People Who Don’t Need To Control Every Situation Usually Have These 10 Unbothered Reasons
Alan Garzon | Pexels Ever notice how the people who seem most at peace aren't the ones who've figured out how to control everything, but the unbothered ones who've just stopped trying? Studies at Penn State found that people with generalized anxiety disorder often experience what's called relaxation-induced anxiety, where attempting to relax can paradoxically spike their anxiety levels because they fear losing the protective shield their worry provides.
Through her own journey and working with countless couples, Andrea Miller, host of the podcast "Getting Open" and author of Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love, discovered something counterintuitive: the key to peace isn't letting go, it's accepting your lack of control. "This exercise may hurt a lot," Miller writes. "But here's what I love about this kind of honest introspection: You are empowered to move forward with a new, more self-serving narrative. Once you have come face-to-face with these debilitating, or even self-destructive parts of yourself, you can begin letting them go. You can begin rewriting the script for your future self."
When couples explored the internal barriers hindering their relationships, they found the courage to try radical acceptance, starting with letting go of the need to control each other — andevery situation. Each emerged from the emotional edge to the peaceful life they wanted. So what exactly do these unbothered people know that makes them so resilient? We asked multiple love and relationship experts to weigh in.
People who don’t need to control every situation usually have these 10 unbothered reasons:
1. Because letting go opens your heart to love
“The person who practices mindfulness, meditation, and self-examination recognizes within them a sense of peace and peacefulness. Feelings, such as anger and happiness, are fleeting. Having a sense of peace within is not fleeting. A sense of inner peace speaks to an awareness of the person and their environment. We can feel angry, happy, sad, etc., while at the same time maintaining a sense of peace.
Look to people such as Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., I have no doubt they felt anger that was part of their motivation as to why they acted. But a reason their actions were not violent, and their rhetoric was of love, is that they had a sense of inner peace, allowing them to feel anger, yet not allowing them to betray their beliefs through their actions.
When we feel emotions and act in unison with our core beliefs, not violating our true self, then we are at peace. We may feel anger or sadness at situations or even toward specific people, but in maintaining a union between those feelings and our actions to our core beliefs, we retain our sense of inner peace even as we struggle through the turmoil of our feelings.”
—Chris Shea, life coach and national speaker on topics of mindfulness
2. Because letting go is easier than control
“Acceptance is much easier (and less stressful) when you understand the cause of what is happening. Personality styles, getting psychological needs met (certainty, connection, significance, variety), and giant snowballs of past emotions that get triggered each time the same feeling arises, play a role in every situation. Radical understanding helps put you in the driver’s seat of radical acceptance.”
—Kelly Rudolph, founder of Positive Women Rock
3. Because letting go lowers stress
Maria Orlova / Pexels
“Acceptance can be beneficial in ways that can help people who are struggling with stress. This is a two-pronged approach: be focused on a task at hand, but depending on the circumstance, feel a negative emotion, accept it, and continue to focus on the task. Using attention and acceptance together seems to be really promising as a holistic treatment option for people with stress.”
—Deb Eastwood, founder of Suddenly Single Coaching
4. Because letting go is an act of love
“I believe where there is love, there is a way. However, love requires loving thoughts, loving words, and loving actions toward ourselves first and then toward everyone and everything else. In every moment and every circumstance, we can take a moment to breathe, not automatically react, and quietly ask ourselves: ‘What would love do now?’”
—Dr. Erica Goodstone, love mentor and relationship healer
5. Because letting go is the path to happiness
“We'll only learn to stress less and find true happiness when we stop judging others, and worse, ourselves! We are not our limitations or labels. We're not just our weaknesses or strengths. We're complex in our variety. Yet we're our own worst enemy. So stop classifying and search for a connection, and start with yourself first."
—Kathryn Ramsperger, life coach
6. Because letting go is a power move
"An effective way of dealing with anxiety is by accepting your anxious thoughts. Next time you feel overwhelmed with anxiety, try distancing yourself from the anxiety by allowing yourself to just notice it. It goes something like this:
‘I’ve noticed I’m now feeling anxiety because of XX.’ By noticing why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, and accepting your anxious thought as would an outsider, you’ll be reducing the power it has over you."
—Leigh Norén, couples counselor
7. Because letting go opens the door to progress
Letícia Alvares / Pexels
"When we consciously and deliberately release judgments and assignments of rightness and wrongness, we begin to step into the space of allowance of what is. And, beautiful, when we relax into allowance, stress, anxiety, and all of the unknown ‘what ifs’ dissipate."
—LeNae Goolsby, intuitive empowerment life coach
8. Because letting go is the foundation of love
"Remember, there are no mistakes; we’re here to learn. We don’t have to like it, and acceptance doesn’t mean ‘resignation’ to what’s happening. But allowing and accepting everything for what it is IS the key. That’s what opens the floodgates, relieves the pain, and lets things flow!! Hint, hint: It’s called unconditional love.”
—Nancy Lee Bentley, holistic health expert
9. Because letting go shifts your perspective
“We all deal with change differently; some is chosen change, some is unchosen change, but it's how we respond that counts for stress management. Every experience is a good experience eventually!”
—Patrick Williams, internationally acclaimed coach and speaker
10. Because letting go is a supreme act of trust
“'I trust you' — saying that feels pretty good, right? Trust feels like a core element to any good relationship, but look closely, because blind trust is the source of the trouble in all relationships. It’s a setup for failure because there’s not one person alive roaming the Earth today who can be trusted for everything. Instead, consider what you can trust people for — the good, bad, and ugly. For example, I can trust my partner to always get us places a few minutes early or on time; he can trust me to be five minutes or so late, so he makes adjustments. If you look and see people (with your eyes wide open) and only trust them for what they can truly be counted on for, like by what their track record reflects, you’ll reduce stress and have a lot less anxiety.”
—Wendy Newman, dating and relationship expert
Aria Gmitter is YourTango's Senior Editor of Horoscopes and Spirituality. She graduated from the Midwestern School of Astrology and has been a practical astrologer for 40 years.
