4 Phrases Deeply Resentful People Use On A Regular Basis
The slow death of any relationship starts with resentment.
Mr Arif | Canva Unless you have been living in some fairy tale, you know that resentment is a destructive factor in marriages and other kinds of romantic relationships. When you first fall in love, it’s fireworks, roses, and warm fuzzies.
You believe you have found the love of your life, and the two of you will live happily ever after. And while I'm not saying you can’t or won't live happily ever after, I am saying that doing so is difficult for those couples in even the happiest, healthiest relationships at times.
One of the common reasons relationships fall apart is the creeping normality of resentment. In a study titled "Anger and Its Cousins," published in the journal Emotion Review, the researchers define resentment as "a hostile emotion qualified by the perception of having suffered a wrong."
They go on to write, "Resentment can be said to be a moral emotion in that it invokes a moral concept such as an acknowledged right or wrong."
And in her PsychCentral article, Kimberly Drake describes resentment as follows: "Resentment is the result of a perception that someone has treated you unfairly. Although the person you resent may not have intentionally meant to harm you, their actions or words may cause you to feel intense disappointment."
Metaphorically speaking, perhaps the best way to illustrate resentment is the trope of a death by a thousand cuts — those everyday instances that inflict pain on the other person slowly, brutally waning what once was and reducing the fireworks between the two of you to all but an ember or two.
Here are four phrases deeply resentful people use on a regular basis:
1. Nothing (using the silent treatment)
Passive aggression can be expressed in various ways. For example, your partner may be angry at you for something you may have done (sometimes, it may be perfectly insignificant acts you might not remember) that they've bottled up for a week.
They haven't even spoken to you, also known as giving you the "silent treatment." Finally, when your partner comes home from work one day, you ask how they're doing. They tersely say, "Fine" and leave the room.
(Things are not fine. You can usually pick up on this if it's been a week and they still refuse to interact with you.)
They would rather be avoidant and self-isolate than confront the issue head-on with you, so the two of you could have a healthy discussion to work things out.
2. 'Never' or 'always'
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Let's say that the argument finally happens. When they do open up — or explode from pent-up agitation — leaping to try to discuss (or bicker) with the volume up to 11, your partner repeatedly says things like, "You never do nice things for me anymore!" or, "You're always late to everything!" (though constantly being late can be a sign of resentment in and of itself).
Saying these kinds of statements isn't productive; they hurt one's partner and often aggravate the situation, and they usually aren't true. Whatever the case, these are dangerous words that only increase the negativity and distance between you and your partner. Perhaps you can try to discourage your partner from using them.
"Always" and "never" reflect all-or-nothing thinking, which typically involves interpreting situations in overly extreme terms, leaving no room for nuance or acknowledging that things can fall somewhere in the middle. Research has found that using such extremes can minimize or ignore the effort and contributions your partner may be making.
3. 'Why can't you be more like...'
Instead of focusing on their relationship and building and improving upon it, including putting in the work toward self-improvement, your partner constantly compares your relationship to others.
They may think about it constantly, or even talk about it to friends and family. If so, this is taking things another step toward resentment — and Splitsville.
Talking negatively or constantly complaining about one's partner to the people they're close to is yet another sign of resentment, especially if they're complaining about the similarities and differences between your relationship and theirs.
4. 'Why aren't you listening to me?'
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You may be developing some anxiety and feelings of loneliness because your partner isn't paying as much attention to you, in the bedroom, in conversation, and in general.
You may even be feeling like they're cutting you out of the relationship, or you don't feel like your voice is being heard in the recent uptick of arguments that's developed. (Also a sign of resentment!)
Maybe they're ignoring your input, feelings, or opinions on whatever item at hand up for discussion. Either way, pay attention to your feelings and what your instincts tell you.
A 2023 study concluded that these feelings can be triggered by poor communication, changes in the relationship, or even underlying issues like depression or insecurity. As relationships evolve, partners may develop different interests or priorities, leading to a perception that their partner is no longer interested in their life.
It's not always easy to spot the signs of resentment, but if things feel cold and distant between you and your partner, you should check with your partner to intervene — if what you want is to work things out, in what could be loads of resentment piling up that are creating baggage. And all that baggage can get so heavy that it could wreck your relationship for good.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. She works exclusively with women to help them be all that they want to be.
