3 Sweet Behaviors That Instantly Create A Bond With Someone, According To Psychology
Simple gestures to spark instant closeness with another person.
Dean Drobots | Canva Feeling insecure is the worst. However, the fact that we struggle with insecurity, especially in relationships, doesn't make our insecurities any less significant. In romantic relationships, insecurities can hurt a bond with someone you love. Especially when they fester and burrow, these fears change us and not in a good way. The American Psychological Association (APA) showed how "self-disclosure helps reduce uncertainty and allows rapport and trust to develop."
One of the best ways to overcome your insecurities and create a bond with someone is to accept that, yes, those threats do exist — but love can co-exist, and a truly loving partner will love you because of your insecurities, not despite them.
Here are three sweet behaviors that instantly create a bond with someone, according to psychology:
1. Choose to be vulnerable
Learning how to overcome insecurity means identifying what you fear most. You may have trust issues and worry that your partner will up and leave you one day for someone thinner, cuter, and/or younger. Or, maybe you worry they’ll leave you for someone who makes more money, has stronger muscles, and whose work is perceived by society as being a more important job.
One thing that makes us feel insecure is our tendency to compare ourselves to others, whether that's comparing our waistline to our co-worker's or our old station wagon to our neighbor's new BMW. Doing this almost always leaves us feeling disappointed and inferior, and this is particularly true when comparing ourselves to our partner.
Your partner possesses strengths that you don’t, just as you have strengths they don’t. Your differences can help create a potent polarity between the two of you, which lends itself to incredible passion. Learning to dance with this polarity gives your partner a powerful way to more deeply connect with their inner nature.
Being able to soften and nurture your partner when they're overly serious and self-critical is a must. Likewise, providing direction and encouraging action can be just the medicine your partner needs when they feel stuck in indecisiveness. Both are examples of how you can stop being insecure and instead use polarities to establish a friendship first.
Studies in Social Psychological and Personality Science affirmed that "friends-first initiation is a prevalent and preferred method of romantic relationship initiation that has been overlooked by relationship science."
2. Recognize what you bring to the table
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In your partner's eyes (and heart), you are special. After all, they chose you for a reason. You have a sacred place with your lover, and when you connect to that reality, you'll realize it's a space only you can occupy.
In that space, you're able to give something truly unique to your partner: an emotional, psychological, and physical connection that only you provide. You complement your partner. Accept your importance in their life and recognize that by virtue of occupying this sacred relational space, you are close enough to see them and give them what they need.
The Journal of Personality published research that indicated "more anxiously and avoidantly attached individuals experience heightened psychological (e.g., distress) and physiological (e.g., HPA axis activation) responses to stressful situations, as well as have poorer mental (e.g., depression) and physical (e.g., immune system functioning) health."
Once you recognize the power you have in this closeness and role you've been granted, your insecurities will quiet down as you see your true value in your life.
3. Remember: the only thing you can control is yourself
Perhaps the most powerful way to stop being insecure is to remember that the only thing you can control is yourself. We are all works in progress, no matter how perfect we seem.
Most insecurities arise when people become stagnant. When people grow complacent, they get lazy. They exist but don't evolve. A 2011 study showed the interdependence between growth and supporting each other's goals in satisfying couple relationships.
Their lack of growth becomes a weight that pulls down the other person in their relationship. They no longer have the vibrant energy to give to their union, so as they become more stuck, their relationship becomes stagnant, too.
Commit to never stop learning, never stop growing, and never stop giving — all while recognizing the process is continuous and none of us will ever be perfect. This is the best way to stop being insecure and become the ideal you instead.
When you feel like you're learning, growing, and finding new ways to love and appreciate life, you provide a model for your partner to do the same. And you'll both enjoy the relationship more.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics.
