11 Smart Habits Of Parents Who Raise The Most Resilient Kids
Parents have a duty to raise their kids to become well-rounded, strong people.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock From a developmental perspective, parents should expect resistance to be in full force from their kids, whether they're seven or 17. But a parent's job is to help their kids find their strength when they are resistant and ready to give up. It gives them practice for a set of skills that build resilience, and that is a valuable asset for any person — child or adult.
Kids will have different agendas from their parents, and this is to be expected. The more parents push, the more their kids resist. But what is important is implementing the smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids, and how they preserve their child's dignity as well as their own in the face of disagreement.
Here are 11 smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids
1. They listen intently
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Kids may not want to initially broach the real reason for their resistance, but parents can ask open questions and listen for the answers. Let them lead the conversation. Yes, parents may already know about their struggles, but if they sit, look them in the eye, and let them express their feelings and how challenges are affecting their lives, they will open the door to partnering for solutions.
As licensed marriage and family therapist David Schwartz explained, "Just listening to children talk may not seem like a big deal at first. However, the time you spend listening to them is time in which they feel valued. It's like planting seeds for their future that can blossom into an inner strength and self-confidence. It is this belief in themselves that can help them develop the courage to pursue their own dreams in the not-too-distant future."
2. They're empathetic
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When kids tell their parents they can't do something, it means they're opening up. Let them recognize that you can feel their pain by saying, "I know this is must be hard for you." Even if you think their perspective is incorrect, don't say, "You can do it!" It's one of the incredibly smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids.
If your child is opening up, let them know that you are listening and truly care about their feelings. Don't shut them down or ignore them. Instead, show empathy and let them know you have their back, no matter what.
3. They engage in a friendly way
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At a time when a child is receptive to instruction, convey what you would like them to address. This helps you lessen conflict and build on the relationship while helping both of you save face. Rather than responding rudely or in an aggravated tone, by remaining friendly, you're showing your child that they can trust you, and that, in turn, builds resilience.
Now, that doesn't mean you have to be your child's best friend; after all, parents shouldn't be their child's "friend," at least not until they're old enough. But there's nothing wrong with being kind.
4. They share others' struggles
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When you share that you struggle with time management or that Aunt Sue dislikes math too, you break the ice and allow the conversation to move forward. You also let your child know that you can relate to them, whether it's a toddler accidentally spilling their milk or a teenager making a mistake in school.
Parenting writer Shannon Brescher Shea explained that there incredible benefits to sharing your struggles with your kids, including modeling healthy emotions, showing them what empathy looks like, and not letting them feel lonely.
5. They use the word 'yet' in conversation
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This simple word can do wonders in allowing you to talk about future expectations. "You can't do this yet" implies that it can happen, but with hard work.
It also lets your kid know that it's okay to struggle sometimes, and it introduces the concept of a growth mindset — the belief that abilities can improve over time.
6. They're supportive
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While parents are supposed to provide emotional support for their kids, that's not always the case. But it's one of the smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids, as it shows that even though there are certain expectations, they'll never not be there for them.
Yes, expectations are important, but they should be backed up by support. For example, demonstrate how they can reach out to a teacher for extra help before a test. Show them how to break large projects into smaller, time sensitive chunks. It's small things like this that make a big difference.
7. They recognize strengths
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Many kids, especially those with learning differences, often focus on what they are doing wrong. They have likely had to work harder and longer than their peers, which can certainly become discouraging over time.
Help your child recognize the things they are good at, such as being kind or funny, helping friends, or running fast. Parents may impulsively want to jump in and urge them to work on what needs improving, but when your child is feeling particularly down, be gentle with them. Hold them tight and let them know they are valued, important and have a lot to offer.
8. They acknowledge resistance
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As a parent, you probably know the activities that will engender resistance. Simply acknowledge it and proceed forward. Acknowledge that no one likes to be bossed around and then reaffirm what needs to happen. For example, you could say, "I know you don't like me telling you it is time to start your homework, but it still needs to be done."
Ask your child what words work better for them when you are having this type of discussion. They may prefer words that connote less urgency or instruction.
9. They cultivate routine and structure
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According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, "Structure helps parents and their kids. Kids feel safe and secure because they know what to expect. Parents feel confident because they know how to respond, and they respond the same way each time. Routines and rules help structure the home and make life more predictable."
Setting up structure is one of the very important and smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids. Daily structure helps a child feel less coerced and controlled once they attach to the routine. Just as a preschool teacher can get a class to clean up their toys by singing simple songs, a routine can collect their attention and direct them accordingly.
10. They put their kids in charge
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By putting a child in charge of things that are developmentally appropriate, you work towards avoiding battles and help them build a resilient "can do" mindset. Let them choose between two acceptable choices, such as what to wear that day, what homework to attack first, or what to eat for snack.
You're not only helping them make independent choices, but instilling in them a sense of responsibility for their own actions.
11. They apologize
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One of the exceptionally smart habits of parents who raise the most resilient kids is apologizing when it's warranted. When parents apologize to their kids, it improves the relationship and fosters trust.
So, if things become heated, wait for tempers to cool. Then, offer an apology to help convey the relationship is important and intact, and that you will continue to care for them.
Caroline Maguire, ACCG, PCC, M.Ed. is a personal coach who works with families to develop critical social, emotional and behavioral skills.
