If You Notice These 11 Behaviors, You're Dealing With A Fragile Man
Fragile men do everything they can to run away from their feelings.
FabrikaSimf / Shutterstock Being a fragile man might sound like a bad thing, especially in a world that is increasingly fed up with toxic masculinity. But, really, it’s not. Some people are just a little bit more closed off and emotionally unavailable. As therapist Bob Taibbi, LCSW, pointed out, this can often be a result of something that happened in childhood that they had no control over. Being hurt as a child is hard, and growing up and dealing with it on your own is a lot to handle.
A fragile man may sound like someone who doesn’t hold up to the standards of toxic masculinity, but the opposite is actually true. Just like fragile glass crumbles when it breaks, a fragile man crumbles when faced with the thing he is most afraid of — emotions, whether they’re his own or others’. So, he does everything he can to avoid talking about or processing emotions in any way. This leads to some behaviors that are easy to notice.
If you notice these 11 behaviors, you’re dealing with a fragile man
1. Acting confident when he’s not
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One behavior that fragile men often possess is a sense of bravado. This means he will act confident even if he’s really not feeling it. This will be especially true in public settings where he feels like showing a lack of confidence would give him a bad reputation, but it can also be true in private when he just doesn’t want to open up and show how he’s really feeling.
Clinical psychologist Sopagna Eap-Braje, PhD, noted that feeling confident isn’t necessary to being perceived as such, so men who don’t actually feel confident can try acting that way to try to get away with it. She said that being seen as confident by others can lead to “greater credibility and higher social standing,” so it has its advantages.
There’s little wonder why a fragile man who struggles with emotions would want to project an aura of confidence. As he’s feeling those emotions he’s so uncomfortable with, he wouldn’t want to appear like he was dwelling on his feelings or the feelings of others. One of the best ways to do that is to act confident and make sure people see you that way.
2. Not taking responsibility for his actions
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A fragile man isn’t good at taking responsibility for his actions, but not because he’s a bad person. Instead, he really doesn’t understand how to, while keeping his facade up. Admitting he made a mistake and sincerely apologizing would mean taking the moral high ground, which is not the way to maintain control. Rather, it gives up some control to the other person, which he would never want to do.
Author Leon F. Seltzer, PhD, said that confronting someone who doesn’t want to take responsibility for their actions and trying to force them to do so won’t be very effective. “Consider that anyone who’s particularly insecure and therefore possesses an extremely fragile ego, will — to safeguard their vulnerability — react to a perceived attack defensively,” he stated. “From deep within, they’ll feel compelled to deflect all criticism.”
If you’re dealing with a man who won’t take any responsibility, there’s a good chance he’s fragile. He fears the vulnerability that admitting wrongdoing and apologizing would dredge up. The thing he’s best at is avoiding feelings at all costs, so he doesn’t want to give them the chance even slightly to creep in. This, of course, can cause some problems in relationships, which are difficult for fragile men to begin with.
3. Making jokes to avoid serious subjects
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A fragile man will want to avoid talking about serious things at all costs. After all, it’s the serious things that make him the most uncomfortable. One of the tactics he may use to avoid this is making jokes or being sarcastic. This quickly changes the vibe of a conversation and makes anything serious much less so.
Naturopathic doctor Jared C. Pistoia, ND, shared that humor can be used as a coping mechanism, and often is. “When a situation feels stressful enough to trigger coping behaviors, humor is used by some to dampen the negative effects of the stress,” he said. “Humor falls into the emotion-focused coping category, as it helps to relieve the burden of stressful emotions. Laughing feels good and can also help improve your health and well-being in different ways.”
Of course, there can be a dark side to using humor as a coping mechanism. No one should really avoid serious topics altogether, even if they do cause some discomfort. And, when someone is trying to have a serious conversation, if the person they’re talking to responds with humor, it can make them feel very uncomfortable. It may seem like everyone likes humor, but it can be inappropriate at times. Still, fragile men will use it to avoid serious subjects.
4. Not taking criticism well
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Fragile men typically don’t take criticism very well. Instead of seeing feedback as constructive and a chance to grow, they’ll think that they’re being targeted by the person who’s just trying to help them out and give them some pointers. It will mess with their self-image and make them feel like they’re worthless when it was just a simple critique.
In a separate article, Seltzer also noted that we’re all guilty of struggling with criticism. “We all need to feel good about ourselves, so the moment someone judges us negatively, any doubts we may yet have about ourselves can immediately catapult to the surface,” he said. “And, to be ruthlessly honest, which one of us doesn’t harbor certain deep-seated doubts about our worth, goodness, competence or attractiveness?”
At the same time, most people are able to let criticism go and not ruminate on it like it’s all that matters. The same can’t be said for fragile men. They take criticism a little too personally and let it affect their already low self-esteem. This can have a major impact on their interactions with other people, especially those who don’t know them very well.
5. Being afraid of vulnerable
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Vulnerability frightens fragile men because it means they have to open up and share how they’re really feeling. They have to be honest with themselves, and likely with someone else. This is the worst-case scenario for them. They hate sharing their true selves and will avoid doing so at all costs. One way to do this is never to be vulnerable, which can seriously affect one's relationships.
Psychiatrist Dr. Daniel B. Block, MD, explained why avoiding vulnerability can be damaging. “Inability or unwillingness to be vulnerable in important relationships creates a limit on how much those relationships can evolve and deepen,” he said. “Vulnerability requires a sense of emotional safety and trust in the other person; not being vulnerable hampers the development of intimacy in relationships.”
If you’re not willing to be vulnerable with someone you’re not very close with, that’s one thing, but holding back from being vulnerable when you’re with your romantic partner or close friends can seriously affect those relationships and stunt their growth. Fragile men are willing to take this chance because they’re so afraid of vulnerability. This doesn’t help them grow at all.
