How To Roast Each Zodiac Sign

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how the zodiac signs get roasted
Zodiac

Imagine one big gala roasting of the zodiac signs Just snapping on each one individually, all glowingly lit up and exposed for all of us to jeer at due to the unfortunate aspects that come along their sign. "Well, you suck 'cause you're Gemini," and, of course, "Stay away from Scorpio — they're out for blood and sex, only!"

Of course, we're not pure astrology stereotypes. How could we be? Our astrological composition is made up of many cosmic influences, and not only our Sun sign. But still, that crazy ol' Sun sign sure does dominate and exposes us for the worst we are at times.

Others pick up on our worst traits and store them away for a rainy day, and then, blammo! It's time for the roasting. At some point or another, we're all not going to get away with it, whatever "it" is.

How to roast someone usually begins when someone asks you the notorious question: "What was their sign?" And after you tell them, they say, "Oh, that explains it all." Seem familiar to you? I bet it does. And yes, people's zodiac signs do explain it all... sometimes.

But why would *I* know about roasting the zodiac signs? It's not like I don't do it for a living. No judgement here. You know you love me. Xoxo, Zodiac Girl.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)

Get up on the podium and point out your Aries, who is sitting next to you, awaiting their humiliation session. Then, get their name wrong when you present them.

Don't correct this, and repeat it subtlety, using your best acting skills. If you want to roast an Aries, get your facts on them wrong.

RELATED: The Zodiac Signs Who Are Most Compatible With Aries (And Those Who Don't Stand A Chance)

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)

When roasting a Taurus, you want to make sure you wave that red flag around them as many times as possible to make sure they're the base-natured bull that you know them to be.

Physicality is what's going to mess with their heads, so make sure your Taurean roasting consists of misrepresenting them physically. Call a brown-eyed Taurus "blue-eyed" and you'll be out a friend. Roasting material!

RELATED: The Zodiac Signs Who Are Most Compatible With Taurus (And Those Who Should Stay Far Away From This Stubborn Bull)

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)

If you want to call out a Gemini on their Gemini-ness, then you'll need a chair that has straps on it to tie them down, as they will never show up on time, nor will they ever agree or disagree to sitting in said chair.

In order to roast them, you have to catch the elusive Gemini, and that, my friends, is why it is impossible to roast a Gemini. They missed your call, oops.

RELATED: 8 Reasons Why All Zodiac Signs Should Try Dating A Gemini (At Least Once)

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)

You can roast a Cancer by telling them that you see through their act and that it's time to stop playing the sweet Cancer warrior of the people. Come back down to earth and show yourself for who you are: a scared and manipulative child who throws hissy fits when confronted.

Eat and run, leave the litter. Come out of the spotlight for a minute and clean up your mess. Roast Cancer by calling them out on their "namaste" game.

RELATED: 30 Best Cancer Tattoo Ideas & Crab Tattoos For Cancer Zodiac Signs

LEO (July 23 - August 22)

Leos are born needing a good roasting as they really do think they are born to get away with everything. Their egos are so large that this allows them to think they are cute and likable, which they are... until they cross the line. And they always do, and it's always psychotic.

Leo: You're cute, but cute doesn't cut it here. Get thee behind me.

RELATED: The Hard TRUTH About Loving A Leo

VIRGO (August 23 - September 22)

You roast a Virgo by virtue of being alive, and what I mean by that is your presence alone;, the very idea that you live is enough to ruin almost any Virgo's day. And, if you think about it, that gives you a lot of power. 

The ability to ruin the day of an entire astrological sign, just by being? It's a superpower worth investing in, because it's fun knowing Virgo's notorious intolerance can be fired up and taunted again and again so easily.

RELATED: 25 Best Constellation Tattoo Ideas For Virgo Zodiac Signs

LIBRA (September 23 - October 22)

When roasting Libra, you want to make sure you have a list nearby of their endless lies. You'll of course have lots of proof that everything they've ever said and done was false, fraudulent and felonious, and that will be helpful as they deny everything you prove.

Libra is best roasted on a full fire, for maximum destruction.

RELATED: 5 Strange Myths & Facts About The Libra Zodiac Sign You Should Know (Even If You Don't Believe In Astrology)

SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21)

Oh, who doesn't want to roast Scorpio? For this, we're going to need a modicum of compassion, ladies and gentlemen, because roasting a Scorpio is, well... pure vengeance. And let's face it: we're not into negotiating anymore.

You have given us the final insult, Scorpio, and we're not going to take it. Call it a mercy killing, or simply a roast-to-cope session, but you did us wrong one last time, and now we're roasting you for it.

RELATED: 10 Celebrity Scorpios And Why They Are So Cosmic, Per Astrology

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SAGITTARIUS (November 22 - December 21)

They'll pretend it means nothing to them when you're skewering them alive in front of all to see, but the truth is they're mostly pissed at the roasting because it interrupts their precious alone-time. If you recall, "alone-time" is also known to Sagittarius as "time away from stinky humans," and it's precious to them.

Of course, it's the biggest insult to us, the human race, and so we must punish these rebels by being in their face all day and night.

RELATED: 6 Things You Probably Don't Know About The Sagittarius Woman

CAPRICORN (December 22 - January 19)

Wanna roast a Capricorn? Don't show up in time for the roasting. No, seriously, Capricorn doesn't care about the name-calling, the insults, or the obvious negative effects their presence in the world has caused. 

No, Capricorn's only concern is that the show begin on time. If you want to take the roasting to a whole new level, spontaneously reschedule it at an unknown time.

RELATED: The Dark Side Of The Capricorn Zodiac Sign, According To Astrology

AQUARIUS (January 20 - February 18)

You roast an Aquarius the moment you request even a second of their time. Stingy and selfish to a fault, you will never convince an Aquarius that their time with you is valuable; it is not, and they let you know it with every encounter.

So when roasting one of this sign, you must automatically waste their time and then give them a bill for it, walking away promptly afterwards.

RELATED: 5 Personality Traits Shared By People With An Aquarius Zodiac Sign

PISCES (February 19 - March 10)

Pisces live and die around the idea of being thanked for everything they've ever done and will do. In their own minds, they think of themselves a benevolent god that watches over everyone's happiness, when they are more like a leech that likes to suck us all dry of emotion and money.

To roast a Pisces, we must remind them that there's nobody left; we're all dried up husks now and Pisces finally bored us all to the bone. 

RELATED: 25 Pisces Tattoo Ideas & Fish Tattoos For Pisces Zodiac Signs

Ruby Miranda is a New Yorker who learned astrology, I Ching and all types of cartomancy and numerology from her crazy, gypsy mother. She currently writes for a wide range of esoteric publications.