Men Who No Longer Desire Their Wives Often Say These 11 Things In Private
The things men who no longer desire their wives say in private offer subtle glimpses into how they are really feeling.
Comeback Images / Shutterstock While physical attractiveness on its own may not be especially important for women in long-term relationships, especially if emotional closeness, trust, and commitment are present, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology argues that it does play an important role in shaping relationship satisfaction over time for men. Not only does a growing lack of attraction tend to push men away from their partners physically, but it can also discourage them from putting effort into emotional intimacy, communication, and connection.
It can be difficult for many women to recognize when their husband has lost that spark or attraction, but men who no longer desire their wives often say things in private that make it clear if they are paying attention. Given how important the issue seems to be for men, you'd be wise to open your ears to listen for these phrases.
Men who no longer desire their wives often say these 11 things in private
1. ‘I don’t care anymore’
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
According to experts from the Gottman Institute, one of the simplest ways for partners to express love and feel connected is to be engaged, wanting to connect, checking in, expressing needs, and simply paying attention. So, it’s not entirely surprising that men who no longer desire their wives or care to promote closeness say things like “I don’t care anymore” in private.
They may be more passive and vague in public, avoiding physical touch and closeness. Still, behind closed doors, they’re not making any kind of effort to rebuild intimacy or spark romantic affection.
2. ‘I need to focus on myself’
Nenad Cavoski | Shutterstock.com
There’s no denying that prioritizing personal growth and putting intentional work into personal endeavors plays a strong role in shaping relationships, as psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen explains, oftentimes for the better. However, when phrases like “I just need to focus on myself” are used as avoidant tactics by men who no longer desire their wives or are unwilling to put effort into growing together, it becomes much less helpful and healthy.
It’s important to find alone time when you’re living together and to invest time into individuality, even in a shared relationship. But when it starts to compromise quality time and connection, it can further divide couples who are already experiencing a loss of physical touch or intimacy.
3. ‘I need more space’
Monkey Business Images | Shutterstock.com
Whether a husband is literally saying this, lying in bed and cuddling together, or in a more metaphorical sense, needing space and wanting to avoid quality time is one indicator of a partner who’s lost romantic love and attraction toward their spouse.
Considering men’s level of attractiveness and self-esteem are generally linked to that of their partners in a marriage, according to a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, a partner’s need for space and disconnection from a partner based on their appearance may also be a reflection of their own insecurities.
Men who no longer desire their wives often say things like “I need more space,” not always because there has been a shift or change in their partner, but because they are dealing with insecurity and internal turmoil within the relationship themselves.
4. ‘You wouldn’t understand’
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock.com
Men who no longer desire their wives often say things like “you wouldn’t understand” or “you’re not hearing me” in private. According to a study published in the Current Opinion in Psychology journal, feeling understood by a partner protects the health of a relationship, even in the face of declining intimacy or communication. However, when a partner doesn’t feel understood, it only amplifies the negativity of those dwindling necessities.
Of course, this kind of separation and disconnection can be subtle in phrases and behaviors, but for their wives, it’s easy to pick up on it by assessing how they feel. According to mental health expert Paul Hokemeyer, women in these relationships tend to feel unhappier, dealing with “marital burnout”, trying to compensate for resentment, disconnection, and emotional exhaustion.
So, even if it’s their husband who’s communicating a sense of disconnection and feeling unheard, their wives are equally affected by the wounds of their marriage.
5. ‘I’m too busy’
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock.com
Phrases like “not right now” or “I’m too busy” to avoid closeness and affection, especially after a conflict or argument, can be examples of a partner’s avoidance. As a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family suggests, this “demand-withdraw’ communication behavior, where one partner pressures and the other withdraws, negatively impacts relationship health and happiness.
However, avoidance patterns also tend to persist with age, influencing the way couples handle conflict and communicate later in life. That’s why men who no longer desire their wives and are dealing with pressure from them to show up and be present can urge them into avoidant behaviors, even if it’s just a phrase like “I’m too busy."
6. ‘We’re just going in circles’
Geber86 | Shutterstock.com
When partners continue to feed into unhealthy communication patterns and unsupportive habits, it’s their marital health, satisfaction, and general well-being that are at risk. While it can be difficult to recognize when a toxic behavior or phrase has become a pattern, a phrase like “we’re just going in circles” can spark reflection.
Of course, men who no longer desire their wives often say these things because of a loss of other feelings, from emotional connection to physical closeness, and simply feeling understood. So, if they can’t find closure in arguments or resolutions to uncomfortable conversations, of course they’re going to feel like they’re going into circles trying to rebuild intimacy.
7. ‘You deserve someone better’
Alex_Maryna | Shutterstock.com
Sometimes, especially for men struggling with emotional turmoil or insecurity, saying something like “you deserve someone better” is easier than actually expressing their loss of love and desire. Rather than having an honest and open conversation about their needs and concerns, they start petty arguments and say phrases like this to make their wives believe it’s actually their idea to grow apart.
While this insecure kind of attachment doesn’t always lead to better communication, it does sabotage trust and connection, as a study from the BMC Psychology journal argues, leaving everyone feeling more alone, despite being physically present with their partner.
8. ‘I’m too tired’
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
Men who no longer desire their wives often say things like “I’m too tired’ in private to avoid vulnerable conversations, intimate moments, and physical touch. Even though this phrase could truly be rooted in the emotional exhaustion couples face trying to navigate tough times without marital support, it’s also often an excuse for avoidance and disengagement.
Especially if their daily lives and communication patterns are riddled with negativity and resentment, it’s not surprising that these men are more likely to avoid physical affection and intimacy in private, even if it’s something they tend to prioritize compared to women in their relationships.
9. ‘You’re overreacting’
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
Healthy and connected couples communicate and support each other even when they disagree. When they’re arguing, it’s with the context of mutual respect, empathy, and trust, and when they’re expressing concerns, it’s from a place of love. That’s why conflicts and arguments aren’t always harmful, but spaces for partners to connect and grow together.
However, when partners start to dismiss respect and trust for personal comfort or self-preservation, that’s when manipulative behaviors like gaslighting come into play. Men who no longer desire their wives may say things like “you’re overreacting” or “you sound crazy” in private, because they’re no longer motivated to show up and support them no matter what.
10. ‘You never listen’
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock.com
Men who don’t feel valued or appreciated, but instead evaluated and criticized, may lose desire for their wives in many emotional and physical ways. The power of feeling understood is more profound than people realize. When a spouse, who’s supposed to be there to support you always, stops putting effort into crafting those feelings, it can diminish happiness and satisfaction.
That’s why phrases like “you never listen” are often common for these men who’ve experienced a loss of intimacy, desire, and romantic love. They don’t feel supported, heard, or loved, so they’re less motivated to invest their own energy and time into building within their marriages.
11. ‘We don’t have to talk about everything’
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock.com
While the healthiest couples tend to balance communication, personal pursuits, and individuality uniquely in their own relationships, many couples battling resentment or disconnection struggle to find a happy medium. They feel alone in their marriage, so they’re compensating by leveraging avoidance techniques, excuses, and sometimes even manipulation to cope.
“We don’t have to talk about everything” is a subtle example of a phrase a man who’s no longer attracted to his wife might say in private. They’re trying to create space and gaslight their partner into growing doubtful of their own needs to protect themselves from being emotionally harmed or irritable.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
