11 Quiet Things Brilliant Women Never Explain To Anyone
Brilliant women play by their own rules for good reason.
GaudiLab / Shutterstock While women do tend to take on a disproportionate amount of the emotional burden in life, when they are confident, self-assured, and independent, they don’t fall as easily into the trap of comparison, whether that be in relation to themselves, other women, or society in general.
Despite often feeling pressure to over-explain themselves and tailor their appearance, demeanor, and identity to be more palatable to traditional norms, many of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone directly oppose those expectations. These women don’t seek external validation through seeking approval or trying to make other people more comfortable by explaining why they are the way that they are. They simply follow their internal playbook, setting their own rules and values and sticking to them.
Here are 11 quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone
1. Their life choices
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Seeking approval and feeling pressured to over-explain are generally tied to unmet needs in childhood and the insecurity, low self-esteem, and uncertainty that come with those experiences, according to social worker Joselyn Jelinek. However, brilliant women who are secure in their identity and have healed from childhood trauma generally don’t feel these pressures.
When they make a life choice, a decision, or a change, they may share the news with trusted friends and family, but they’re never justifying themselves in the face of opposition. They don’t need to seek approval for their choices because they make them in their best interests.
If that ruffles feathers in their family, makes other people feel envious, or separates them from people no longer meant to be in their life, that’s a sacrifice they’re willing to make.
2. Their single status
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One of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone is their relationship status. While their parents, grandparents, co-workers, and friends might press them about settling down or meeting new people, they don’t hold themselves to any kind of traditional timeline.
They don’t subscribe to rigid social norms regarding their personal life and choices simply because of their gender. Others may fall victim to the pressure to be “married by 25, kids by 30,” especially in today’s digital landscape, but brilliant women are secure enough to embrace whatever life stage they’re currently in without a second thought.
They follow their own playbook, characterized by boundaries, rules, and values that don’t have rigid timelines or social pressures. If they’re single, they don’t feel the need to explain it to anyone, because all of their choices are self-informed and come from a playbook they’ve personally crafted to serve their best interests.
3. Why they said ‘no’
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According to psychology professor Kathryn J Lively, many women are socialized to be agreeable and nice, sometimes to a fault, from a young age, while young boys are taught to win and be less in touch with other people’s emotions for their own success. In adulthood, this can make saying “no” and setting boundaries more difficult, because they’re more worried about how other people think and feel than themselves.
However, saying no is one of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone. They’ve taken the time to unlearn the negativity behind social norms and expectations that urge them to put their needs aside for the sake of other people’s comfort, especially men, and opted for choices that put themselves first.
Even if that means they’re perceived to be rude or arrogant in their professional careers and relationships with the wrong people, simply for putting themselves first, brilliant women continue to make it a priority.
4. Silence
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According to experts from the Connolly Counselling Centre, women are taught to be people-pleasers before they have any idea what the term even means. They’re taught to protect other people’s emotions by suppressing their own, put their needs aside to fill awkward silences in conversations, and even tolerate misbehavior in relationships for the sake of aligning with societal norms.
However, silence is something brilliant women never explain to anyone. If they don’t want to speak, feel more comfortable staying silent, or opt for awkward silence to protect themselves from disrespect and ignorance, they don’t mind doing so.
5. Not chasing relationships
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Many women feel pressured to tolerate misbehavior, put up with ignorance, and chase people who aren’t meant for them to conform to societal expectations, especially older generations. For example, a young woman may feel guilty for saying no to a second date with a rude potential partner, simply because her parents believe she needs to settle down soon.
However, many of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone revolve around challenging these expectations and traditional mindsets. They’re always going to put themselves first, even if that means refusing to chase someone, tolerate disrespect, or make a few of their traditionalist family members uncomfortable. They know the consequences of defying social expectations and external opinions are far greater in their current lifestyle than living with the regret of knowing they defied their own.
6. Not being available 100% of the time
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Alongside expectations of doing emotional labor and providing constant support, many women feel pressured into being available for the people in their lives 24/7, even if that means having vague boundaries and putting their own needs aside. However, brilliant women with strong personal values and impassable boundaries in their relationships don’t make internal sacrifices to be 100% available, or even to explain why they’re not available to the people in their lives.
When they say no, it’s for a good reason, but nobody else is entitled to that reason unless a woman is comfortable giving it. Just because it makes someone else’s life more uncomfortable or inconvenient when they’re not available, doesn’t mean they’re entitled to a justification.
7. Their clothing or appearance
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From their professional lives to their personal and intimate relationships, women are more policed when it comes to self-expression, appearance, and bodily autonomy. They’re not just expected to follow certain beauty standards and feminine expectations, they’re often continuously judged and criticized for doing so.
It’s truly a lose-lose situation for many women when it comes to embracing authenticity in the public eye, so why not just be yourself? Brilliant women know that embracing authenticity, outside of societal pressures, has incredible internal benefits, which is why they make it a priority.
Authentic people live healthier, happier, and more fulfilling lives because they serve their own best interests. This individuality is personal, which is why it’s also one of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone.
8. Not responding immediately to texts
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Of course, many of us have responsibilities in our professional lives and obligations in our personal ones that require us to be available to some extent. Feeling obligated to always respond immediately is unsustainable, yet many women still feel pressure to do so.
Not responding to texts or picking up calls is one of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone, because they know they’re internally motivated. They’re never overlooking their responsibilities or personal care to respond to a text, because someone might be mad or uncomfortable if they don’t.
9. Choosing to be misunderstood
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Even if it might be uncomfortable to some people to be misunderstood without explanation or justification, brilliant women who are internally confident and motivated don’t feel the need to over-explain their identity to someone who doesn't understand.
Of course, traditionally, being misunderstood in conversations or constantly being misunderstood in a relationship has negative consequences, but for women who only surround themselves with people who value them and have a sense of self-worth that’s not reliant on others, these negative effects are few and far between.
10. Not announcing every achievement
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According to psychology professor Peter Gollwitzer, announcing your goals and achievements before you realize them isn’t just annoying to the people around you. It can sabotage your progress and productivity. However, most people who frequently engage in this behavior are seeking attention. They don’t care about the journey or growth, but rather the validation and praise they’ll receive for talking about and achieving them.
For brilliant women who are confident and self-assured, they’re committed to the journey. When they set a goal, it’s not for the external validation or end result, it’s for the growth and value it adds to their lives. So, while it may feel unrealistically offensive to a friend or family member who feels entitled to know everything happening in a woman’s life, she doesn’t owe an announcement or explanation to anyone.
11. Why they walked away
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Whether they’re walking away from a conversation that doesn’t add value to their life, like gossipy people starting drama, or walking away from a relationship, leaving is one of the quiet things brilliant women never explain to anyone. They not only are entitled to keep this reasoning to themselves, but they also don’t feel the need to justify a choice they made for themselves to anyone.
It can feel invalidating and dismissive when people urge you to over-explain life choices and decisions, rather than just supporting you, which is why brilliant women often only share explanations with trusted friends, families, and peers.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
