People Who Refuse To Give Compliments Even When They Mean Them Usually Have These 11 Reasons
Compliments tell a lot about a person, especially when they are never spoken out loud.
Bricolage / Shutterstock Back in the day, I knew a guy who would never compliment anyone. It was like pulling teeth to say anything nice, even when it was well deserved. A stoic to the core, he was a puzzle for everyone around him.
Though rare, there are some folks who just can’t seem to compliment others, no matter what the situation may be. It’s never without reason. If you’ve met someone like that before, the lack of compliments could be any of the following.
People who refuse to give compliments even when they mean them usually have these 11 reasons
1. A culture clash
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Not all cultures are heavy-handed on compliments. For example, in parts of Eastern Europe, complimenting a person can be taken as a heavy-handed flirting move or as a sign that you want to fleece them. In some cases, it can lead to a serious confrontation.
In America, we’re fairly liberal with compliments. People from cultures where compliments are rare generally won’t compliment everyone, even if they genuinely adore something about you.
2. Concern about being taken the wrong way
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Speaking of being taken the wrong way, one of the most common reasons why some people don’t compliment others deals with concern over how they appear to others. In a professional environment, compliments can be taken as inappropriate if you choose the wrong thing to say.
Rather than risk getting written up or gawked at, some folks just choose to stay quiet. And who can blame them? It only takes one compliment landing poorly to seriously traumatize a person into swearing off compliments.
3. Personal insecurities
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Compliments have a weird way of bringing out insecurities in people. Some people feel insecure about things they see in others. For example, if they notice that your body looks slender and they’re heavy, they may avoid complimenting it because it may make them start to think of how they look.
In some cases, they may think that complimenting people might make others look down on them, as if they’re weak for admitting something is awesome. Is it a little bit about envy? Yep. But, isn’t that basic humanity?
4. Concern about setting high expectations
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It’s wild to think of how much a compliment can say about a person. People tend to stay quiet about compliments if they feel like people might take them as a sign that you expect them to keep up a certain standard.
People who take compliments as a sign to do better are more common than you think. Perceptive folks might use compliments sparingly as a way to try to avoid making people think you expect certain things.
5. They want to control the direction of a group
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For some people, getting compliments can make them feel like they “won” a person or are somehow admitting they’re better than others. Other people basically freak out if they’re not the one getting complimented while others are.
When you’re managing a person like that, you might already know that a LOT of drama comes from feeding the wrong ego or ignoring the wrong person. People who have to control a group often avoid giving too many compliments to prevent infighting.
6. Concern for others
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If you’ve been a victim of extended trauma, then you already know how hard it is to accept a compliment. It can be a distraction, a little scary, make you stumble over your words, or make you bail on a conversation altogether. It’s becoming a more common reaction, too.
Some people, often those who were abused, avoid compliments because they know they can trigger a lot of emotions in others. I mean, you wouldn’t want to make another person start to cry over a compliment, would you?
7. It feels awkward
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Let’s be honest for a second. Our society has a weird obsession with being professional and kind of distant, often to the point that making friends can be hard to do. Awkwardness is a natural byproduct of a distant society.
How do you compliment someone? How do you make it sound natural? When you’re socially awkward, it’s hard to tell what to say and how to say it. So, you end up not saying anything at all because it just feels awkward.
8. It's not in their personality
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Sometimes, you don’t always have a reason for the way you are. If you are a naturally distant person, you’re not going to be the one who reaches out to others with compliments and the like. It just won’t happen.
People who have avoidant personalities tend to avoid compliments too, simply because they don’t like giving them. Surprisingly, compliments can help heal avoidant behavior. So, it’s a matter of creating that balance.
9. They don't have empathy
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Many psychologists and social scientists believe that some people don’t give compliments because they don’t realize how good they make others feel. They might know, at least “on paper,” that they feel good, but they don’t truly understand it.
Compliments give people a natural dopamine rush, assuming that they’re given in earnest. Sometimes, people don’t realize the significant impact it can have, and they see it as no big deal.
10. They want it to mean something
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One of the more revealing conversations I’ve had in my life was when I flat-out asked my friend why he never seemed to compliment anyone. He told me that he wanted to “make sure that it actually meant something” when he did it.
To a point, it’s understandable. If you hear compliments frequently, you might not actually take them at face value. You might stop believing them or really feel like they’re telling the truth. Rarity tends to make something feel more precious.
11. They want to avoid sounding like they’re fishing
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Socializing often involves a certain level of reciprocity. If you pay a compliment, it’s kind of expected that the recipient pays one to you, too. Some people take note of this and shower others with compliments in a bid to get complimented.
People who have been accused of fishing for compliments or appearing desperate tend to avoid complimenting others for that very reason. After all, it’s hard to want to give another compliment if people are going to accuse you of doing something you didn't intend.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
