If Your Husband Uses These 11 Phrases, He’s Already Checked Out Of The Marriage
It can be easy to pick up on whether or not your husband has checked out by paying attention to his words.
dabyki.nadya / Shutterstock There are few things as heartbreaking as watching your marriage unravel right in front of your eyes. Unfortunately, that’s the reality some people face. One common scenario that leads to this is when one or both spouses check out of the marriage. Psychologist Mark Travers, PhD, explained that this happens when a spouse emotionally disengages from the marriage. Some signs of this include them no longer desiring closeness, not responding emotionally, and shutting down any vulnerability.
If you suspect your husband has checked out of your marriage, there are indicators and red flags you can look for to determine if your concerns are valid. One of these indicators comes in the form of phrases he uses. When someone isn’t emotionally invested in something as important as a marriage anymore, it will likely start to come through in what they’re saying, whether they mean for it to or not. If your husband is using phrases like these, the truth is he probably already has one foot out the door.
If your husband uses these 11 phrases, he’s already checked out of the marriage
1. ‘Whatever’
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One of the most classic signs someone has checked out of any situation is the use of the word “whatever.” This can mean a lot of different things depending on the circumstances and who’s saying it, but if your husband says it, he probably just doesn’t really care about the marriage anymore. It quite literally means “whatever” to him. He doesn’t want to engage, whether that means arguing or having a constructive conversation. He’s just moved past all of that.
Licensed social worker Signe Whitson, LSW, C-SSWS, described this as a passive-aggressive phrase. “Passive aggressive persons commonly sulk and withdraw from disagreements as their fundamental way of coping with rising anger,” she said. “Rather than put their angry feelings into words and express emotions honestly, they use phrases like 'Fine' and 'Whatever' to shut down direct communication.”
When your husband says “whatever,” he’s dismissing everything — the situation, your feelings, his feelings, even the importance of your relationship. He’s truly taking a step back and not focusing on what’s supposed to be important anymore. Hearing this can be especially hurtful because it shows just how much he simply doesn’t care now and how far he’s checked out.
2. ‘You deserve someone better’
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Another phrase that means your husband has checked out of the marriage is, “You deserve someone better.” No one ever wants to hear that, even if it might be true, given the fact that your husband has checked out. If he’s saying this, it means that he really doesn’t picture himself continuing in the relationship and is trying to let you down easily while also expressing his subconscious belief that he’s just not good enough anymore.
HuffPost contributor Jinna Yang argued that this is actually a chance to see your true worth and understand that what you’re hearing could actually be true. “People stay in unhappy situations because they’re comfortable and/or too scared of what’s on the other side,” she said. “You cannot be one of those people because you deserve better. And you’ll find someone who will love you through success and failure — so that you can discover how little life has to do with either.”
If your husband is telling you that you deserve better, he’s probably deeply insecure and struggling with his own self-worth. However, the fact that he’s having these issues doesn’t necessarily mean what he’s saying is untrue. If your husband has checked out and simply can’t commit any longer, then you really do deserve better, and they’ll be out there for you when you’re ready to find them.
3. ‘It doesn’t matter to me’
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Maybe you’re trying to make an important decision that affects both of you as a couple, or you’re just trying to choose a restaurant to order takeout from. However big or small the situation may seem, if your husband says that you should make the choice on your own because it doesn’t really matter to him, it’s a sign that he’s withdrawing from the marriage and checking out. He doesn’t care anymore, so he’s leaving all the pressure on you.
Couples therapist Dr. Margot Brown shared that when you're dealing with a husband who seems not to care anymore, “It feels like at every turn, your conversations with him just spiral into negativity,” she said. “As hard as you try, it seems like this cycle of marriage problems and conflicts never ends. You move from stuck to even more stuck.”
When you’re dealing with a husband who no longer cares, "stuck” is a great way to describe it. You can’t really move forward in your marriage (or in your life, for that matter) because he really just gave up. All the weight is on your shoulders, and you have to decide how to move forward, along with all those other decisions he no longer wants to be a part of. It’s a horrible feeling.
