Men Who Are Afraid Of Falling In Love Often Do These 11 Self-Sabotaging Things
They actively avoid situations where they might end up falling for someone.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock As amazing as falling in love can be, for some men it can feel more like a trap. It takes a lot of vulnerability and willingness to give yourself to someone. That fear can be quite crippling for men who aren't willing to take that leap, and so, they'll end up ruining their connection with someone in an effort to save themselves the potential hurt. But getting hurt is all apart of romance and dating. Men who are essentially afraid of falling in love struggle with both craving that companionship and battling with the fear of not being in control of the outcome.
Whether it's pulling away when things start getting serious or doing a good job of hiding their feelings, men who are afraid of falling in love often do these self-sabotaging things. They don't want to get too invested, but for people dating them it can be quite frustrating to know they're holding themselves back. These men end up getting in their own way and ruining a chance to actually experience genuine happiness, all because they're overthinking and holding on to this fear of intimacy.
Men who are afraid of falling in love often do these 11 self-sabotaging things
1. They pull away when things start to get real
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For some men, the moment that things might start to feel as if they're getting serious when they're dating someone, that's when the fear and terror starts to set in. Suddenly everything feels heavier and all of the things they've been avoiding start coming to the surface. Pulling away just becomes the way that they try to protect themselves from getting hurt or even experiencing a future that they may feel unprepared for.
"If we want to give ourselves the best chance of finding and maintaining a rich and rewarding relationship, we have to look inside ourselves. There, we are likely to find glass walls we never knew we'd built and steep ledges we never knew we feared. The dating world may be full of obstacles, but our worst enemy is usually in our own heads," explained clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone.
It's not that they don't care about the person they're with, but that caring deeply about someone comes with the risk. And for someone who's scared to fall in love, that risk can feel like a big, fat red flag.
So that means they start distancing themselves. Maybe they're no longer responding to texts in a timely fashion, or they're not planning dates anymore. Either way, it's a defense mechanism to hopefully keep their heart from getting hurt.
2. They avoid discussing long-term commitments
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If you find yourself having to pull teeth just to get conversations out of a man regarding the future of your relationship with him, it's most likely that he's letting the fear of falling in love take over. You might notice that he's never talking about potentially moving in together, marriage, or even having children because talking about long-term plans can feel as if things are starting to get a bit real for him.
So, he'll avoid those topics altogether. Because men who are afraid of falling in love often do these self-sabotaging things. And once he actually starts to admit that he wants the same future as his partner, his heart may as well be exposed and on the line. That level of vulnerability is just terrifying for someone who has these deep fears of getting hurt.
3. They joke about serious feelings rather than expressing them
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Some men truly have a hard time saying exactly how they feel. It could be for a plethora of reasons, from the household they grew up in to the expectations that were placed on them just because they were boys. So when it comes to love, being vulnerable can feel quite scary for them. To combat that, they might turn to joking about their serious feelings as a way to talk without actually having to talk.
"Much of the work in improving relationships means we have to overcome the fears we hold about sharing and being open, both of which are examples of being emotionally vulnerable," licensed clinical psychologist Yesel Yoon insisted.
For the most part, these men are usually quite invested in the person they're seeing, but admitting that they feel that way can feel as if they're just opening themselves up and laying all of their feelings on the table. Being that bare can be quite scary. Humor allows them to have a bit of control over their emotions, even if the other person is trying their hardest to get them to be serious and open up.
4. They chase unavailable people
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Usually, men who are scared to fall in love will chase people who aren't fully emotionally available. It feels safer to them to go after someone who can't fully commit themselves. When the relationship feels impossible or out of reach, they're able to safely distance themselves emotionally rather than throw themselves into nurturing the connection. They get to enjoy the excitement of attraction without risking the real closeness because the other person's unavailability is the barrier for the both of them.
"If we constantly find ourselves in connections where we feel unseen, unchosen or emotionally neglected, over time we may begin to internalize that experience. Not consciously, but in the subtle ways we start to believe we have to earn closeness or prove we're worthy of care," psychologist Mark Travers pointed out.
The problem with this is that they're getting in their own way of being able to experience love. They might have been hurt in the past, and so to avoid that hurt again, they think going after someone who clearly doesn't want a relationship will protect them. But nine times out of ten, they end up getting hurt worse by these distant people than if they were to just date someone who was open to love.
5. They constantly talk about their independence
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Men who are scared of falling in love will do the most to emphasize how much they value and love their independence. They'll casually mention how they don't need anyone, how much they value their alone time, and that they don't feel that it's important to even be in a relationship.
