11 Phrases That Used To Be Seen As Compliments But Now Sound Offensive
Despite how well-intentioned a compliment is supposed to come off, a person receiving it may not take it that way.
Dodokat | Shutterstock It's a common experience to receive a compliment, whether it's from someone you know or even a stranger, and end up feeling worse about yourself, even if that person probably meant for it to be appreciative and lighthearted. It may not have been their intention to hurt your feelings or give you a backhanded compliment, but the words they choose end up feeling like more of a critique than anything else.
Words that were once thrown out casually have now become a trigger for many individuals, and certain phrases that used to be seen as compliments but now sound offensive end up being subtle digs against a person's character or personality disguised as something they should feel good about. Words carry such an impact and no matter how the person delivering the compliment meant it to be, it's important to recognize that we should truly be thinking before speaking.
Here are 11 phrases that used to be seen as compliments but now sound offensive
1. 'You're so articulate'
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At first, this might sound like someone is praising how someone speaks and expresses their thoughts, but it's actually one of the phrases that used to be seen as compliments but now sound offensive. This person may be trying to show appreciation for how someone comes across, but depending on who's saying it and who they're saying it to, it can come off as sounding condescending rather than appreciative.
In a study published in the Journal of Business and Psychology, researchers found that women tend to experience negative outcomes when faced with condescending individuals compared to men. Women were also seen to speak fewer words after a man spoke condescendingly to them, compared with if a woman did it, but men's willingness to speak was seemingly unaffected by the same interactions.
All in all, no one enjoys being talked down to in the slightest. The issue isn't quite with the words themselves, but the assumptions that can be attached to them. It can suggest that the person giving the "compliment" didn't expect the other individual to be as well-spoken as they ended up being. It's as if that kind of eloquence is unusual for them, whether it's because of their race, gender, or social status.
2. 'You've lost so much weight'
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While this compliment is usually said with the best intentions by someone who has noticed another person has lost weight, it can often end up carrying a lot more baggage than intended. The other person can immediately feel offended that their weight is being looked at and pointed out, and may even think that the other person is trying to imply that being thinner is better.
"Commenting on people's weight — whether as a compliment or a critique — can contribute to body dissatisfaction, disordered eating, weight stigma, and even reinforce societal beauty standards that are harmful to mental health," explained licensed psychologist Rachel Needle.
"So the next time you're tempted to comment on someone's body, pause and consider: Is there something deeper, something more meaningful, that you can acknowledge instead?"
It can end up reinforcing these outdated beauty standards regarding weight and how a person's appearance should be, rather than focusing on their personality and who they are outside of their body. We're all so much more than the bodies we walk around it. We have souls, minds, ambitions that are more important.
3. 'You're not like other girls'
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Usually, this is seen as a compliment that a man will give to a woman as a way to differentiate her from other women. However, rather than being something that can make a woman feel good, it ends up suggesting that other women are the problem. This phrase suggests that most women are dramatic, superficial, rude, or some other trait that's considered undesirable.
"These 'not like other girls' antics tend to lean into historically [misogynistic] ideas about womanhood and femininity. They do this by reducing other women to stereotypes they believe men despise and positively contrasting themselves to those stereotypes," insisted cognitive psychologist Amber Wardell.
It simply plays into internalized misogyny and implies that there's some sort of right way to be a woman, while also causing unnecessary competition between women at the hands of a man. A more empowering compliment would be pointing out a specific personality trait in that specific woman without dragging other women into it or attempting to bring them down just to uplift that one woman.
4. 'You're aging so well'
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Individuals may mean well when they say this, attempting to point out how youthful and vibrant another person is. But because it's one of the unfortunate phrases that used to be seen as compliments but now sound offensive, it can come across as ageist and backhanded.
It assumes that getting old and having wrinkles alongside other markers of aging is something to fear. There is nothing wrong about aging and, in fact, it's a beautiful thing. It shows that you've lived a life, and considering many people don't have the luxury of growing old, it should be something to cherish instead of something to run away from.
"Aging, in many respects, is a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more we are told we are old, the more we believe we are. The older we feel we are, the older we act. The more we discriminate against older people, the more we reinforce the negative stereotypes and ageism. It is our choice to believe that we are feeble and dependent or strong and independent," pointed out philosopher Elaine Dundon.
Especially for women, aging is seen as something that should be avoided at all costs. We should instead be celebrating someone's strength and value that only becomes stronger the older they become, rather than being critical.
5. 'I love how you just don't care what people think'
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At first, this phrase could be seen as someone trying to uplift another person's confidence by pointing out that they seem unbothered by the things that others may think of them. But, depending on the tone and context, it can end up feeling like a jab instead.
