People Who Don’t Let Other People’s Judginess Get To Them Do These 7 Simple Things
evablancophotos | Canva We've all dealt with a judge-y friend at some point. That person who always seems to see the bad in everything. The person who is constantly complaining. The person who attempts to manipulate you to get what they want emotionally. The person who you feel like nothing is ever good enough for them.
Depending on who it is and where you are in your own development, it can be easy to get sucked into their negativity. You may start to feel overwhelmed and feel as if they're dragging you down.
The good news is that there are very effective ways to deal with these types of people that will take you from feeling like a doormat to a strong and empowered individual, and it begins with understanding how to deal with other people's judginess in your life.
People who don't let other people's judginess get to them do these simple things:
1. They figure out where the judginess is really coming from
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Think of it as a person being unfulfilled, and their inner child is coming out and screaming for attention. This shift in perception isn't only very real (after all, in psychology, nearly everything ties back to what we didn't receive as children), but it also helps those of us trying to deal with them.
Research on inner child psychology found that people who were criticized extensively as children often carry that wounded inner child into adulthood. When you're dealing with someone who's super critical, their behavior is basically their own unresolved childhood wounds showing up in how they treat others now.
So when you're trying to come up with ways to deal with this person, ask yourself, "If this person were a little kid, how would I act? What would I want them to learn and know?" Put yourself in the shoes of a parent, guardian, or just an adult. This isn't to sound or influence you to look at them condescendingly, but rather to recognize the reality that their inner child is wounded.
2. They set clear boundaries — and then stick to them
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We teach people how to treat us. Suppose you're a parent, guardian, or teacher. In that case, you should know that this is crucial to creating proper discipline and having a healthy parent-child, guardian-child, or teacher-student relationship.
So how can you set a boundary in your friendships and relationships? You can do this by simply making the person aware of what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable. Do this either through your words, your actions, or a mixture of both.
For instance, if someone is being rather negative and directing it at you with a non-constructive critical comment or a pessimistic attitude, you can say something like, "I don't appreciate your comment," "Can you please not talk to me like that? It makes me feel ____," or, "I don't feel like your comment is helpful to me right now. Can you please stop?"
Make it known that you don't really accept someone talking to you in this way. You may need or want to pair this with an action. Like distancing yourself from the person or not acknowledging them when they do talk.
As you normally would with a child, you may want to say, "Please don't talk to me like that. If you continue, then..." and state what you will do. Follow through with it if they break that boundary you set.
Learning to do this with very difficult people who don't have any sense of boundaries can feel very draining. You may also feel like they just don't "get it" and will never "get it." Know that it isn't your responsibility to teach them; they must learn this for themselves.
3. They step back when the judginess gets too intense
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Doing this will probably be difficult because you may feel guilty for not associating with this person very much. This is especially hard with friendships that have lasted years. However, remember that you need to do what is best for you.
You cannot create the life of your dreams if you don't focus on doing things for yourself first. By creating distance from the negative people in your life and surrounding yourself with more positive and like-minded people, you allow yourself to grow and receive the support you truly need.
To do this, it may involve taking some serious risks, like taking a new job or moving away. It's risky and can feel very scary, but if you feel and know deep down in your heart that it's what you need, then you will never regret it. Above all, focus on doing things for you and your needs. It's the first step that we can take to truly feel reconnected to ourselves and create the life of our dreams.
4. They remind themselves it's not personal
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While it can feel difficult not to take the criticisms of a friend personally, especially because this person is supposed to be someone you can rely on, you must resist allowing their comments to sink in. When someone gives you criticism, it's often way more about their own opinions and perspective than it is about you as a person, researchers argue. Remembering that criticism is just someone else's viewpoint and not a reflection of your actual worth can help you stay way less affected by what they say.
It's always best to be the bigger person and let things go. And while there is a limit to that emotional exercise, try not to take their criticism personally. Remember that it's not you who is causing their negativity. This person is unhappy with themselves, and it's not your job to fix that.
5. They pause before responding to anything
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If you feel someone is being overly critical of you, stop and take a breath before you react. A study from 2020 found that anger is a natural response to criticism, but that you have to take a moment to process what is happening to respond productively. When you pause, you're basically giving yourself a chance to calm down and think clearly instead of saying something you'll regret later. That breathing room helps you figure out if the criticism is even worth addressing or if it's just their negativity talking.
Plus, when you respond calmly instead of getting defensive, you're totally taking away their power to push your buttons and control the situation. So, instead of reacting immediately and viscerally, take a few seconds to sit with your feelings and thoughts. This way, you can articulate it to the person without furthering their negativity.
6. They stay silent instead of engaging
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Most of the time, overly critical people are looking for you to react. They want you to get upset and throw a fit. But another way to deal with critical people is not give them that satisfaction. Research on the grey rock method found that when you become totally boring and unresponsive to difficult people, they eventually lose interest because you're not giving them the emotional reaction they want. This works because of something called the extinction theory, where behaviors stop when they don't get reinforced anymore.
One way to stop a critical person in their tracks is to not give in to their bait. Instead, give a vague or boring response like, "I'll consider that," or "That is a point." A critical person won't know what to do with that, and it will shut them up instantly.
7. They limit contact or walk away completely
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Finally, if push comes to shove and none of these tactics work for you, it may just be time to cut that person out of your life. Ignore and avoid them, because they don't add anything to your life, and frustrate you or make you feel horrible. Eliminating toxic connections can seriously reduce your stress and improve your overall well-being, studies have revealed.
Cutting toxic people out lets you focus on healthier relationships and actually improves both your mental and physical health over time. You need to take care of your mental and emotional health before helping others, and if this critical person is getting to you, removing them from your life may be the best solution.
Jennifer Twardowski is a writer and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist. Her work has been featured in Huffington Post, Elephant Journal, and others.
