If Your Adult Son Uses These 11 Phrases, He's Likely Not A Very Good Person Anymore
fizkes | Shutterstock While many people overuse the word “toxic” to justify avoidance in their family relationships, sometimes the tension between parents and their adult children isn’t sustainable to tolerate or normalize. Whether it’s rooted in differences of values or built-up resentment from unmet childhood needs, nothing truly justifies continuing to cope with disconnect by actively harming one another, no matter who may be technically “in the wrong.”
So, even if you’re a parent who has made mistakes, you don’t deserve to be “punished” or “blackmailed” with it by your adult children forever. You’re now both adults, and while accountability can go a long way, making excuses for a toxic adult child’s behavior only harms both your well-being. For example, if your adult son uses these phrases, he’s likely not a very good person anymore, and it might be time to start setting boundaries and taking space.
If your adult son uses these 11 phrases, he’s likely not a very good person anymore
1. ‘You owe me’
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A study from Psychology and Aging found that a lot of adult children’s tension with their parents stems from childhood experiences and unresolved trauma. They feel like they were unsupported or unloved by their parents, so even if the relationship has grown stronger in adulthood, they still feel a sense of entitlement to hold their mistakes over their parents’ heads.
Especially for entitled adult kids, who use phrases like “you owe me” and “After everything you did to me?” to justify their own needs and toxic behaviors, blackmail is second nature. They believe they’re deserving of constant attention and sympathy for their unresolved trauma, even if true change and power come from healing and accountability.
2. ‘Why should I apologize?’
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Leading with an inflated sense of ego doesn’t just harm people’s decision-making skills and general well-being — it also sabotages relationships and encourages people to become the most entitled version of themselves, at least according to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson.
These people think that the natural struggles everyone deals with in their lives are personal attacks. They are defensive in the face of feedback, accountability, and criticism, because they think they’re more important and “better” than everyone.
So, even if this selfishness and entitlement were spawned by parental mistakes in childhood, that doesn’t mean the parents of these adult kids have to continue to tolerate and make excuses for their behavior. If your adult son uses phrases like “Why should I apologize?” he’s likely not a very good person anymore, and it’s time to create space.
3. ‘You deserved it’
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While we often talk about “guilt-tripping” in the frame of parents coping with disconnection from their adult kids, it’s just as common for entitled, selfish adult kids to use phrases like “you deserved it” to weaponize shame toward their parents. They cling to their victim mentality and unresolved trauma as a means of getting what they want, even if it means putting their family dynamic and parents’ well-being at risk.
If your adult son uses these phrases to manipulate you into dismissing your own hurt feelings or meeting their every need, they’re likely not a very good person anymore. Their comfort and victimhood are clearly more important than supporting and appreciating you.
4. ‘It’s not my fault’
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While blame-shifting behaviors aren’t always a sign that someone is an inherently “bad person,” but rather coping with stress or insecurity in misguided ways, there’s a chance that your adult son using phrases like “it’s not my fault” could be a sign that you need stronger boundaries. We truly build healthy relationships through accountability, and if they’re never willing to apologize or own up to responsibility in their own life, that’s only adding more emotional and literal burdens to yours.
Especially if his lack of accountability and constant defensiveness make you feel guilty for past mistakes or invalidate your feelings, it’s probably time to create distance. Yes, you’re their parent, but that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate disrespect and cruelty.
5. ‘Can’t you see I’m struggling?’
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When a toxic adult son doesn’t get his way, the first thing he relies on is weaponizing powerful emotions like guilt and shame. Rather than taking accountability for his own mistakes and responsibility for his own life choices, he blames his parents for his faults and failures.
They’re constantly weaponizing their parents’ internal desire to protect and care for their kids, often at the expense of their own health, well-being, financial stability, and boundaries.
6. ‘You’re lucky I’m even here’
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Unlike earlier in life, where parents often have a strong responsibility to show up and care for their children, when they grow up and start their own lives, it’s a two-way street. Both adult kids and parents are expected to play a role in building trust, communicating healthily, and showing up to support one another.
However, if your adult son is using phrases like “you’re lucky I’m even here,” chances are he’s likely not a very good person anymore. His entitlement has encouraged him to believe that he’s more important or “better” than his parents in someway.
Not only does he shame his parents into believing that they have no choice in turning down his demands, but he also forces them to show up and provide for him even though he’s never offered the same in return.
7. ‘I didn’t ask to be born’
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As a study from the European Journal of Social Psychology alludes to, many entitled people have an inflated sense of “deservingness” that encourages them to believe that inconveniences, discomfort, and disagreements are fundamentally “unfair.” Anything that feels slightly annoying or uncomfortable for them is immediately a personal attack from the world, their parents, or strangers on the street.
Not only does this sabotage their empathy toward loved ones, but it also encourages them to constantly complain about and seek support from their parents when things go “wrong.” They want to be the victims in their own lives, even if it means taking away someone else’s power, happiness, and health.
8. ‘Everything is always about you’
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If your adult son is using phrases like “everything is always about you” when you’re asking for the bare minimum, expressing a concern, or urging him to take responsibility for his own life, chances are his defensiveness has less to do with you and more to do with his own insecurity. He doesn’t have a sense of inner self-assuredness, so he clings to power and control with his parents, because he knows he has the emotional stock he needs to manipulate them in powerful ways.
While it’s a difficult truth to accept, it’s often the people we know best who know how to hurt and manipulate us powerfully. If you notice your son leaning into their knowledge to hurt your feelings or guilt-trip you into meeting their needs, chances are he’s not a very good person anymore.
9. ‘Whatever’
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Emotionally secure, responsible adult children aren’t afraid to work through problems and validate their parents’ concerns, even if it’s not always comfortable or convenient. They understand that communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and they have an obligation to put in effort, just like their parents, in their shared dynamic.
However, if an adult son feels threatened by valid concerns, honesty, and vulnerability, chances are phrases like “whatever” and “you’re so dramatic” are signs that he’s not a good person anymore. Especially if this kind of invalidating language directly impacts your well-being as a parent, it’s clear he cares more about protecting his ego than supporting you.
10. ‘I don’t have time for this’
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Despite sucking all of their parents’ time, money, energy, and effort out of their daily lives for personal benefit, adult sons who aren’t good people anymore always use phrases like “I don’t have time for this” when they have the opportunity to help and support in return.
They’re not interested in reciprocal relationships because “keeping score” and weaponizing past mistakes are only acceptable when it works in their favor.
11. ‘You’re so toxic’
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Of course, adult children have the freedom to make decisions about their relationships and family dynamics, including creating space. But if an adult son is constantly painting himself as the victim and calling you “toxic” for doing your best, expressing concerns, and trying to work through issues, chances are that has way more to do with his ego than your actions.
While irritability, tension, and some level of conflict are natural in parent-adult child relationships, dealing with constant disrespect, invalidation, and manipulation is another story.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
