The Common Phrase People With Unresolved Childhood Trauma Say Without Even Realizing It
When people minimize their pain, even subconsciously, they keep themselves from moving on.
Craig Adderley / Pexels via Canva Have you ever said, "It wasn't that bad" about childhood trauma, abandonment, or neglect — your own or someone else's?
That simple phrase could be telling you something important about your past. It certainly did for me.
Everyone has struggles, right? Some people experience trauma in their childhood so serious, we might be tempted to minimize struggles that don't seem as serious as others. While it's helpful to look at what was good in childhood to balance what we remember being bad, minimizing pain from childhood doesn't help people heal.
Coming to terms with challenges to healthy attachment in childhood (like abuse, neglect, abandonment, and other traumas) is a big part of healing and moving on.
"It wasn't that bad!"
The phrase "It wasn't that bad" might seem innocuous at first glance, but it can serve as a powerful indicator of unresolved childhood trauma. This statement often arises when individuals downplay their past experiences, dismissing the impact of adverse events.
I know in my experience I always discussed my childhood as not being "that bad" but in reality, my sister made my life quite difficult, and well — my parents didn't exactly give me a ton of attention because my sister "needed it more".
Saying "It wasn't that bad" can be a way we learn to protect ourselves when we're kids, like a sort of survival skill for dealing with tough times, especially when it comes to how we connect with our parents. It's how I ended up being someone who always wanted to make others happy — a people pleaser.
Childhood attachment dictates our adult attachment style
On the podcast Open Relationships: Transforming Together, therapist Eli Harwood told host Andrea Miller, "We go through hurtful things in childhood that we don't know how to process — even if that hurt is covert, even if it's just a parent who doesn't look us in the eyes when we're crying — we tell ourselves a story to get through that experience and the story that the average person tells themselves about the insecure attachment style with their parents is 'it wasn't that bad'."
The "It wasn't that bad" mentality may be an attempt to minimize the pain associated with a less-than-ideal attachment style. Recognizing this subtle signal is the first step toward healing and building healthier connections.
Once you recognize that some things were bad, that your hurt is real, and come to terms with how this has affected your ability to attach, you can start to heal.
5 ways to heal and move forward with an insecure attachment style
1. Acknowledge and accept
The journey toward healing starts with resolving these childhood traumas. That means acknowledging the existence of your less-than-optimal attachment style today. Embrace the reality of your experiences, recognizing that it's okay to feel the way you do.
That also means acknowledging whatever you've been minimizing when you've said, "It wasn't that bad".
Harwood says that in therapy, "You get permission to acknowledge [that] it actually did really hurt and it's gonna be okay."
Acceptance is a crucial first step in paving the way for positive change.
2. Seek professional support
Therapeutic intervention can be instrumental in understanding and addressing the root causes of your attachment style. A qualified therapist can provide a safe space for exploration, helping you navigate the complexities of your past and guiding you toward healthier patterns of connection.
Harwood explains that most therapists know that they have to get to the root of the cause, "They need to know how you developed. What happened to you? What went wrong? Especially when you were little."
In other words, therapy is a much-needed tool.
3. Practice self-compassion
Developing a compassionate relationship with yourself is essential when overcoming a challenging attachment style. Understand that your reactions and coping mechanisms were adaptive strategies developed in response to specific circumstances.
Treat yourself with kindness and patience as you embark on the path to healing.
4. Establish boundaries
Learning to set healthy boundaries is a crucial aspect of overcoming a challenging attachment style. Establish clear and assertive boundaries in your relationships, ensuring that your emotional needs are met without compromising your well-being.
This process involves effective communication and a willingness to prioritize your mental and emotional health.
5. Cultivate healthy relationships
Actively engage in building and nurturing positive relationships. Surround yourself with individuals who support your growth and well-being. Healthy connections can serve as a powerful antidote to the negative effects of past attachment experiences, fostering a sense of security and trust.
Overcoming an "It wasn't that bad" attitude is a transformative journey that requires self-reflection, professional support, and intentional effort.
By recognizing the subtle signals of childhood trauma and taking proactive steps toward healing, individuals can break free from the constraints of their past and cultivate fulfilling, healthy relationships in the present and future.
It's helped me; I hope it can help you.
Deauna Roane is a writer and the Editorial Project Manager for YourTango. She's had bylines in Emerson College's literary magazine, Generic, and MSN.