10 Signs You're Married To Someone Who Wants An Award For Doing Basic Household Chores
Trzykropy | Shutterstock You’ve heard of weaponized incompetence, or pretending not to be great at something to get out of doing it, but what about someone who wants praise for cleaning and tidying the home? Worst of all, what if you’re married to someone who wants an award for doing basic household chores and expects constant validation? For many women who bear the burden of most labor, both emotional and tangible, in their marriages with men, it’s a reality.
They act not as an equal partner at home, but rather as a parent or guardian, dishing out rewards to someone at home doing the dishes, even if every other night of the week they’re doing them plus a thousand other things. There’s a gap in responsibility, but also in expectation. One person is going above and beyond, and one is lingering in immaturity way too late in life.
Here are 10 signs you’re married to someone who wants an award for doing basic household chores
1. They wait until you’re watching them to start cleaning
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Women who have uninvolved male partners at home tend to boast more psychological distress, as well as marital dissatisfaction and overall unhappiness. They feel like they have to parent their own spouse, begging them for the bare minimum and then being expected to reward them for doing something they’ve done thousands of times over.
It feels so childish. They wait for their partner to come home and ask them for something, but are never proactive enough to do something when they’re not looking. They need the recognition and the praise, even if it comes at the expense of their partner’s well-being and the relationship’s stability.
2. They justify rest by naming everything they did
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Adults expecting constant reward for their bare minimum labor always try to justify doing nothing when they know they’re not going to be praised for helping. It’s always “well, I did the chores last night” or “I did X, Y, and Z, and I’m still tired” when you ask them to help, rather than an enthusiastic “yes” to help the person they love.
Especially in a situation where a woman is asking their male partner for help, and they’re justifying all the reasons why they’re too tired to do them, chances are she also already feels the same exhaustion. She’s working and earning the same, if not more, than her partner, and yet, she’s still expected to handle most of the labor at home, whether it’s emotional work or chores.
3. They refuse to spend time alone
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Many people who need acknowledgement or reward for everything are operating from a place of insecurity and internal discomfort. They need external praise and attention because they can’t provide that sense of stability for themselves.
Usually, they’re quite codependent in relationships, both emotionally and physically. They need their partner around constantly to help them complete tasks, but also to feel better about themselves internally. That’s why they generally avoid alone time.
They hate the stillness of being with their own thoughts, despite the health benefits of doing so, but they also can’t reassure themselves in the same ways they demand of other people.
4. They rarely take on extra responsibilities
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Despite loving the recognition from doing the bare minimum, most people chasing external validation aren’t going above and beyond. They love praise, not discomfort, so they’re not going to go out of their way to take on more responsibility or labor.
We often speak about one-sided relationships from the framework of commitment or emotional investment, but these kinds of dynamics are just as harmful. One person does all the labor, emotionally and literally, while the other expects constant praise. It’s unbalanced, and one partner will inevitably end up exhausted and disconnected.
5. They’re passive-aggressive and moody
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When they don’t get the attention they rely on to feel secure, immature partners become moody and passive-aggressive. They can’t say, “I need you to give me positive attention right now,” because they know, subconsciously, that they’re acting like a child. They know that they should be able to do chores without expecting constant praise from their “equal.”
Passive-aggression often stems from these underlying feelings of sadness and disappointment that these individuals can’t process and verbalize. So, instead, they offer the silent treatment and make small jabs at their partner, coping with a lack of attention that they really shouldn’t need for comfort in the first place.
6. They’re always keeping score
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Transactional relationships are founded on this behavior of keeping score. Every time a partner does something, they’re keeping track of it, usually to weaponize it later on to get something they want. They’re always saying “you owe me,” instead of “I need support,” because they don’t believe in unconditional anything in a relationship, even love.
Usually, because their self-worth is rooted in external praise and validation anyway, they can’t help but barter to get what they need to feel secure, even when it comes at the expense of a good, healthy relationship.
7. They constantly fish for compliments
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We all want to be seen and valued. It’s in our human nature. However, sometimes people with a deep sense of insecurity can’t help but fish for that praise from other people, often in subtly manipulative ways, according to psychology professor Joachim I. Krueger.
Instead of doing things for the sake of supporting a partner or uplifting unconditional love expectations, they fish for compliments for the bare minimum. It’s clear they’re more worried about protecting their own comfort and fickle ego than actually showing up for their spouse.
8. They avoid chores that require privacy
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On top of refusing to do chores and labor when nobody is at home to notice or reward them, immature partners like these also avoid obligations they have to do in private. If the laundry room isn’t demanding attention in the middle of the house or the car needs to be washed before they get home, they’re not doing them.
Their main motivation is praise, and if nobody notices them doing something, it’s not worth the effort.
9. They make their effort a performance
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Instead of quietly doing chores and supporting their partner unconditionally, being married to an attention-seeker means there’s a performance for everything. Every small task and chore is evidence of their character. “Look how good I am” and “Aren’t you lucky to have me?” are all constant phrases flying around the home of someone in desperate need of reassurance.
While these moments of attention might bring a fleeting kind of comfort, a 2021 study argues that constant reassurance-seeking actually exacerbates all kinds of mental health concerns, including depression.
10. They make simple tasks more difficult
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From exaggerating how much time or effort a chore took them without an audience to complaining about something at home, to get the most recognition they can, these partners need simple tasks to seem way more complicated than they are.
If they ask for praise simply for unloading the dishwasher, they’re not going to get the validation they need. However, suggesting that they had to wait for the dishwasher or fix a big problem makes the praise they get much bigger, hence why they keep exaggerating.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
