouse should bring out the best in you, all because you meet each other with compassion instead of hushed resentment.
5. They don't confide in each other
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The bond you share with your spouse should be rooted in a sense of security. If you find yourself pulling back because they don't provide a safe place for you to land, it's clear that there's some distance growing. When couples confide in one another, they're giving their relationship depth, while forming a closer bond. But without emotional intimacy, relationships fall apart.
According to research published in PLOS Medicine, emotional intimacy is linked to increased longevity and health. Couples tend to feel more in sync with one another and put the work in to have a strong future together. It not only positively impacts their relationship as a whole, but their individual well-being.
6. They nitpick their partner's habits
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No one is perfect, and getting annoyed by your spouse's little inconsistencies is part of loving them. But sometimes, that annoyance gets so overwhelming, it overshadows their good parts. Part of being in a marriage means accepting that you can't change someone else's behavior, only your own reaction.
Yet being harshly attuned to every flaw doesn't actually solve anything. Instead of leading to productive conversations or changing habits, it makes a partner feel inferior and reduces them to their perceived failures. Even if it's easier to take swipes at your spouse for not putting their socks in the hamper rather than talk about the relationship, it's necessary to prevent a marriage from becoming more miserable.
7. They feel relieved when their spouse is away
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Having alone time is actually an essential part of staying together. According to psychology researcher Alice Boyes, "When couples are temporarily apart, both the person who is away and the one left at home can experience growth." And the benefits of that growth include gaining new skills and improving conversations.
Each half of a couple needs to focus on having an independent life. They need to cultivate interests outside of the marriage in order for it to work, but there should also be moments of reconnection. And if all a person feels when their spouse is away is relief, it might be time to reassess what they're hoping the marriage will bring.
8. Their routines don't match
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A lot can get lost over the course of a marriage, especially when couples are parenting together. It might feel like you're juggling too many responsibilities at one time, where keeping everything copacetic is so challenging that you barely have time left for one another. It's one person having to chauffeur the kids to soccer practice while the other has to take charge of dentist appointments, and that can make it hard to feel like you're sharing a life.
While some amount of separation over the course of a day is to be expected, existing in your own orbit often indicates that your disconnect goes deeper than you might be willing to admit. Ultimately, you should feel like you have a shared, overlapping life, not two lives running parallel to each other.
9. They don't fight anymore
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Not fighting isn't necessarily a sign of a happy, stable marriage. In fact, it can indicate that one or both spouses have stopped caring, because they feel truly miserable in their marriage. Experiencing conflict in relationships is more than normal, it's entirely expected.
According to stress management expert Elizabeth Scott, "While it can be difficult and uncomfortable, conflict in a relationship is not always a bad thing. When it is healthy and productive, relationship conflict presents an opportunity for people to learn about how others see and experience the world. It can also generate creative solutions to problems and help people grow."
10. They feel jealous of other couples
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When couples feel like they're in a truly miserable marriage, other people's happiness might feel like a personal affront. They can't stand seeing other couples in love, satisfied by one another, as though that couple's harmony is the direct reason for their misery. Even close family and friends having success in their own relationships can make them feel angry and jealous.
It actually has nothing to do with other couples, it's really just because they're unhappy in their own marriage. And while being a witness to other couples' love might make people feel resentful, it's often a sign of something much deeper.
11. They feel lonely in their marriage
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Feeling lonely in a relationship is a particularly painful experience, one that makes you question what you believe. You might wonder why you feel more alone with your partner than without them. You might feel like they don't know the real you, and they don't care to find out.
Therapist Esther Perel described this emotion as "ambiguous loss," or "what we feel when a loved one is physically present, but in all other ways, absent from a relationship." It's not a good feeling at all, but couples can take small steps to bridge the gap between them and bring happiness back to their connection.
Making time to sit together and share your inner world can connect two spouses who have drifted apart. It might not be a comfortable conversation, but sharing what you really feel will bring you to a place of understanding.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer based in Boston, Massachusetts who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
