5 Things Deeply Avoidant People Do On A Regular Basis
It's not coldness, it's avoidance.
Alexey Demidov | Unsplash We all bring baggage from past relationships and experiences into new romantic relationships. By threatening to leave, passive-aggressively communicating, belittling a partner, or staying silent, deeply avoidant people secretly destroy relationships. Avoidance sabotages romantic relationships by impairing a healthy connection to justify ending the bond.
Research showed that avoidant behavior is often based on "lingering but unconscious memories of lessons learned as far back as childhood. These lessons may have no true bearing or justification in the current relationship, yet they can strongly affect it, fueling marital games, extramarital affairs, poor parenting practices, and a host of other harmful actions." When done consistently over time, these often unconscious avoidant behaviors will lead to relationship tension and breakups.
Here are five things deeply avoidant people do on a regular basis:
1. Stay emotionally unavailable
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When you avoid getting close to someone for fear of getting hurt, you make it impossible to develop an intimate relationship with someone new. These are the moments when you catch yourself saying, “I can’t go through a heartbreak again, so I don’t get too close.”
This emotional unavailability will keep new mates at arm’s length, unable to connect and attach to you.
2. Threaten to leave
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Frequent threats to leave a relationship, like communicating that you want a divorce and are finally fed up, or physically storming out of a room in times of conflict, can sabotage your relationships by creating instability and insecurity. In general, you only want to threaten to leave when you mean it and intend to follow through.
In times of intense conflict, physically leaving your partner’s space if you feel unsafe or need a moment to regroup may be healthy in the short term. However, doing it habitually without other conflict resolution strategies rarely helps relationships survive in the long run.
3. Use passive-aggressive language
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When someone shows they’re upset through their nonverbal body language or words but avoids discussing it directly, it’s called passive-aggressive communication. For example, a passive-aggressive response after a fight might be, “I’m fine. Everything is good,” even though it’s clear that you’re angry, sad, or generally upset.
This kind of behavior can sabotage relationships. It makes it very difficult to resolve conflict and understand the true perspective of your partner because nothing is directly addressed. It’s left up to your partner to figure out how you feel and why, which they may or may not be able to do.
4. Belittle their partner
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Directly belittling your partner by calling them names or assuming an air of superiority is problematic because it creates a highly judgmental, often contentious dynamic with your partner.
It also assumes they are worth less than you, wrong, or insignificant, which isn’t going to make your partner feel cared about or respected.
Life coach Carolyn Hidalgo explained how, "Disagreements can move you away from your highest self and into fear. If you feel attacked, it's fear that puts you on the defensive or makes you feel offended, which leads to making judgmental comments to people you disagree with.
"Fear may mean someone is not meeting your expectations. That can result in feeling disappointed or angry and lead to judgment. Let go of your expectations and you'll be less judgmental."
5. Give the silent treatment
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Sometimes, the most cutting way to sabotage a relationship is by cutting off contact or not responding to a partner’s communication attempts. Literally, to be silent and stop engaging in communication entirely. Stonewalling or refusing to engage with a partner makes resolving conflict and understanding the other very difficult.
According to a 2021 research study, the most common reasons participants sabotaged their relationships were:
- Fear, primarily of being hurt or rejected, but also of commitment
- Low self-esteem and negative self-concept
- Difficulty trusting partners
- High expectations for the relationship were not being met, and there was general disappointment that the connection was not as good as it should have been
- Lack of relationship skills or tools to do it differently
If you notice you’re doing any avoidant, self-sabotaging behaviors, pause. Notice your thoughts, feelings, and how you want to act before you do anything. Just sit with the experience without doing anything. Try not to act impulsively and explore why you’re sabotaging your relationship this way.
- Are you afraid?
- Insecure about getting close to people?
- Are you struggling to trust or holding unrealistic expectations for your new mate?
As you recognize your motivation, actively work to stop sabotaging yourself.
Dr. Cortney Warren is a Board Certified Clinical Psychologist and expert on eating disorders, self-deception, and the practice of psychotherapy from a cross-cultural perspective.
