People Who Lack Personal Boundaries Say These 11 Phrases On A Near Daily Basis
ahmetnkececi | shutterstock Most people have a desire to be kind and considerate to others, not wanting to cross any lines. As such, they'll purposely stay silent or choose to not voice their concerns. Other times, people who lack personal boundaries will use phrases that are unclear, passive-aggressive or self-limiting.
Being unable to express their true feelings might lead to emotional suppression or resentment between both speaker and the person they're communicating with. Still, how can someone tell when a person is being way too nice? How can they know if it's genuine? Often they use phrases that indicate they're not telling their truth or protecting their own boundaries.
People who lack personal boundaries say these 11 phrases on a near daily basis
1. 'I don't mind'
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People who lack personal boundaries often feel it's not okay to feel offended or cheated in a situation. When people push boundaries without a second thought, it is totally OK to think, "This just isn't fair." Unfortunately, when you lack healthy boundaries, you might pretend you're fine. But backtracking isn't the way to go, as refusing to discuss one's feelings might cause misunderstandings and miscommunication in relationships.
This can create contempt as individuals slowly begin to grow increasingly resentful. And according to the Gottman Institute, it's dangerous; contempt is one of the four horsemen that lead to divorce, causing relationships to fall apart.
For people who lack personal boundaries, it's best to be clear when communicating. Whether it's a friend, boss, or partner, being clear will establish boundaries, strengthen relationships, and decrease stress in the long run.
2. 'I don't want to upset anyone'
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When a person lacks personal boundaries, they likely say things like, "I don't want to upset anyone." This is fine when you don't want to talk badly about someone else or share a harsh low-stakes opinion. For example, there's no need to say someone else's favorite TV show is trash, even if that's what you think.
In an ideal world, most people would understand the importance of boundaries and won't hesitate to honor people's personal boundaries. Then, it wouldn't matter if you censored your opinions. Unfortunately, there are people that will walk all over you if you aren't willing to upset someone by standing up for yourself. Too often, when we are passive, we end up with regrets about how we allowed others to treat us.
According to J. Kim Penberthy, a neurobehavioral scientist in University of Virginia's School of Medicine, regret is the worst negative emotion for humans, as it increases stress and impacts physical health. "Regret is a very real reaction to a disappointing event in your life, a choice you made that can't be changed, something you said that you can't take back. It's one of those feelings you can't seem to shake, a heavy and intrusive negative emotion that can last for minutes, days, years or even a lifetime," Penberthy said, before adding, "Imaging studies reveal that feelings of regret show increased activity in an area of the brain called the medial orbitofrontal cortex."
To avoid regret, people should work on knowing when it's OK to upset someone, and when to keep quiet. Make a list of boundaries you simply will not compromise on, and let the rest go.
3. 'I guess I can make it work'
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We all have responsibilities, some that need to be taken care of in a short amount of time. But for some people who lack personal boundaries may take on too much, even when they know they're maxed out. Feeling rushed, they may scramble to do their best while people-pleasing, making their lives stressful when a friend or co-worker approaches them to add more to their plate.
That's when you might hear, "I can make it work." If you're the one asking someone to take on more, you might think it's just another way of saying, "yes." But for the person lacking boundaries, it's likely to mean, "I really can't, but I don't know how to say 'no'."
During situations like these, it's important to be strong enough to decline. When filled with a list of things to do, not knowing the limit can cause even the strongest people to crumble. "No" is a complete sentence; don't let people cross that boundary.
4. 'I can fit that into my schedule'
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Similar to, "I guess I can make it work," when someone says they can fit another task into their schedule, they may be trying to tell you that they have a very busy schedule. This can happen if they are passive-aggressive, or if they lack proper boundaries.
The problem? When people are too nice to stand up for themselves, they are doing themselves a disservice. Instead of someone acting like they can accommodate others' at the expense of their own mental health, it's better to be upfront with their needs. Worse, the other person doesn't know whether to believe them when they say "yes" to something, and that can cause a feeling of insecurity which is bad in personal relationships as well as professional ones.
As shared via Berkeley's Greater Good Project, "Passive aggressiveness often stems from one’s childhood experience with anger. If you witnessed explosive anger as a child, where a caregiver yelled or displayed physical aggression, you are likely to grow up terrified of the emotion—not just of seeing someone get angry, but of feeling anger, too."
It takes practice to break a cycle like this, but it's worth it. A simple response like, "I'm far too busy to do that" benefits both parties more than simply ignoring the issue.
5. 'I'm sorry, but...'
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When at a professional meeting, for example, it's easy to allow the pressures of expectations to feel intimidating. Feeling caught up in the moment, a person who lacks personal boundaries might inauthentically apologize before making a demand to soften the blow. Unfortunately, this might have the opposite effect and cause the other person to feel even worse.
One study published in Frontiers of Psychology found that saying sorry while intentionally rejecting someone leaves them feeling worse off. Not only that, it pressures them into forgiving the other person, leaving a bitter taste in their mouth.
