The Art Of Not Caring: 4 Ways To Walk Through Life Without Needing Constant Validation
Letting go of approval-seeking isn't cold — it's freeing.
Jay Sound | Unsplash` If you can learn how to stop caring about what others think, you'll be incredibly empowered to live life on your own terms. But if you want to boost self-esteem, you need to learn how to recognize that you're a people pleaser first. How often do thoughts like this go through your head?
- "What will you think if I don’t go?"
- "Will she be mad if I say 'no'?"
- "What did they think when I said that?"
- "He’ll be upset if I tell him what I think."
- "What do people want from me?"
If your answer is along the lines of "all the time", guess what? You’re human. Part of your DNA wires you to want to be validated or to belong to a group to fit in. But sometimes, you end up turning into a people-pleaser who requires constant validation.
And, with that said, it's time for you to learn how to stop caring about what others think and focus on one thing: yourself. Too much thinking about what other people think or about other people’s reactions is unhealthy.
It keeps you stuck in people-pleasing mode. Not only is that not good for your confidence, but it also holds you back from what you’re here to do on earth. We make ourselves crazy trying to control what people think. Stop holding your thoughts — and life — hostage by making decisions based on what others might or might not think. I spent way too much of my life trying to control what others thought of me (usually these were people I didn’t even like).
How nuts is that? I’d do something I didn’t want to do so someone I didn’t like might think something about me that wasn’t representative of my true self. One great way to start moving away from caring so much about what others think (and to stop being a people-pleaser in need of validation) is to remind yourself of these 4 empowering truths.
Here are 4 ways to walk through life without needing validation:
1. Let go of other people’s opinions of you
Seriously, stop and think about it for a second: We actually can not control what others think of you. Humans cannot manipulate others’ brains. Want proof of that?
Have you ever picked out an outfit with the thought: "They’ll think I look so professional or hip if I wear this?” Sorry, but it doesn’t work. If it did, then when we walked into a room with 10 people, they’d all be thinking the same thought about us (“Look how hip Susie looks!"). Does that happen?
Uh, No! First of all, out of the 10 people, only 3-5 might even notice I walked into the room. Of those that do, one might like me because of the earrings I’m wearing, one might dislike me because I’m wearing earrings.
One might think I look nice because I remind her of her friend from high school, while another might instantly dislike me because I remind her of her mother-in-law. Maybe one person has the thought "Susie looks hip," but even that is doubtful. We have no control over others’ opinions of us, warriors. Let’s let it go.
Scientists acknowledge that we are not able to control the minds or behaviors of others or predict exactly what they will do in any given situation, because human behavior is complicated. The ease of our own responses can be misattributed to the actions of others, affecting which personal traits we attribute to them, meaning the same person can be perceived completely differently by two people in the same room.
2. Repeat this mantra: Other people’s opinions are not more important than yours
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It’s not your job to make sure other people’s needs and wants are met. Period. End of story. That’s part of their job in adulthood.
When we think another person’s thoughts and beliefs are more important than ours, we put our thoughts and beliefs on the back shelf. We tend to tell ourselves that it’s our job to make sure other people’s needs and wants are met. It is not.
It’s up to us to take care of us and them to take care of them. This is a big truth bomb as our society teaches us differently. We are consistently taught and told that we are responsible for others and their feelings. We are not. Why do we do this? Again, human nature.
We want to avoid the pain of someone having an unfavorable opinion of us, but the subconscious message we are sending to ourselves is that our thoughts and beliefs don’t matter.
We’re essentially telling ourselves that what someone else wants, feels, or needs is more important than what we want, feel, or need. The sooner you can shift and empower yourself to take care of your needs while letting others do the same for themselves, the deeper and more peaceful all of your relationships will actually be.
When we place inordinate value on relationships over personal independence, the never-ending pursuit of approval can result in a negative self-image, leaving us feeling unworthy, powerless, or resentful, research confirms. As adults, we have to take care of ourselves first, and setting healthy boundaries is essential for mental health and well-being.
3. Remember that it’s okay for someone to think negatively of you
This is a tough truth, but a true one. Not everyone is going to like you. Yes, even sunshine-y, wonderful you. But, wait a second, let’s be honest: Do you like everyone?
I mean, come on, we are all so different. We’re not all meant to like everyone. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them or that we have to spend time actively unliking them: it merely means they’re not for you.
The same goes for you. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s okay. Not everyone is going to agree with the decisions you make. Not everyone is going to agree with your point of view.
How often do you stop yourself from doing something because you think: "What if he’ll be mad?" or "What if she thinks that’s [boundaries, people pleasing, people pleaser] is rude?"
Consider this permission to stop that. If someone else is mad, that’s on them. Did you intentionally do something to tick someone off? Were you rude? If the answer is "no," then let them have their own opinion about you.
You are responsible for the intention in which you deliver your message, not how they receive it. We are so uncomfortable with someone else not being happy with us that we do almost anything to make them happy instead of sticking up for ourselves.
Instead of asking yourself, "Will she be mad?" or "Did he think that was rude?", the question to ask yourself is, "Am I proud of how I showed up?"
If you acted in a way that was in alignment with how you wanted to act, you can let them have their reaction and their opinion of you.
You gain confidence and power when you stop believing the thought that, "If someone is unhappy with me, that means I did something wrong." Nope. You are the barometer of you. Did you act in a way you’re proud of? Then move on.
Research shows that people naturally connect with some individuals while remaining distant from others, and this comes down to personality compatibility and similarity rather than anyone being inherently unlikable. People typically like us more than we think they do, suggesting we're often our own harshest critics when it comes to social acceptance.
4. Trust that other people aren't paying nearly as much attention to you as you think
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Sorry to break it to you, but other people aren’t spending nearly the same amount of time thinking about you as you think they are. That makes this probably the best truth of all. The fact that people don’t think of us as often as we think is freeing! It liberates us to be us!
I heard a great rule called the 20-40-60 rule. At age 20, we think everyone is watching us, thinking about us, and caring about what we do.
At age 40, we start to wonder if anyone is watching us, thinking about us, or if anyone cares what we do. At age 60, we don’t care if anyone is watching or thinking about us! Let’s live like 60-year-olds.
The next time you find yourself wondering what someone is thinking about something you said or did, please remind yourself of this rule. What do you think about what you did or said?
Do you know how freeing it feels to stop thinking about what others are thinking or doing? Whether they’re thinking about me or not? Liberating with a capital "L"!
So, when I allow others to think what they want about me, two beautiful things happen. First, I spend a lot less time and mental energy trying to read other people’s minds.
Second, I spend a lot more energy digging into my desires and my passions, which are the reason why I’m here on this planet. I feel better about myself and show up truthfully. If others want to think something about me, they can.
Psychologists have discovered that we tend to drastically overestimate how much attention other people pay to us. This phenomenon is called the spotlight effect, and it refers to our tendency to believe we have outstanding characteristics that people notice but actually don't.
If you’re ready to start your journey to empowerment, take one small step this week. Wear what you want to wear, write what you want to write, say what you want to say, do what you want to do. If you attune yourself to your core values, not only will you feel better, but you’ll also attract people who are your kind of people.
Susie Pettit is a mindfulness-based cognitive coach and podcast host. She coaches women to live a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.