6. Following patterns of traditional masculinity
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Fragile men are known for subscribing to more traditional ideas of masculinity. For example, we all know that for years and years, men weren’t supposed to show any emotion because it supposedly made them appear weak. While these concepts are being challenged in society today, fragile men still hold fast to them. Things like a female breadwinner or dividing up household responsibilities would make them scoff.
In 2019, the American Psychological Association (APA) released its first set of guidelines for treating men, “Guidelines for Psychological Practice with Boys and Men.” Writing about the new resource, the APA’s Stephanie Pappas said, “The main thrust of the subsequent research is that traditional masculinity — marked by stoicism, competitiveness, dominance and aggression — is, on the whole, harmful. Men socialized in this way are less likely to engage in healthy behaviors.”
Clearly, traditional masculinity is not doing anything to help men. This pattern men have followed for eons is actually working against them and making things harder for them. Fragile men would never admit that, though. They cling to traditional masculinity and believe it’s the right way for them to act, and they may even look down on men who reject it. It’s just the way they’ve been conditioned to act by society.
7. Craving validation
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We’ve already established that fragile men struggle with their confidence. Because of that, they need to get that boost and belief that they’re enough from somewhere else, so they look for it in external sources. This means they crave validation and reassurance. They’re hurting, and they’re not sure they’re good enough, so they want someone else whose opinion matters to them to tell them that they are.
Medical writer Shahida Arabi, MA, noted that everyone seeks external validation to some degree, and that’s perfectly normal. What’s not normal is letting it take over your life. “You might seek too much validation as an adult if you received too little or too much external validation in childhood,” Arabi said. “This may affect how you manage your emotions, personality and attachment style.”
It feels nice for someone to tell you that you did a good job, especially if it’s someone you respect. Wanting this kind of validation sometimes is fine. Fragile men take it a step further, though, and need constant reassurance that what they’re doing is right, or good, or whatever adjective they’re looking for. This can be annoying for those around them, but those who truly care will offer them patience and support.
8. Being jealous of the accomplishments of others
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In case you haven’t noticed, some men treat life like it is one big competition. They are always trying to one-up each other and be the best. On the other hand, a fragile man might also struggle with his partner's success because it puts the spotlight on them instead and makes him feel insecure. Jealousy is a significant issue for fragile men, who struggle to see others succeed in life.
The thing about jealousy is that a certain level is completely normal. As clinical psychology professor Robert L. Leahy, PhD, said, “So now you think: ‘What kind of person am I that I don’t want someone else to succeed?’ You are a normal person, because envy is everywhere.”
Everyone feels envious from time to time, even when watching the people they love succeed. But for fragile men, it causes a real issue. Anyone getting ahead of them is seen as a serious threat. They just aren’t equipped to handle it. They view others as competition and can’t bear to fall behind. This even extends to their partner, the person they love the most. Anyone besting them is too much.
9. Being different in public than in private
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Because fragile men believe in traditional masculinity, they have an image to uphold. They have to be seen as strong and tough, both outside and inside. They maintain this solid facade in public because they can’t let anyone, except those closest to them, see them struggle. Meanwhile, in private, they may be deeply insecure and deal with serious self-doubt.
Psychotherapist Amy Morin, LCSW, explained that we’ve all acted this way at some point, and it’s likely because of the way it makes people perceive us. “Sometimes, the desire to act tough stems from a belief that showing vulnerability is a form of weakness,” she said. “So people act as though they don’t care or that they aren’t bothered by anything. People are often applauded for acting tough too.”
So, acting tough in public goes back to fragile men’s fear of vulnerability. They can’t stand to be seen that way, especially in an environment they can’t control, so they don’t allow themselves to appear that way. And people think it’s a good thing and tell them what a good job they’re doing, while they’re falling apart in private. It’s a vicious cycle.
10. Being controlling and manipulative
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A fragile man needs to feel in control of every situation and variable. Not being in control can make him feel anxious and insecure. Because of this, he will not rule out manipulating the people around him. He will want everything to have a very specific, planned outcome that he can anticipate, so he will exercise as much control as he possibly can, even if it’s to the detriment of others.
Counselor Geralyn Dexter, PhD, LMHC, summarized it this way: “Manipulative behavior is when a person uses controlling and harmful behaviors to avoid responsibility, conceal their true intentions or cause doubt and confusion. These behaviors can be used in all types of relationships, from intimate partners to parents, friends and the workplace.”
Not every fragile man who tries to control or manipulate people or circumstances does so with bad intentions. Sometimes, there is simply so much fear built up that he feels he has no other choice. He’s not necessarily doing this to hurt those he cares about. Instead, he may feel backed into a corner and like it’s the only thing he can do.
11. Not being able to talk about his feelings
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Perhaps the hallmark of a fragile man is that he can’t stand to talk about his feelings. Doing so requires vulnerability and goes against everything he knows as a traditionally masculine man. He views feelings as negative and something he shouldn’t experience. Instead, he should just be tough and unflappable. But that’s not always possible.
Medical writer Kasey Van Dyke said, “Whether you feel like you don’t want to burden the listener with those big emotions, or it’s just too much to feel those emotions, it can be more difficult to share your feelings and story as a result.” She also noted that “sharing your feelings is a skill,” so everyone can benefit from practice. That can be helpful for fragile men who are struggling with sharing their feelings.
Not being willing to share your feelings is really detrimental to relationships. How can you ever be close with someone if you’re not willing to tell them how you really feel? This makes forming and maintaining relationships difficult for fragile men, which is partially why they may turn to more controlling tactics. Or, they may simply go through life alone, unwilling to attach to anyone.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
