6 Things I Learned About Women By Cross-Dressing As A Sexy Nurse

Photo: Bob Alaburda
Love, Family

Based on the leg hair poking through my fishnets, "sexy" is probably debatable.

Once upon a time, I was struggling to come up with a Halloween costume. After much internal deliberation, I decided to go with a classic. The twist? It wasn't a classic for men: the sexy nurse.

Putting aside the weirdness that women's Halloween costumes are 95 percent sexy (insert profession), I thought it might be funny and shocking, especially because I was planning to wear it to an office Halloween party.

If nothing else, the experience wouldn't be boring. And it turns out, it gave me at least one story to tell.

1. People don't stop staring at your chest, even if you're a dude.

Granted, I have a gorgeous rack, but still. It was eye-opening to realize how people's eyes are drawn to bare skin, even when it belongs to me.

2. You're pretty much just going to be cold forever.

Not even the power of excessive body hair can combat the sheer amount of surface area skimpy outfits expose to the elements.

I'm legitimately concerned millions of women are walking around in a constant state of hypothermia every day. My nipples were harder than trying to figure out Rachel Dolezal's ethnicity.

3. Fishnets feel awesome, even with hairy legs.

Fishnets are like calf cleavage, and they feel like your legs are being hugged with happiness. Not to mention, I would've been even colder without that extra bit of material.

4. It's super annoying to have long hair in your face all the time.

Seriously ladies, how do you even drive a car? It suddenly makes sense why my girlfriend walks around with 438574 hair ties on her wrist at all times.

5. Heels take practice.

I finally understand all those scenes in slasher films where the girl inevitably trips running from the killer. With heels, you're walking downhill and on level ground simultaneously. 

It somehow requires a sentence that doesn't even make sense to describe walking in heels.

6. You learn to cross your legs REAL quick.

Before this experiment, I didn't realize women had magical clothes. Allow me to explain: When standing, you're wearing a skirt or short dress. When sitting, you might as well have no bottoms on.

I learned to hide my crotch pretty quickly  more for everyone else's safety than my own.