11 Phrases Parents Of Selfish Adult Kids Hear Way Too Often
Parents shouldn't feel obligated to meet their adult kids' every need.
matsiukpavel | Shutterstock Self-absorbed and hyper-focused on their own needs, interests, and desires, selfish adult kids often weaponize their parents’ insecurities and manipulate them into getting what they want. While these tactics can sometimes be subtle, leveraging closeness or a parent-child relationship to their benefit, many phrases parents of selfish adult kids hear way too often are hard to ignore.
By acknowledging these toxic phrases and making the decision to set boundaries with their adult child, as psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein suggests, parents can ensure they’re looking out for the health of their family dynamic and their own well-being.
Here are 11 phrases parents of selfish adult kids hear way too often:
1. ‘You owe me’
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Many children who grow up with transactional relationships with their parents, sparked by reward and punishment parenting styles and a sense of entitlement within their family dynamic, learn they’re only worthy of love and affection when they have something to offer.
While self-absorbed parents who rely on this transactional nature tend to breed mental health struggles and anxiety in their kids, according to psychiatrist Christine B. L. Adams, it’s also possible for adult kids to adopt this selfish mentality later in life.
When they help their parents, support them emotionally, or even overlook their own needs for the sake of their parents in a passing moment, they expect something in return. Whether it’s financial support or help with something in their own life, the phrase “you owe me” is often thrown around a lot by kids who’ve internalized the transactional nature of their relationship and the entitlement of growing up in an environment where help, love, and support were conditional.
2. ‘I’ll pay you back’
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According to a report by Savings.com, more than half of parents currently financially support their adult children, helping them to afford housing, basic necessities, and random expenses in their lives, while also funding their own. Of course, many young people today struggle with financial uncertainty and strain, but selfish adult kids tend to view their parents' financial support as something they’re entitled to, rather than an act of support or grace.
To express their entitlement, they always say things like “I’ll pay you back” or “I can’t afford this without you” to their parents, usually with little to no gratitude.
3. ‘It’s not a big deal’
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By minimizing their parents' concerns and weaponizing their needs and entitlement, selfish adult kids can rely on phrases like this to get what they want from their family members. Even if it’s something big like financial support or something more subtle like helping with their kids from time to time, phrases like “It’s not a big deal” are usually intended to encourage their parents to drop everything for the sake of their own comfort and needs.
It's easy for adult children to remember that their parents are humans first. Especially after their adult kids have left the home, they have their own needs, relationships, and lives to focus on, not just supporting their kids at a moment’s notice.
Many of the phrases parents of selfish adult kids hear way too often are rooted in a misconception of this idea — their adult kids don’t see their humanity first, so they’re less likely to help and support them, give them grace, or express gratitude.
4. ‘You have no idea what life is like’
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Of course, older generations of parents and grandparents experienced a world that no longer exists, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for selfish adult kids to dismiss and invalidate their needs, opinions, and advice to get what they want.
Yes, young people are struggling financially and finding it taxing to find their place in the world, but that doesn’t mean they’re entitled to constant support — financially or otherwise — from their parents, who have their own lives to live. Even if they honestly “don’t know” what life is like, it’s possible to be supportive and gracious or open up honest and empathetic conversations that bridge the gap between family members.
5. ‘Can’t you see I’m struggling?’
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According to Bernstein, for many adult children struggling in their lives, all they need to hear from their parents is “I believe in you. " By validating their emotions and experiences, parents can support their kids without sacrificing their own boundaries and needs. However, selfish adult kids may take advantage of that support with phrases like this, weaponizing their parents' support and their internal desire to take care of their kids to get what they want.
By setting boundaries with the kinds of support you’re willing to give as a parent, it’s much easier to cope with the feeling that you’re letting your kids down or even turning away from them in their time of need. It’s okay to shed that guilt and shame, especially in the face of selfish adult kids who care more about getting what they want than protecting your well-being.
6. ‘You’re lucky I even talk to you’
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Considering many parents struggle with finding a healthy balance of time with their kids and feeling drawn toward guilt-tripping to have more, it’s unsurprising that selfish adult kids can manipulate their parents by leveraging quality time.
With phrases like “you’re lucky I even talk to you” and “I don’t even know why I come over,” selfish adult kids manipulate their parents' innate desire to spend time together, while subsequently guilt-tripping them into getting what they want. Whether it’s financial support or some other request, setting boundaries in this relationship is essential — no parent should be forced to do anything for their adult child, especially when they’re not met with an ounce of gratitude.
7. ‘I didn’t ask to be born’
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“I didn’t ask to be born” is one of the most common phrases parents of selfish adult kids hear way too often. Of course, nobody asked to be alive, but that doesn’t mean we don’t all have some kind of responsibility to live, especially in the presence of people who love us, experiences that fulfill us, and work that brings meaning to our lives.
By trying to blame parents for simply giving birth to them and raising them at home, adult children only drive a wedge in their family dynamic, trying to weaponize something unrealistic to get what they want in a way that only invalidates their parents’ experiences, struggles, and emotions.
8. ‘It’s not my fault’
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Accountability and taking responsibility for mistakes are strong facets of healthy communication that fuel healthy relationships, whether with an intimate partner or a parent.
When adult kids use phrases like “It’s not my fault” or “Why would I apologize for that?” They’re not only alienating themselves from their parents by refusing to support their concerns and emotions, but they’re spiraling into a cycle of insecurity, shame, and anxiety, where they feel more empowered to protect their ego than lean into vulnerability.
Selfish adult children truly believe that by playing the victim, they can get everything they want from their parents, so setting boundaries and having hard conversations about expectations in a parent-child relationship is necessary to protect everyone’s well-being.
9. ‘You always make everything about you’
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According to mental health counselor Geralyn Dexter, projection — when someone attributes their traits, behaviors, and qualities to another person — is common for selfish adult kids to cope with their own discomfort. When they feel defensive in a conflict or “called out” for their selfish behaviors, they try to flip the script, projecting their selfishness onto their parents to spark guilt.
A parent with self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and healthy boundaries set up in their relationships may be able to acknowledge their adult kids’ manipulation in these moments, but it’s unsettlingly subtle.
If you find yourself in a cycle of trying to advocate for yourself, only to be met with shame, guilt, and uncertainty, chances are it’s time to take a step back and recognize the manipulation your adult kids may be weaponizing to get what they want.
10. ‘Can you just trust me?’
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Honesty is an evolving practice, and trust must be built in relationships. You can decide to trust without a second thought, but most people recognize that it’s something intentionally crafted between people through behaviors, open communication, and gratitude.
Selfish adult children may use a phrase like this to guilt their parents into trusting them or force their guard down and allow themselves to be manipulated, even when they haven’t given anyone any reason to do so.
11. ‘I’m too busy’
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Committing to family gatherings and spending time with family can sometimes be overwhelming and stressful. From navigating differing opinions, to probing questions, and a disillusionment over your independence and autonomy as an adult child at home, sometimes, it’s easier to make up an excuse like “being too busy” to set a boundary and protect your peace.
However, “I’m too busy” is also one of the phrases parents of selfish adult kids hear way too often — they’re not making excuses for anything or protecting their peace from toxic family members, they’re just choosing to prioritize their comfort and needs over everyone else’s.
Even if it’s uncomfortable or a little stressful to say “yes” to spending time with family, if it’s not actively hurting you, there’s power in putting time into a healthy family relationship. Selfish people may overlook that work or be too lazy to invest energy into maintaining a relationship with their parents, but it’s still important nonetheless.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
