18 Subtle Ways Your Body Tells You Someone Is Safe To Love

Being a psychologist or any other kind of counselor is a special profession. Some missions are so central to being human they are nearly universal, like trying to find a partner. Being able to help clients make their best choices is a gift. I love being able to help them listen to their instincts to find someone to love. 

And so, although I am happily partnered, I have gone through the process of mate-searching alongside my patients, probably hundreds of times. One thing I've learned? Your body will have a ton of information to help you know who is right for you — if you listen to it. 

How your body tells you that you've found someone who is safe to love 

We talk about our “feelings” all the time. These “feelings” are physical sensations. We feel them in our body. You just have to tune in to them.

First, try not to get into a new romantic relationship until you have known what it feels like in your body to feel loved and safe in a prior relationship. For example, in your family of origin, or with some particular members of your family, with a teacher, in a friendship, in an affinity group, with a therapist, with a spiritual or religious guide, or even with a pet. Learn what "safe" feels right and let that truth play out over time. 

If you don’t already know what it feels like in your body to feel loved and safe ahead of time, you'll need to take any new relationship slow. Most importantly, after the exhilarating and disorienting feelings of initial infatuation taper off, you need to pay attention. You might miss important signals your body is sending you that this is the wrong relationship.

18 subtle ways your body tells you when you've found someone who is safe for you to love

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1. The feeling that you are appreciated
2. That you are cherished
3. That you are important
4. That you are respected
5. The feeling that you are being listened to, or at least someone is trying to listen to you
6. The feeling of being accepted as you are
7. That you are wanted
8. That you are valued
9. That you are liked (and this is different from being loved)
10. That you are understood
11. That it is safe to ask for what you need
12. That it is safe, sometimes, to kindly complain or criticize
13. That sometimes you are given things you ask for, want, and/or need
14. That it is fine to have some boundaries or set some limits with the person
15. That you can breathe and feel your heart open
16. That the energy channels in your body are open, and energy is flowing smoothly·
17. That your stomach feels calm
18. That you are “home”

How to use this list:

As you read over this list, see if you can relate. Whether you've felt these sensations before, take a few minutes each day to breathe and “install” these good feelings in your brain and your entire neurological system. 

What do you feel? The emotional part of your brain can be smarter than the rational part when it comes to the mate-choosing task.

This will come in very handy as you go forward. It will help you sift through relationships in a wise, deep way, rather than comparing potential mates using a ridiculous, cerebral check-off-the-box list of the people’s strengths.

I suggest you make this list of the components of feeling loved into a checklist that you save somewhere, so you can find it again when you need it.

The sunk cost fallacy and finding safe, fulfilling love 

Occasionally, people are so charming, handsome, pretty, or engaging that things move quickly. In the process of courting, eventually things get physical. In the very beginning, the excitement of falling in love can mask other underlying sensations, which can emerge as the initial thrill simmers down.

You find someone and it looks like it’s going to work. What a relief! Perhaps you formalize it in some way: get engaged, or married, or have a child. 

So much time and energy has been invested in finding this person, it is no wonder so many of us do not want to let go of that, even when it is fraught and upsetting over and over again. 

I get it. It is terrifying to think about going back into the world to start this hunt again. But that is the relationship side of what's called the "sunk cost fallacy". 

I feel so much compassion for you in this dilemma and I want you to feel compassion for yourself, too. But please try to pay attention to the signs your body is sending you. 

As upsetting as it is to think about starting over, focus on the worse pain of staying in a bad relationship and wasting years of your life. You deserve better than a relationship that leaves you feeling like you are lonely, alone, yearning for contact, frustrated, not heard, not valued, walking on eggshells, on alert, anxious, or even frightened for your safety.

Please learn what it is to be loved and feel safe. That’s step one. And then, listen to your body. It’s brilliant and wise. As my mother once told me, “They’re all 'the wrong one' until you find the right one.“ And you can succeed.

RELATED: 10 Subtle Signs The Love Isn't Gone And Your Relationship Can Still Be Saved

Aline P. Zoldbrod, Ph.D., award-winning author, psychologist, sex therapist, and couple counselor, sees patients in Lexington, Massachusetts, outside of Boston. Her book, Sex Smart, is available now.