To avoid this, a person can simply say, "Hey, I don't feel comfortable doing this." Though difficult, setting those boundaries and being upfront is the best way to build trust and prevent burnout.
6. 'I got it, don't worry about it'
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There are, of course, people who say "I got it" or "don't worry about it" who genuinely mean it. You can tell they're being authentic by their body language, their tone and their eye contact. Do they look directly at you? Are they smiling in a relaxed, natural way? They probably mean it.
However, some people say, "Don't worry about it" when they feel it would be easier to take on that task than it would be to set a clear personal boundary and just say, "I cannot do that right now." This is due to their own fears, primarily, but it can be distressing to others who won't know whether their friend, partner or colleague is truly able to handle the request. Often, because the "vibes" are so off, both parties are left rethinking the interaction and trying to figure out what went wrong. This is not good for anyone, in the long-run.
A study published in Clinical Psychological Science found that rumination and life stress can lead to both depression and anxiety. This is why people need to speak up if they're unsure if they can handle a task. Otherwise, it can lead to unneeded mental stress for both.
7. 'I guess that's OK'
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It might sound obvious, but being unsure isn't a good mental space to be in. Not only does saying, "I guess it's OK" sound like you're lacking confidence, it also confuses everyone involved. Is it OK or not?
Most people want a direct yes or no answer. They don't like second-guessing, and prefer knowing what to do rather than leaving room for errors or starting from scratch. This is how people who lack personal boundaries are actually being unkind, despite that being the opposite of what they likely intend. As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind."
Being upfront and saying, "That's not OK," saves time and energy for everyone. On top of that, it reinforces the other person's boundaries, allowing both people to know where they stand in the relationship.
8. 'I don't want to be a burden'
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Nobody likes to feel a burden to their loved ones. In an ideal world, everyone could be content without sacrificing their loved one's comfortability. However, refusing to acknowledge their needs isn't the proper way to handle a situation. Not only will it cause their resentment to increase, but it can lead to severe burnout.
A person who says, "I don't want to be a burden," is effectively disregarding their own feelings and emotions in favor of someone else's comfortability. They might refrain from doing the things that make them happy because they care too much about the opinions of others.
This may also be a passive-aggressive request for reassurance. Instead of asking directly whether something is OK, they'll frame themselves as the victim and appeal for sympathy. This lack of directness often increases resentment all around.
9. 'I'll do it myself'
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It's sad, but often, when someone who lacks personal boundaries says they'll do something themselves, they often say it out of frustration rather than empowerment. Feeling overwhelmed and under-appreciated, they take on more and more responsibilities to avoid being seen as difficult or over-dramatic. They may also say it passive-aggressively, hoping someone will step up and strongly insist upon taking over.
This type of behavior might lead to emotional suppression. According to research from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that was performed on college students but can be extrapolated to others, emotional suppression leaves all the bad feelings while completely getting rid of any positive ones. Instead of being overly nice, people can be open and respectful while talking.
Saying, "I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and could really use your help" conveys what is needed. While it may be frustrating or even scary to some, this type of vulnerability allows individuals to express their feelings and enables the other person to adjust their behavior accordingly.
10. 'It's not a big deal'
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Most people know that when someone who lacks boundaries says, "It's not a big deal," it tends to be quite a big deal. But not wanting to be difficult, they will bury their emotions to avoid stirring the pot. This then leads to undermining their emotions as they're unsure of what's real and what's an overreaction.
According to Jennifer Gerlach, LCSW, dismissing those emotions only intensifies them, preventing healing and connection from taking place.
Says Gerlach, "Shame often leads us to believe we must be able to get over something. We might think we don't have the right to feel certain things, like anger, in a given situation. Similarly, we might judge others for their reactions. Yet, this shame adds but another layer of problems. Shame can lead to isolation. Isolation has the potential to postpone healing. We can become disconnected from ourselves and others."
It's best for people who lack boundaries and are overly nice to be upfront with how they feel. It might be difficult at first, but it can make room for honesty and understanding on both sides.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
11. 'I'm not picky'
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While everyone loves an easy-going friend or family member, people who lack personal boundaries can often be found saying they're not picky when they wish they could speak up. They may be too afraid of rejection to share a preference or they may wish they could appear relaxed and easy.
Regardless of the "why," saying you're not picky when you do have a preference is unfair. It's unfair to the person you're speaking to because they cannot get to know you or know what you want or need. It's also unfair to you, as denying your reality will only lead to people taking advantage of you.
Phrases like this keep people from connecting on an honest, authentic way and lead to loneliness that the person who lacks boundaries often doesn't understand. The best thing they can do is to dive in and see where phrases like the ones in this list come from. What are you trying to gain by doing this? What do you compromise when you say things like this?
Once you understand, start practicing setting and honoring boundaries in small ways, building up to the bigger ones. The relationships you cultivate as a result will be deeper and longer-lasting than any that happen when you don't honor your boundaries.
