How To Want Sex Again (And Fall Back In Love In The Process)

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The Practice That Could Make you Fall in Love Again

Life is hectic.

It's tough to find time to pay bills and make dinner, let alone go on a date with your honey.

By the time you come home, you probably just want to have an adult beverage and zone out on your computer.

I mean, if you are like most couples I’ve met in my sex therapy practice, you probably are too tired to get in bed and play — especially if you are in a long-term relationship.

By the way, don’t feel bad. It is quite normal to feel less spontaneous about creating sexy time compared to when you were first courting each other.

But, wait! Don’t despair.

Incorporating mindfulness — the act of slowing down, taking a deep breath, and being aware of the present moment — into your day, could help you feel more energized, reclaim lost pleasure, let go of destructive patterns, and start having some bedroom fun again.

RELATED: 6 Ways To Be Mindfully Zen During Sex For SERIOUSLY Intense Orgasms

Seriously. I won’t go into academic writing here, but I do encourage you to browse the research of Dr. Lori Brotto from the University of British Columbia.

Dr. Brotto examines the benefits of mindfulness to treat sexual difficulties and the results are quite positive. In fact, she said: "It seems almost dangerous to say how much mindfulness seems to help."

Watch her talk with the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapy and discuss how to apply mindfulness during sexual difficulties and dysfunctions.


So before I start writing a dissertation on the benefits of mindfulness in the bedroom, I will leave you with 6 practice steps to get you started when you want to know how to have sex again and reignite your relationship:

1. Start paying attention to your breathing — the inhale and the exhale.

Begin by noticing your breath 3 times per day (do it at 9 am, 2 pm, and 7 pm).

Don’t judge yourself, just notice. For instance, as you are reading this article, is your breathing shallow or slow and deep?

By being aware of your breathing, you will begin to increase your body awareness so that when you are having sexy time and your mind starts to wander to Saturn, you will be able to bring yourself back to Earth and be in the present.

2. Download Headspace.

Folks, I am not getting a kickback here, but seriously, this program rocks! It is so easy to use.

Andy, the developer, was trained as a Tibetan Buddhist monk. His style is gentle and reassuring. I swear you will come to love it and forget the fact that you hated being still.

3. Be present.

Apply Pema Chodron’s advice. She says that to be fully present, you must pause, even if it is briefly.

For instance, connect to how you are feeling right now (both in your body and in your mind). Are you feeling sad, mad, or glad? Is your body tense or relaxed?

With whatever arises, suspend judgment, and breath in self-acceptance.

4. Let go of rigid expectations.

Let go of "should" statements like "I should be thinner and younger" or "I should have lots of sexual stamina." To get started, try this strategy.

Imagine placing your negative self-talk on a large leaf and watching it roll downstream. Say to yourself: "Bye negative self-talk. Thank you for visiting. I am busy right now. Later!"

RELATED: 7 Ways To Become More Sexually Confident (Without Feeling Embarrassed)

5. Adopt a curious attitude and focus on your five senses.

For instance, take in your partner’s scent and feel the texture of their hair, or place your hand on your partner’s heart and listen to their heartbeat.

Connect slowly and mindfully.

6. Communicate both in and out of the bedroom.

Ask your partner how they like to be touched and tell them how you like to be touched.

If the subject gets difficult and you don’t like what you are hearing, which is likely to happen, I invite you to be kind to each other.

Start with "I" messages and avoid "You" statements. Say something along these lines: "I like it when you..." instead of "You never do..."

Whether you are new at trying mindful sex or experienced at this sort of thing, I encourage you to make the commitment to spend more quality time with your sweetie, now is the time to be mindful with each other.

You can do it! Trust yourself.

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Dr. Janet Brito is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, and AASECT Certified Sex Therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu, HI. For more information about their services, explore their website or call (808) 225-2780 today.

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This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.