Highly Intelligent People Say 11 Clever Things When Someone Plays Devil's Advocate With Them
Daniel M Ernst | Shutterstock Few things are more annoying when you're trying to have a real conversation than someone coming in and trying to play devil's advocate. This is especially true when you're opening up and being vulnerable, and they argue someone else's side, claiming to be trying to help you.
Yes, the devil's advocate position can be helpful when problem-solving or thinking through different perspectives, especially in business, but it is only respectful when both parties consent to having a devil's advocate-type conversation. Otherwise, it comes across as controlling and even manipulative. Fortunately, intelligent people can prepare a few clever responses next time someone tries it with them.
Highly intelligent people say 11 clever things when someone plays devil's advocate with them
1. 'I'd prefer to hear your actual opinion on this'
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When people play devil's advocate, it's not always a reflection of their own opinions, they just find taking the opposing side to be a productive way to challenge someone's opinions and thoughts. In some ways, it can feel dishonest.
According to leadership speaker Bryce Hoffman, in a professional setting or at work, this mindset can be incredibly empowering, helping people to brainstorm and get creative with their problem-solving and critical thinking skills.
However, in personal relationships, being presented with alternative perspectives and opinions when you're only looking for support can be dismissive, invalidating, and spark resentment between partners.
By prompting someone like this, using one of the phrases highly intelligent people use when someone's playing devil's advocate, you can encourage someone to weigh in with their personal opinions without defensiveness or opposition.
Support and vulnerability look different for everyone, but it's important everyone feels heard and understood.
2. 'I know there are many sides, but that's not the conversation I'm having'
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While some of the good intentions behind playing devil's advocate can open up insightful conversations, in personal relationships and moments of vulnerability, it can feel like an attempt to discredit someone.
At times it may even feel manipulative, like it's intended to spark self-doubt in someone, like author and leadership expert Ruchika T. Malhotra explains. If others are listening, it's like the devil's advocate wants to undermine the speaker's point.
When someone claims they're trying to add depth to a conversation with external perspectives or "solutions" (especially when they don't match the devil's advocate's actual identity or experience) it can shut people down. And that's the opposite of opening up conversation to new ideas.
3. 'I'd appreciate if you could just hear me right now'
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Emotional support is key to a healthy relationship, whether as a friend, partner or in families. We're happiest when we have people around us that we can both trust and communicate with openly. People who make us feel safe to be vulnerable and open.
Whether it's providing a listening ear or offering up appropriate advice, nobody wants to hear someone playing devil's advocate. Especially when that means advocating for someone else's misguided perspective or beliefs, when all we're seeking is emotional support.
By reminding people of the kind of respect and trust you expect in a conversation, with appropriate boundaries or honest open communication, you can ensure that you surround yourself with people who empower, uplift, and celebrate your words, rather than combat them.
4. 'I'd love if you could hear my take, even if you don't agree'
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It's not just a distracted person that invalidates and dismisses our space in conversations, it can also be nonverbal body language behaviors and things like interruptions that take away from our ability to feel heard.
There are a multitude of reasons why people interrupt in conversations, from hyperactivity, to upholding a certain image, and even actively invalidating other people's space in a social situation.
However, it's not always inherently malicious. While it can be uncomfortable and sometimes awkward to respond to these moments with a phrase like this, it can ensure you're advocating for yourself when you need someone to emotionally support or listen to you.
A person's response to this phrase and boundary can be influential for a future relationship. If they're combative and defensive about playing devil's advocate, they likely hold value in the beliefs they're sharing, or don't care enough about uplifting your voice to make space. If they're apologetic, they likely respect and trust you more, opening themselves up to a more productive conversation.
5. 'Sometimes playing devil's advocate does more harm than good'
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While playing devil's advocate may just be challenging your perspective, encouraging you to consider multiple sides of a story or differing beliefs (all of which can be productive in the right situation), sometimes it does more harm than good. And it's perfectly OK to tell the devil's advocate that, directly.