They use their independence as some sort of shield, and it becomes less about bragging about how much they can handle on their own and more about just protecting themselves. They feel that leaning on someone emotionally can just be incredibly risky for their heart.
Without even knowing it, they're self-sabotaging and getting in the way of actually being able to experience a love that changes their mind about the value of emotional intimacy.
6. They downplay how much they care
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Men who are afraid of falling in love often self-sabotage by falling into the trap of pretending they don't care about the person they're with, even if, in reality, they're totally invested. To them, showing just how much they care can feel risky and they may have this fear of the other person using it against them.
So, they choose not to reveal their true feelings. It manifests in them making these "jokes" about the person they're with being "too clingy," or just acting nonchalant.
"It's time to put away your poker face and lay your cards on the table as far as your relationship goes. If you feel uncomfortable expressing emotions, try to gain insight into the reason for this, perhaps with the help of a counselor," encouraged psychology professor David Ludden.
Deep down, though, they genuinely want to care, but they don't want things to hurt if it all goes wrong. This pattern only ends up confusing their partner to no end. They can feel as if they're getting mixed signals and, in turn, they might start to pull away and the relationship will just become completely sabotaged.
7. They bring up their ex constantly
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Even if he doesn't miss his ex or have feelings for them anymore, constantly bringing them up is his way of comparing and even undermining his current partner. He's simply trying to create distance and bringing up the past is his way of doing that. For men afraid of falling in love, mentioning an ex can be a way to relive a relationship that's already ended as well, and it feels safer than having to open up to someone new.
"If you think about it, daydreaming about an ex may kick off a vicious cycle in which preoccupation with that individual harms an existing relationship — who wants a partner who's obsessing about someone else?" social psychologist Theresa DiDonato questioned.
It's not always with malicious intent, but their current partner will definitely find issue with it. Having to hear about someone's ex constantly can make them doubt the connection they have with him currently. They'll eventually start pulling away or even break up with that person altogether.
8. They act mysterious on purpose
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Usually, when these types of men are acting mysterious, it has nothing to do with trying to come across as charming. They will act nonchalant as a way to keep people interested while also keeping their own emotions guarded. By revealing just enough, they're able to maintain this sense of intrigue, but the deeper parts of themselves are still under heavy lock and key.
They'll give these vague answers about their childhood and refuse to talk about their fears or insecurities. In their mind, if they keep people at a distance, falling in love will never happen and they'll continue to be safe. But that only means they'll feel more lonely because no one around them knows anything about them at all.
9. They avoid PDA altogether
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While some men are just uncomfortable with PDA, there are other men who hate it because it means they're opening themselves up to love. Whether it's avoiding small gestures like holding hands, sharing a hug in public, or even just putting their arm around their partner, men who are afraid of falling in love often do these self-sabotaging things.
It can feel as if they're exposing themselves emotionally. Avoiding PDA is their way of keeping things private because that just feels a lot safer for them. They also don't want to have to worry about what others think and they just might not be "ready" to be so public and visible.
For the people they're with, seeing them hesitate to show affection can feel as if they're not really that invested in the relationship. But, more often than not, it's just their anxiety taking hold and standing in the way of being able to really lean into their connection.
10. They keep conversations surface-level
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Deep and meaningful conversations are not something that men want to engage in when they're scared of falling in love. They'll keep things pretty light because even the thought of getting real about their emotions puts them on edge. By keeping things shallow instead, they can maintain a small sense of closeness without actually opening themselves up to love.
But by avoiding emotional topics altogether, they're not really forming connections that matter. People aren't learning anything about them because they're talking about the most trivial of things rather than opening up and being honest about who they are.
11. They leave before they can get left
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When men are scared of falling in love, they tend to have a habit of leaving relationships before things get too serious. They're notorious for being incredibly noncommittal. By being the first person to walk away, they think they'll be able to avoid the inevitable heartbreak that lays heavy on their minds. It just feels a lot safer to these men than facing the possibility of having their feelings stomped on.
"If an individual does truly value relationships, and wants to be in one, but is overridden with fears, then, yes, given the proper motivation, this phobia can be overcome. As with all phobias, the desire to overcome the fear must be strong; a sense of urgency is necessary to overcome any fear," explained psychologist Ilisa Kaufman.
The issue with this is that it usually ends up hurting both parties involved. By leaving first, they often end up losing out of the connection that they actually secretly wanted, and the other person just ends up feeling casted aside as well. The only way to fix this issue is by facing vulnerability head on without running away and being able to create a space where they're no longer afraid of giving their heart to someone else.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
