People Who Feel Drained By Family Gatherings Usually Have These 11 Reasons
As much as we love our family, sometimes being around them can take it's toll.
Dodokat | Shutterstock Family gatherings are usually supposed to be about spending quality time with your loved ones. It's coming together after not having seen each other for who knows how long, and laughing, sharing funny stories, and reminiscing on old, nostalgic memories. For some people, that's exactly how family gatherings end up being, but for others, it often ends up being the exact opposite. Some individuals may love their families wholeheartedly, but family gatherings usually leave them feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, and mentally drained when it's all said and done.
There's just a certain type of labor that comes with gathering with family that you may have trouble coexisting with. Whether it's having to sit there and bite your tongue when your grandparents are talking about politics or having to be the mediator because your mom and aunt always fight when they're in the same room, family time can take a toll on a person if the dynamics and expectations get to be too much. Being able to recognize the reasons why these gatherings end up draining your energy isn't about trying to villainize your family, but about being able to have a bit of clarity. Once you're able to pinpoint the reasons, it'll be easier to set boundaries for future family gatherings and hopefully get just a smidge of peace while being around them.
People who feel drained by family gatherings usually have these 11 reasons:
1. They're the ones being emotionally dumped on
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Family gatherings can be exhausting and draining for the people who have to listen to their family members' emotional problems. Every single time they get together, these individuals have to be the designated outlet for everyone's stress and complaints. Maybe their extended family members vent about their marriages, or their cousins will just trauma dump without even asking how the other person is doing first.
"People on the receiving end [of trauma dumping] also suffer. They want to help, but can't because the purpose of trauma dumping is to discharge emotions and not to work through issues. Or they feel resentful and drained by the emotional 'bombing' and their inability to escape it," explained psychologist Nelisha Wickremasinghe.
It becomes less about having conversations and catching up, versus just being the emotional dumping ground for family members who can't seem to invest in a therapist. This kind of dynamic means a person is never excited about family time because they know that they have to sit there and absorb other people's emotional mess without even being offered room to unload their problems.
2. Someone always brings up politics
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Every family has that one person, or even multiple people, who can't help but bring up their political views and ideologies at every single gathering. Even when other people may be trying to keep the conversation light because they know the second someone makes a pointed remark about politics, it'll erupt into a full-blown brawl, they can't help but instantly shift the vibe in the room.
According to a survey published by the American Psychological Association, 1 in 5 Americans (21%) have become estranged from a family member, have blocked a family member on social media (22%), or have skipped a family event (19%) because of disagreements on controversial topics.
For people who are politically aware, it can just be so exhausting having to defend their values or forced to ignore one of their family members who makes an ignorant comment just because they want to avoid the conflict that will ensue. Usually, the conversation never even ends up being civilized anyway because they aren't even trying to listen to what's actually right.
3. No one respects their boundaries
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One of the most exhausting parts of having to be at family gatherings is the fact that people tend to end up treating the boundaries that you might've put in place as a suggestion rather than a serious thing. It can be a family member insisting on hugging you even though you've spent countless gatherings explaining that you aren't really a touchy person.
Or it's another relative insisting on asking you about why you're still single when you've expressed that you don't need to be in a relationship right now and would appreciate not being asked about that. Whatever the case may be, it's downright annoying when relatives insist on just walking all over the boundaries that you've set in place. It makes it hard for you to be around them when they wear you out.
Licensed psychotherapist Sharon Martin explained that, above all, it's best to be kind to yourself in moments where you're dealing with family members and the boundaries you've set. "Setting boundaries is challenging and setbacks are normal. Celebrate your successes, learn from your experiences, and give yourself compassion. Setting boundaries with family is an attempt to create a healthier dynamic where everyone can thrive."
4. They're constantly criticized
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At certain family gatherings, it can be tiring to constantly hear criticisms and judgments about the choices that you've made in life or comments about your appearance. It's even worse when relatives attempt to disguise these jabs as them being concerned. They'll talk about your weight, the fact that you haven't found a career, or even the outfit that you've worn as things that are just born from the fact that they care about you. However, their comments end up leaving you feeling rattled and undervalued.
"This tip is for a family member who’s just mean: He or she doesn’t particularly care about you, your future, or your feelings. This relative is just critical because putting others down makes them feel good. He or she is a bully, deeply insecure, or both. Such a person doesn’t deserve your attention just because they hold the title of 'family member.' Their criticism can and should be dismissed as nothing more than purposeless negativity," encouraged loneliness expert Kira Asatryan.
