10 Relationship Habits That Instantly Reveal Someone Wasn't Raised With Confidence Or Healthy Boundaries
Some behaviors speak volumes about a person's self-esteem.
Los Muertos Crew | Canva If you are single, but would rather not be, I am sure you have given significant thought to why. I know what you're thinking: Why is it that you don't have a man yet, while certain people around you seem to hop, sometimes effortlessly, from one relationship to another?
Well, one answer is that it may not be your season. For many, it is as simple as that. However, for others, it's actually the right time, but they're practicing the wrong behaviors and essentially standing in their way. Here are a few things I have personally witnessed people do that keep them single — and some of the behaviors may stem from a lack of confidence. Are you guilty of these things, too?
Here are 10 relationship habits that instantly reveal someone wasn't raised with confidence or healthy boundaries:
1. They hold on to someone who isn't available
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There are many reasons someone may not be available to date. Is he separated or married? Perhaps he is living with his girlfriend?
If you hold on to such a person, fully knowing you are sharing with someone else, you illustrate the lowest form of self-love, and that won't get you where you want to go.
Our earliest relationships with caregivers play a crucial role in how we relate to others in close relationships. One study explained that if a child's boundaries were consistently disregarded, they might learn that saying "no" is ineffective, leading to difficulties setting boundaries as adults.
2. They don't believe someone when they tell them the truth
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Many times, men will directly tell you their outlook on the relationship. They'll say things like, "I'm not interested in anything serious" or "I don't see myself being married."
If you hear anything similar, don't think you're the only person who can and will change his perspective. Trust me, you can't and you won't. Moreover, you'll just end up wasting your time and resources. You only have the power to change yourself.
While there's no direct research that trust issues are a sign of being raised without values or manners, available research has concluded that the factors influencing trust include past experiences, cognitive biases, and social and emotional factors. Early experiences of a secure attachment to caregivers, characterized by warmth and responsiveness, can foster a sense of trust in children that extends to relationships later in life.
3. They're a toxic date
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Toxic dates are those who complain all the time. They are the ones who always blame you. They may always turn things around to make it someone else's fault. They overreact to bad events. If all of this sounds familiar, "they" could be you.
Toxic people are a huge energy drain. No matter how outwardly attractive or successful someone is, toxicity just ain't it.
Chronic complainers may struggle to communicate their needs effectively, potentially leading them to vocalize their grievances more intensely as a way to seek validation or attention. This behavior can become a learned response, particularly if it was a pattern of communication during their upbringing
4. They don't believe in love
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If you truly think you are destined to live life alone or you are of the thought that Michelle Obama married the "last good man on earth," you'll be right. Why? Because our belief is our reality.
Our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our attachment styles, impacting how we approach intimacy and connection as adults. Securely attached individuals, according to one study, are often raised with attuned and caring parents, are more likely to have positive expectations of relationships, trust in others, and be comfortable with closeness.
5. They do nothing differently when things aren't working
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My favorite question to ask prospective clients is: "How many dates have you gone on in the last two years?" Most answer "zero." (FYI: According to Pew Research, about a third of never-married single adults (35%) say that they have never been in a committed romantic relationship.
Then my second question is always, "Are you happy with your number?" Most say no. My final question is always, "What are you doing differently to change it?"
Most say "nothing." The bottom line is that in every aspect of our lives (dating included), we can't do the same old thing and expect different results.
6. They take bad advice from friends and family
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Your friends are not relationship experts. Your loved ones often give bad advice. It's well-meaning, but awful, dating advice because they aren't objective. Plus, they aren't therapists or dating experts.
Social Learning theory suggests that people learn behaviors and values through observing and imitating others, especially during childhood. If children are exposed to environments where adults don't model discerning decision-making or respectful interactions, they may be more prone to adopting similar patterns, potentially including taking bad advice without critical evaluation.
7. They commit too soon
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A top dating mistake that I see my clients make often is going from casually dating someone to exclusively dating that someone within a short period of time. This is a widespread issue.
In 2012, the average U.S. couple became exclusive within just five dates. This is much too soon. Why, because it takes time to observe their values, and you also don't know someone until you have witnessed them in a time of adversity.
8. They lower their standards to compete
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If you are concerned that because there are "so many women" vying for the man you are interested in, you must "compete" and do things not within your value structure (like be intimate earlier than planned), stop it. The moment you bend your boundaries is the moment you begin to bully yourself.
Healthy boundaries are intrinsically linked to self-esteem and self-worth. One study argued that people with healthy self-esteem are more likely to set and maintain boundaries that protect their emotional, mental, and physical space.
9. They adhere to ultimatums
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Love is not selfish. Love doesn't come with strings attached. If you have to give in to get him, get out. While ultimatums may lead to short-term compliance, they rarely result in genuine or lasting change because they create pressure and resentment rather than fostering mutual understanding and respect.
Research has shown that a healthy relationship thrives on open communication, negotiation, and a willingness to compromise, whereas ultimatums can shut down dialogue and lead to feelings of being controlled.
10. They have an unrealistic list in their head
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Do you chase after preferences? (You know, like he must be 6-foot tall and have perfect teeth?) We all have preferences, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. The problem is when we don’t secure our own needs first.
Some experts argue that excessive reliance on lists, bordering on an obsession, might be associated with an underlying need for control or anxiety, which could be linked to childhood experiences involving unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries can foster perfectionist tendencies and low self-esteem, leading to a constant need for external validation.
These are what I call in my book, "your relationship vitals" (values, personality type, non-starters, and attraction traits) and become obsessed with them opposed to what's on a list of frills.
Paul Carrick Brunson is an entrepreneur, tv host, and columnist. An internationally recognized expert in interpersonal relationships and personal development, he serves as a columnist for USA Today, and co-host of UK’s Celebs Go Dating tv show.
