11 Reasons A Lot Of Smart Women Lose Friends Around The Age Of 40
goodluz / Shutterstock Becoming highly accomplished is a goal many women strive to achieve, but as they gain wisdom and experience with age, they often lose many important things, including some of their best friendships.
While we often talk about getting more tired or more wrinkled over time, we don't always talk as openly about the fact that a lot of smart women lose friends around the age of 40, or the reasons why that happens.
According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, "Many adults find that as they grow older, making new friends becomes difficult." From their priorities shifting to their identity changing, most smart women in their 40s want different things out of life than they did when they were younger. As their focus shifts, so do their friend groups.
Here are 11 reasons a lot of smart women lose friends around the age of 40
1. They stop trying to please others
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Many women are raised from a young age to be people pleasers. Never putting their needs or desires first, it's normal for women to live their lives by serving everyone around them. Some smart women in their 40s lose friends because they stop this unhealthy habit.
Choosing to live life to the fullest, they don't care what others think of them. From the careers they pursue to the hobbies they pursue, women in their 40s may not have many friends, but they're still thriving in life.
According to a study published in Personality and Individual Differences, living authentically leads to greater well-being. So, while having few friends seems like a curse, this couldn't be further from the truth.
2. Their tolerance for superficiality drops
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Once upon a time, they might've engaged in superficial behavior. Because they cared only about how they were perceived or surface-level topics, the friendships they developed weren't as profound as they could've been. However, as they get older, they're searching for something deeper in life.
Craving intellectual stimulation and connection, the reason why they don't have friends in their 40s is that their tolerance for superficiality drops. No longer tolerating friendships that don't nourish their soul, they sever what's not working for them. Whether it's friends or relationships, smart women surround themselves only with those who challenge them.
3. Their life paths diverge dramatically
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Smart women in their 40s aren't going to be the same as they once were. While some may continue to remain stagnant in their growth, smart women are always developing. From educating themselves to shifting their priorities, their life paths diverge dramatically from those of everyone else.
Always rising and moving forward, it's no wonder that they have so few friends. Intimidating those around them, some friends allow their insecurities to get the better of them. Feeling as if they can't compete, they lose friends because they always evolve on another level.
And while losing friends is hard, never let that stop you from achieving greater heights. As Professor Jim Taylor, Ph.D., said, "The first step in making meaningful changes in your life involves gaining a better understanding of yourself in essential areas that impact your life."
So, if your life is always evolving, congrats. You're probably more self-assured than the average person.
4. They become more selective with energy
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As smart women get older, they learn to conserve their energy. Knowing that their peace of mind is their top priority, they don't let themselves get caught up with people who drain their energy. Focused on surrounding themselves with the best of the best, it's no wonder they lost so many friends.
The more selective people are with their energy, the more people they lose. In the beginning, it's not an easy process, but it is worthwhile. When women choose to invest in what fuels them, they only come out better in the end.
5. Success can create distance
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On the surface, having a booming career sounds good on paper. From making more money to providing better for your loved ones, success is something everyone strives to achieve. That being said, not all friends are rooting for your success. It sucks, but jealousy has a way of ruining the best of friendships.
As Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., said, "Envy and jealousy can wear down our self-esteem, increase anxiety, and strain relationships. Envy in particular is corrosive because it keeps us focused on what we lack." This is why successful women in their 40s have such a hard time making friends. If their friends are still lacking at this age, it can lead to resentment, causing more falling outs.
6. Emotional labor catches up to them
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Being the friend everyone depends on isn't always fun. While playing the therapist is good for a short while, always being the one who carries the emotional labor is extremely damaging. For smart women in their 40s, however, they are more confident and outspoken. Not scared to say enough is enough, they set strict boundaries, which people don't always agree with.
Viewing them as a bad friend for not listening to them ramble at four in the morning, they try to control or guilt-trip smart women. Uncaring of their emotional needs, if they can't guilt-trip them, expect them to cut smart women off when they inconvenience them too much.
7. They become harder to manipulate
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Back in the day, smart women weren't immune to manipulation. While they might've been good at math or history, their people-pleasing tendencies bite them far too many times. From giving people far too many chances to hanging out with the wrong crowd, they were all too easy to manipulate.
However, they didn't remain that way forever. Smart women in their 40s eventually wise up and put up strict boundaries. Refusing to be hurt again, they are quick to call others out and distance themselves if necessary. Was it hard? Yes, but this doesn't mean it wasn't worthwhile.
As licensed psychologist Jordan Fiorillo Scotti, Ph.D., said, "Setting and holding boundaries is the best way to create a life we don't need to escape from." So, while they might've lost friends, they gained something far greater in the end.
8. They recognize one-sided friendship faster
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From never planning hangouts to rarely texting, another reason why smart women lack friends in their 40s is that they're done with the one-sided friendships.
Nobody likes feeling like an afterthought. No matter how busy friends get, learning to make time for the people who matter most is crucial. Unfortunately, not all women are in the same boat as smart women. Entirely too focused on themselves, they don't make the effort to keep their friendships alive.
9. Their standards are higher
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Sure, they might've been slightly insecure in the past. Navigating adulthood and dealing with constant self-comparisons, even smart people weren't immune to crippling insecurity. Luckily, as they grow older, smart women learn to raise their standards. From their relationships to their friendships, smart women don't play around.
Call them high maintenance or impossible, but low standards never helped them. Causing them to have the worst relationships in their life, smart women raise their standards to create a more peaceful, balanced life. This is important, as psychologist Rick Hanson, Ph.D., said, "When an individual is at peace, they are protected from stress, their immune system grows stronger, and they become more resilient."
10. They no longer bond through negativity
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No longer valuing people who engage in negative behavior, smart women in their 40s have decided that enough is enough. No longer engaging in behavior that drains their soul, they'd rather lose friends than be immature.
Whether this means shutting down gossip or learning to walk away from toxic environments, smart women who've had enough are willing to do whatever it takes to keep their lives at peace.
11. They outgrow 'history-only' friendships
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Finally, the last reason why smart women lose friends in their 40s is that they outgrow 'history-only' friendships. Do they love their best friends from grade school? Of course, however, they aren't about to prioritize years of friendship over their own mental health.
It sucks, but history alone isn't enough to keep friendships intact. As marriage and family therapist Kathy McCoy, Ph.D., said, "Being friends for life takes resilience, acceptance of change, deep appreciation, and a focus on what you share rather than differences." So, if their friend isn't putting in their fair share, don't expect smart women in their 40s to continue clinging on for long.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