4. ‘Let’s not talk about this right now’
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If your husband is avoiding having the hard conversations — or, any conversations, really — it’s a sign that he’s checked out of the marriage. He may say, “Let’s not talk about this right now,” but the problem is that’s what he always says. So, naturally, you never actually talk about it. Whether you need to talk through something serious or just a minor matter, you should be able to count on your husband to be there for you.
Clinical psychologist Claire Marie Manly, PhD, stated, “If a once-communicative spouse is no longer interested in bonding discussions, fun interchanges, or daily banter, that partner’s level of loving affection may be decreasing.”
Some husbands don’t talk very much to begin with, but if you’ve noticed a marked decrease in conversations with your husband and he really is putting off talking about things until later, which is basically never, it’s a red flag. He’s checked out, and he doesn’t feel like putting any more effort into the relationship.
5. ‘I’m fine’
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“I’m fine” is one of the most often-used phrases when someone is, in fact, very much not fine. It means they don’t want to talk about and deal with their emotions, so they’re ignoring them and putting up a wall. If you find your husband is saying this frequently, it probably means that he’s just checked out of your marriage. Working through feelings doesn’t matter to him anymore, and he doesn’t care enough to share how he’s really feeling with you.
Harvard psychologist Dr. Cortney S. Warren, PhD, said that this phrase is actually commonly used among narcissists. “People with narcissistic tendencies are good at stonewalling — cutting off communication to show how upset they are,” she explained. “They will pretend to not be affected, while giving you the silent treatment.”
By choosing to insist he’s fine instead of actually acknowledging whatever is wrong, your husband is cutting you off emotionally. There could be multiple reasons for this. It’s possible that he doesn’t want to face those emotions himself, or perhaps he’s trying to send you the message that the way you acted was not okay in his eyes. It’s not hard to tell when someone’s not fine, so if they’re saying they are, they’ve checked out.
6. ‘Why does everything have to be a big deal?’
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Do you feel like you’re keeping a calm, even head, but your husband acts like you’re blowing everything out of proportion? That’s not alright, and it means he’s checked out of the marriage. If you just bring up a minor issue, thinking you can work through it together, but he accuses you of turning everything into a big deal, that shows that he isn’t locked in and ready to deal with problems equally. Instead, he just accuses you of making everything a big deal.
Danielle Hairston, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry and the psychiatry residency training director at Howard University, explained that comments like this are examples of gaslighting. “It’s a manipulation tactic,” she said. “It’s trying to distract you or deflect guilt or accountability and responsibility.”
If your husband says that you’re making a bigger deal out of things than what is really necessary, there’s a chance that he’s not only checked out of the marriage, but is actually trying to manipulate you. That may not be his intention, but on some level, his subconscious is pushing him to make you question your reality, which is never okay.
7. ‘I’m too busy’
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Maybe your husband has expressed that he’s too busy to deal with whatever it is that needs to be dealt with, or to even perform general relationship maintenance. This is an easy cop-out that lets him blame his lack of engagement on all those other things he has to do — work, taking care of the kids, family obligations, and more. But the truth behind these words is that he doesn’t want to put in the effort that's needed to make your marriage work.
Clinical psychologist Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, said this is an example of what’s known as “quiet quitting” in a relationship. “Quiet quitting feels like your partner has stopped investing their time, energy, money, emotions, and resources in the relationship,” she said. Health writer Sanjana Gupta added that this occurs when someone cuts off communication, doesn’t spend time with you, or stops putting in effort — all things that could be masked by “I’m too busy.”
Chances are, your husband isn’t really too busy. If he were, you’d probably be aware of it and have a better understanding of the situation. Plus, he wouldn’t use that as an excuse to shut down conversations completely. Instead, they’d just be postponed. If he claims he’s too busy when he’s really not, or he does so to avoid you altogether, he’s checked out.
