6 Rare Habits That Keep People Securely In Love For Decades
When these signs are present, you know that you are safe and secure in your relationship.
Peopleimages.com - YuriArcurs | Canva How long can you continue loving without your need to feel loved and appreciated being met? You try to talk to your partner about your needs, and it just results in anger or avoidance. You may even feel worse. Any disagreement results in feeling like you are unworthy of being securely in love.
Insecure people tend to externalize and blame those around them for their insecure feelings. You may feel angry that they don't meet your needs, and want to get back at them, or blame yourself. Despite them being insecure and taking it out on you, you can still move your relationship to a more selfless place.
Here are 6 selfless habits that keep people securely in love for decades:
1. People who are securely in love prioritize 'we' over 'me'
Each partner needs to commit to the relationship's needs ahead of their own needs.
Insecure couples are focused on meeting their own needs. For example, one might get upset if they aren’t physically intimate as often as they want. The other might be upset that their partner doesn't spend enough time with them, so they don't want to be intimate.
Their need for emotional closeness is unmet, resulting in the other's need for physical intimacy being unmet, and round and round they go.
If being a couple was their priority, they would want to spend time being emotionally close to each other to meet their needs, and they would want to be intimate because their needs were met.
Both would benefit from giving to the other. Once this couple's needs are met, they are more secure with each other and more able to meet each other's needs.
2. They put in the effort they expect to get in return
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Let's think of the relationship of an entity. This entity is called your "relationship baby."
This "baby" is only as healthy as what you each put into it. If one person puts 100 percent and the other person is only putting 5 percent effort into the "baby", the baby is only going to be 5 percent healthy.
One person will be giving and not receiving anything in the couple-ship. The other person will be receiving and not giving.
Do you see the imbalance here? Ideally, both partners would give 100 percent effort all the time.
Then both would get their needs met, no one is neglected, and the couple is emotionally healthy. Life does happen, and there will be times when the giving and receiving are tilted in one direction or another, which is normal.
3. They understand the value of partnership
Two people participate in a couple. Otherwise, it's not a couple. It's two people in proximity to one another.
If you neglect your partner, you will eventually cause your pain. You will use them up, and they will leave you.
The only way to get your own needs met consistently is to give your partner love, safety, and security. If one or both persons are abusive emotionally, physically, or spiritually, the health of the relationship is at risk.
The best-case scenario is a couple who values personal growth and works on their insecurities by building self-esteem so they can give to their partner.
4. They prioritize safety in the relationship
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Each partner buys into being a safe person for the other.
This means that you reflect on your behavior and ask yourself, "Do I want to be treated the way I am treating my partner?"
Other times, an individual with insecurity will treat themselves poorly and treat other people better than they treat themselves. These insecure people need to ask themselves, "Would I treat my best friend as poorly as I am treating myself?"
Then shift your thoughts and behaviors to be safer for yourself and others. As your insecurity wanes, you become more secure and more able to give to your relationship.
5. They value personal integrity
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Insecure individuals tend to do things to appease others or to gain approval from others. You may say you will bring a salad to the potluck, even though you have no intention of following through.
You try to avoid conflict, but only delay it. Try instead to say "no" when you don't intend to do something, or yes when you will do it.
You will be building your approval of yourself by developing your integrity.
6. They schedule time together, even when it cuts into solo fun
Everyone is busy, especially if you are balancing work and family. But couples who do not make time for one another tend to be more insecure.
To build security into your relationship, make time to touch base with each other daily and go out on dates regularly.
Another example is texting each other throughout the workday to keep in touch. Ask your partner how they like to connect and what works best for your relationship.
Teresa Maples-Zuvela, CMAT, CSAT, LMHC, MS, is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in working with women who have experienced betrayal in intimate relationships.