It's almost as if someone is being encouraged to feel embarrassed for the way they carry themselves instead of being proud that they're living an unconventional life and not fitting into a box. It also just assumes that someone doesn't care what others think of them, which may not even be true.
Many people who live a bold life often struggle with being perceived and judged by others. Research has even shown that judgment about a person's perceived appearance is associated with higher stress levels and even depressive symptoms. A better compliment would be to point out their strong sense of self and fearless attitude, instead of putting these implications that they're being criticized.
6. 'You're so brave for wearing that'
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This may sound like a bit of encouragement and trying to uplift an individual with what they're wearing, but it can suggest that what they're wearing is so out there and maybe even inappropriate that it's "brave" for them to have worn it in the first place. This kind of "compliment" is often just a critique more than anything else. It's as if the person is defying expectations just by the clothes they chose to put on that day.
"Too often, fear of leaving our comfort zone keeps us from achieving the goals we'd like to achieve. When people try new things, they enjoy an enhanced feeling of courage, which builds confidence," explained licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White.
When someone decides to step out of their comfort zone and wears something they normally wouldn't, the best thing you can tell them is "You look good" or "I like your outfit." There's no need to say anything else or make them feel uncomfortable in what they have on.
7. 'You're smarter than you look'
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There's simply nothing flattering about telling someone that they look a lot smarter than you originally thought they were. It implies that, based on how someone looks, it's related to how intelligent they may or may not be. It's treated as being a surprise or something to be impressed by, and also feeds into the stereotype that the more attractive a person is, the less competent and smart they must be.
It's such an outdated and harmful way of thinking. A person would rather be acknowledged for their intellect without being made to feel bad about it in the process. Intelligence is diverse across all types of people and how they look and present themselves. It isn't just something that only a certain type of person has.
8. 'You're prettier without makeup'
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There might be some well-intentioned appreciation behind telling someone that they look better without makeup, but it implies that they're using makeup as a way to cover themselves up when that's not the case. Anyone who's wearing makeup isn't doing it to be noticed by others, but rather, to feel good for themselves.
Makeup is fun, and to dismiss someone from wearing it is to deny them a chance at self-expression. It's simply their choice and a backhanded compliment that they look prettier without it only reinforces this idea that there's something wrong with putting on a little bit of eyeliner or some concealer.
According to well-being coach Shira Taylor Gura, to avoid this, people should compliment something specific to the makeup a person wears, not their appearance. They can say something as simple as "I love that eyeshadow look. It really highlights your eyes."
But whether someone would prefer to be bare-faced or wear a full-face of glam, it's their decision and should be respected. If you have nothing nice to say, just keep it to yourself.
9. 'You don't come off as someone who struggles'
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This phrase implies that someone who's struggling needs to look a certain way. It can end up feeling dismissive of what someone is going through, and just because they seem put-together and steady, they simply can't be the type of person who's dealing with real problems. While it may come off as complimenting someone's composure, it can end up invalidating their experience to the point where they don't feel inclined to share vulnerable aspects of their life.
The truth is, many individuals are just really good at putting on a mask to the rest of the world. They suffer in silence, whether it's because they don't want to burden others or because they just don't know how to talk about their issues.
10. 'You're surprisingly humble'
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As one of the rude phrases that used to be seen as compliments but now sound offensive, this one can come off as quite patronizing, even if the person giving it is trying to point out the other person's good character and modesty. Despite the intentions, the person receiving the compliment can end up feeling like they're being judged because they're not as bad as someone might have first assumed about them.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Gregg Henriques, PhD, a person who is judgmental is likely also overly critical. In this context, telling someone they're humble in a condescending way highlights a lack of empathy and compassion judgmental people have towards others.
Instead of actually appreciating someone's humility, it can come across as though they're shocked that someone isn't as egotistical as once perceived. It honestly says more about the opinions that someone may have had about another individual rather than pointing out a character trait that's worth praising.
11. 'I thought you'd be intimidating but you're actually nice'
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There are a lot of people out there who have this aura about them that might be off-putting to others. However, the worst thing that you can do is actually acknowledge that and disguise it as a compliment.
It may seem flattering because you're saying that someone is actually nice despite previous preconceived notions, but it just shows that you were making baseless assumptions about a person before you actually met them.
This phrase just ends up putting more of the negative impression that you had of them rather than the positive. Especially for women and people of color, this backhanded compliment is often used against them and can be such an alienating and criticizing way to show appreciation for someone.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
