Parents Who Still Help Their Grown Children Too Much Often Share These 11 Habits
Alfons Moles Juny / Shutterstock It can be hard for parents to let go of their adult children. Of course, it’s normal for parents to maintain a close relationship with their children as they grow. However, some may have a hard time letting them make decisions on their own.
Most parents want to raise responsible, independent people. They may emphasize the need for their children to succeed on their own. It can be easier said than done, however. For some parents, it’s not easy to let their adult children go. They may feel responsible for them, even as they form families of their own. Whether it’s giving them financial assistance or constantly giving their unsolicited opinion, these are habits that parents who are a little too active in their adult children’s lives have.
Parents who still help their grown children too much often share these 11 habits
1. They give them financial assistance
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The job market is brutal. We used to believe that all we had to do was go to college, and our dream job would land in our laps. However, the labor market has become more complicated to navigate. Some job seekers are sending in hundreds of applications only to not hear from the company at all. It’s hard to land an interview.
When a parent sees their children struggling, it may be natural for them to help. A parent who still helps their grown children too much will likely continue to provide financial assistance. Watching their child unable to pay rent or buy groceries can be painful. However, not every parent is helping because their child truly needs it. Some may continue to happily give money to their adult children, even if they are supporting themselves.
2. They are always giving advice
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Most parents are well-meaning. They may interject themselves into their lives because they care. It’s not always appreciated by their grown children, though. We have all experienced unsolicited advice from our parents. It’s coming from a good place, but it can be overbearing. Some parents feel they still need to help their children too much.
Whether it’s advice on who to date or what to do in your career, parents who want to provide the most help they can to their children may feel they need to weigh in on every decision they make. While they just want to lend a helping hand, their unsolicited advice can push their children away. In reality, if they had the space to come to their own conclusions, they might ask for advice.
3. They want to be in control
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Growing up, your parents have total control over your every move. You needed permission to do anything. They made your food and bought your clothes. All of these things put them in charge of your life. When you age, it may be hard for them to let go. They likely understand that you are an adult who can make your own decisions, but they struggle to let go of control.
Parents may be unknowingly chasing their children away with the control they wish they could still have over them. It’s not easy to navigate a changing relationship with their adult children.
4. They problem-solve for them
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It’s not easy to watch your child struggle. It’s natural for a parent to want to show up and help their children when they're in need. However, most adults want to solve their own problems. Parents may think they need to step in and find the solution. It can be a natural need to protect their children.
“Parents often attempt to save or rescue their adult children, especially when they are going through rough times, dealing with mental health struggles, are in pain after a breakup, or have gone through a divorce,” says Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. It can be hard for them to let go of their desire to help.
5. They try to protect them
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It’s not easy to let your children navigate the world around them. It may be your instinct to protect them from anything that could harm them. Parents did that throughout their child’s formative years. It may be hard to let go of that feeling. No matter how old their children are, it’s natural for their parents to want to ensure they are always safe.
While it can be scary to let them move through life on their own, many agree that the best way to parent adult children is to let them make their own decisions. Not interfering isn’t always easy, but it’s important to let them navigate the world on their own.
6. They ignore boundaries
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Setting boundaries is important. It helps us garner respect and independence. It’s not always easy to enforce these boundaries with our parents. However, it needs to be done. Having a parent follow them is another story. When they choose to ignore boundaries, they are not treating you as an adult. Instead, they still expect their grown children to do what they say, when they say it.
“Setting boundaries with your adult children might feel counterintuitive to the unconditional love you hold for them. However, it’s essential for maintaining a healthy relationship, because boundaries protect your well-being as well as your children’s,” says Sanjana Gupta for Verywell Mind. Boundaries lead to mutual respect, support independence, prevent resentment, and strengthen bonds.
7. They constantly worry about them
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Parents naturally want to protect their children. When they are left to their own devices, it can be hard not to worry. They want to make sure their children are safe, no matter what. However, as adults, they need to trust that their children will look out for their own best interests. Worrying can negatively impact the bond between adult child and parents.
Excessive worrying can push an adult child away. While they want to help their child, it can be more harm than good to spend too much time worrying about them. Worrying too much can lead their children to believe they are not good enough to make their own decisions and can strain the relationship.
8. They prioritize their children above all else
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When raising children, being their parent may become their entire personality. It’s not easy to shake the idea that their identity is tied to their children. This type of parent may put their children above all else. Instead of letting their children grow on their own, they may want to give them all the help they can. They’ve prioritized them above all else for so long that it might be all they know.
They have good intentions, but they may be helping them too much. Since their world revolves around their children, assisting them can be their top priority.
9. They feel guilty if they don't help
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If their grown children ask for help, some parents may feel guilty if they do not provide it. They can be easily talked into anything to assist their children. Whether it’s giving them money or letting them move back home when things go wrong, some parents want to help in any way they can, no matter how much it disrupts their own lives. If they cannot provide this help, they may do so anyway to prevent feeling guilty.
Some parents can feel responsible for their child’s struggles. They may think they’re required to do everything they can to help them. If they do not, they might be riddled with guilt.
10. They underestimate their children’s abilities
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Sometimes, it can be hard for parents to trust their child’s judgment. They may not believe they are capable of making the best decisions for themselves. They underestimate them. Letting go and allowing them to make their own decisions isn’t easy. By not fully trusting them, they are trying to help guide them. However, it can cause harm to a relationship.
While some people overestimate their abilities, it may not be as common as some parents believe. When all they want to do is help their adult children, they may do so because they underestimate their abilities.
11. They try to keep the relationship from changing
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It’s not easy to let your child fly from the nest. Many parents want to keep their adult children as close to them as possible. However, in doing so, they may still offer them help as if they were a child. It can be hard for them to back off and let their children make their own decisions. They do not want their relationship to change, although it must when their children get older.
Some parents may struggle with their child’s independence. Instead of giving them space to become their own person, they may want to help them. They may fear their children no longer need them.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