You're constantly having to decode these passive-aggressive comments and stay composed because you don't want to start a scene or create a conflict that'll be hard to walk away from. When you're in an environment where you feel like everything about you is being carefully nit-picked, there comes a point where it's just impossible to exist and relax at these gatherings.
5. They've done the inner work, but their family hasn't
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Being around family can feel draining because of all the emotional and mental work that you've done to unlearn some of those toxic patterns and behaviors that you were around as a child. You might've spent years in therapy, unpacking your childhood wounds, but the second you end up back around your family, you realize that a lot of them are still operating in the same way they've always been.
"Family members represent a group unlike any other because we are related to them. And that means it may be much harder to deal with them simply because we think we can’t get rid of them. It’s much more complicated when people are blood relations, and when, because you are family, you will probably need to be around them on many occasions," explained psychiatrist Abigail Brenner.
You've managed to do that inner work and heal while your family hasn't. It's also not like you were expecting your family to be perfect by any means, but it can be frustrating when you've managed to grow, and you're only met with resistance from your family to do the same. You end up leaving the family gathering feeling like all that progress you made just kind of vanished the moment you stepped through the door.
6. There's no quiet space to recharge
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Family gatherings can feel exhausting for those who struggle with having to be social for long periods of time, especially if their family might be more on the loud, rambunctious side. From the second you arrive, there's just this constant noise, multiple conversations happening at the same time, and there's rarely a moment where you can catch your breath.
"Feeling less stressed around family is all about learning to manage your own part in your relationships with others, instead of trying to manage everyone else’s feelings. It means being part of your family while being able to control your own functioning at the same time," pointed out psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen.
Every room is full, from the kitchen to the living room. What's even more draining is the fact that you may feel that you need permission to step away. It's as if you'll be accused of being rude or moody, so instead you bear it and stay, even though your social battery is in desperate need of a recharge.
7. They're expected to help more than they're allowed to rest
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It seems from the second you walk through the door of a family gathering, you're being designated a certain role that requires you to either help set the table, cook with other relatives in the kitchen, or set up games and other forms of entertainment for everyone else. There's not a single moment when you're able to relax and talk to your relatives.
So, anytime there's a new gathering, you already feel mentally drained before you even get there because you already know you're going to be asked to do a million different things. To top it all off, you probably feel even more frustrated that no one seems to acknowledge all of the work that you do. Instead, they just come to you with a more extensive list because they know that you'll immediately say "yes". After all, you don't want to ruffle any feathers.
8. They feel like an outsider in their own family
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It can feel lonely when you find yourself surrounded by family, but you don't relate to them. It might be because you just have different values than they do, or you've taken a certain path with your life that your family may not be able to understand or agree with, but these differences can make you feel like an outsider.
It's as if there's this invisible wall between you and the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally, and it can just feel mentally draining having to keep up appearances when you know that you may not necessarily fit. It's mostly just about a lack of connection. When you show up as your true self, you're usually met with dismissive comments and awkward moments. Eventually, that disconnect just starts to hurt.
9. They're pressured to laugh at things they don't find funny
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At family gatherings, it might just feel quite draining to have to entertain and laugh at "jokes" that you just don't find funny in the slightest. Whether it's jokes being made at your expense, teasing remarks about things you feel strongly about, or relatives trying to poke fun at your discomfort, it can all just become too much.
Being in that kind of dynamic means that you feel this pressure to keep a smile on your face and laugh appropriately, even when you actually just want to cringe and walk away. This expectation to play along means that you end up feeling even more disconnected from yourself.
10. They're always listening but rarely heard
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With your family, you often find yourself doing a lot of nodding along and listening to them speak, but no one is ever asking you anything. Because of that, conversations just feel more one-sided than anything else, which can be quite draining and annoying.
The second that you even try to speak, one of your other relatives will have no problem trying to dominate the conversation or just cut you off, meaning that you never want to try and speak up again. You end up feeling like a ghost amongst your own family, and it just adds to the disconnect that may be happening. You're just the designated listener, even when you don't want to be.
11. They're expected to pretend everything's fine
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No matter what you're going through, or even what your other family members are going through, you may feel like there's this need to pretend nothing is going on. At family gatherings, this can feel especially draining when you're forced not to talk about things that may be bothering you because you're not supposed to rock the boat.
Instead of being real and honest with your relatives, you're forced to smile even if you're feeling sad, or act interested in what people are saying when you actually feel quite disinterested, and just keep things light. You worry that by telling even a hint of the truth, you're feelings will be dismissed. So at the end of the day, you just keep to yourself until the gathering is done, and you can go back home.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