8. ‘You’re overreacting’
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This phrase is probably one of the worst things a husband can say in any situation, but telling his wife she’s overreacting because he’s not willing to put any effort into the marriage is just rubbing salt in the wound. No one wants to be accused of overreacting when they feel like their feelings are completely valid, and to be told you’re overreacting because you’re concerned about your husband’s lack of involvement in the relationship is really unfair and manipulative.
Writing for Good Housekeeping, Erica Sweeney and Stephanie Dolgoff pointed out that this can be a form of gaslighting. “Accusing someone of overreacting trivializes a victim’s feelings and makes them feel like their judgment of the situation is skewed,” they said. If someone is told they’re overreacting, they’ll have to question their understanding of what is going on, and that’s never good.
If a husband has checked out of his marriage, he won’t want to deal with the very real problems that exist in his relationship. Instead, he’ll deflect blame and make it seem like it’s all your fault because of your perception. By saying you’re overreacting, he is absolving himself of any wrongdoing and putting it all back on you.
9. ‘I don’t have time for this’
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Similar to saying he’s too busy, your husband may say he doesn’t have time for a certain conversation or situation. Whatever you’re facing as a couple at the moment, he suddenly won’t have the time to fit it into his packed schedule. The only problem with this argument is that after saying, “I don’t have time for this,” chances are he’ll storm out of the room and head off to sit on the couch and do nothing. The truth is, he does have time. He doesn’t want to use it.
Health and wellness writer Hope Gillette noted, “The need to ‘check out’ when you’re being bombarded with negativity can be a natural reaction. You may be feeling frustrated yourself, or maybe you’re uncomfortable with the tension. Without an immediate solution in sight, it can feel easier to pretend your person is invisible. You may stop responding or making eye contact.”
The problem is that when a husband checks out of his marriage, there’s a good chance that he was the one bringing the negativity. Never think you did something wrong because your husband suddenly doesn’t have time to deal with whatever needs to be dealt with. That’s on him. Stepping away for a moment is okay, but completely removing himself from the situation shows that he doesn’t care anymore.
10. ‘Do whatever you want’
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If you’ve ever tried to discuss something serious with your husband, or maybe even something that’s not that big of a deal, and he responds by telling you to do whatever you want without providing any input himself, that can be really frustrating. You didn’t do anything wrong — you were just trying to have a discussion. He doesn’t feel like engaging, though, and he’s leaving it all up to you, which is a sign that he’s already checked out.
If this is the case, your husband would probably prefer to remain stagnant, both in life and in your relationship. But, due to the nature of change, that isn’t possible. Things are going to change whether he likes it or not, and trying to discuss those changes with him just makes sense. Unfortunately, he’s not receptive.
Carol Simmons, PhD, LCSW, a psychotherapist at Kaiser Permanente, advised, “During any discussion around change with your partner, it is important to discuss the positive aspects as well as the things that are not working well that have led to the discussion about change.” Discussing decisions that need to be made doesn’t have to be scary or upsetting, but it can seem that way when one spouse has completely shut down the conversation.
11. ‘I don’t see why we should try’
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If your husband has really checked out of the marriage, there’s a good chance that he doesn’t see any point in even putting any effort into the relationship anymore. He may say something like, “I don’t see why we should try,” implying that any attempts to fix things or work through problems aren’t even worth it. This is incredibly hard as it’s not what anyone wants to hear, but if your husband truly feels that way, it may be time to start considering an exit strategy.
Some changes in your relationship are normal over time, Alyssa Petersel, LCSW, founder and CEO of MyWellbeing, explained. “It’s completely normal to feel like your partner — or even you — have grown into different versions of yourself over time,” she said. “Relationships, like individuals, evolve.”
It’s possible that you and your husband have just changed a lot and need to get to know these new versions of each other better. However, it’s also possible that your husband is simply giving up. Whether he’s changed or not is irrelevant. He’s just not giving anything to your relationship anymore, and he probably wants out. That’s a problem.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