When you speak directly and clearly about what you expect or how you feel, you give people an opportunity to change their behavior. How they react can tell you a lot about about their intentions. Someone who doesn't want to do harm will then stop playing devil's advocate or apologize.
The only way to really know this is to be direct and advocate for your right to talk about your emotions or perspectives without someone advocating for you. And you deserve to advocate for yourself, regardless.
6. 'Could you hold off on advocating for the other side for now?'
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Psychotherapist Pamela S. Willsey argues that setting boundaries in a close relationship can feel uncomfortable in certain situations, but practicing the skill can ensure everyone's needs are met. To protect yourself and a conversation from taking an unhealthy turn, a phrase like this can ensure that your needs are communicated — no matter how subtle or insignificant they may seem to someone who's actively dismissing them.
Someone playing devil's advocate may not even realize they're not supporting you by suggesting alternative perspectives, so encouraging them to address and acknowledge your specific needs and concerns can help them into a place where they're better equipped to love and support you.
7. 'What's your goal in bringing this up right now?'
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Sometimes people play devil's advocate to be helpful, not realizing how annoying and undermining it can be. That's why highly intelligent people often ask directly what the goal is.
By calling attention to phrases, body language, or perspectives in a conversation that doesn't feel productive or supportive, you offer an opportunity for both people participating to grow and evolve together, into a space where everyone feels more respected and heard.
Sometimes people don't realize they're being rude or unkind. Other times, they think you won't catch on to what they're doing. Either way, addressing it directly solves a number of problems all at once. They either gain empathy for your experience or they know they've been caught being obnoxious and that you'll hold them responsible for it.
8. 'I hear you, but I'm honestly not looking for perspective right now'
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Oftentimes, when you question someone's intentions for playing devil's advocate, they'll reply with something like, "I'm just trying to help you see different perspectives." This reply opens up a perfect opportunity to simply say, "I'm not looking for perspective right now."
By encouraging them to simply support you and your needs in that present moment, you remove the solution-oriented pressure they may feel to solve or fix your discomfort, hurt, or struggle. Rather than growing irritable or ending a conversation, it's healthier ask them for what you need. That way you can avoid misunderstandings that arise from assuming people should know what you need or what they should stop doing, like playing devil's advocate.
Oftentimes, the resentment that grows in relationships of all kinds is simply a consequence of miscommunication. For example, parents giving their adult children unsolicited advice or partners trying to "solve" our emotional struggles without listening and hearing.
9. 'I don't want to be challenged today, I need to be heard'
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While the phrase "devil's advocate" has the power to evoke anxious feelings, sometimes it can actually lead to healthier conversations and connections in some cases. Especially when working towards a shared goal, using devil's advocate arguments to introduce new perspectives and challenge existing beliefs can encourage deeper thought and problem-solving. But this involves an element of consent, where everyone knows that's the goal.
However, on a more personal level, challenging someone's innate emotions and feelings isn't doing anyone any favors; in fact, it's more invalidating and dismissive than someone playing devil's advocate in a professional setting like the workplace would be.
By using a phrase like "I appreciate it, but I need a listening ear today," you can simultaneously appreciate someone's good intentions of trying to bring perspective to a conversation, while also expressing your needs. Truly healthy communication, especially in an existing relationship, is founded on active listening, the kind of support we all need and are deserving of.
10. 'I'd appreciate if you'd hear my point all the way through'
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Occasionally, someone playing devil's advocate is utilizing the strategy to plant seeds of doubt in people they don't agree with or are trying to assert misguided superiority over. By using a phrase like this to express confidence and self-assuredness, you set a boundary without having to confront someone's manipulation.
Instead of focusing on their tactics, you bring attention back to your own confidence, reminding them that you won't be swayed by someone intending to spark anxiety or insecurity in you. You also bring attention to the fact that you're not going to tolerate being interrupted or egged into debate.
Like Charlan Nemeth explains in their book In Defense of Troublemakers, there's power in speaking out against the majority or challenging the status quo. But in a passing social interaction or with a partner, it's important to be empathetic and still support, listen to, and appreciate another person's opinions and perspectives, even if they're not the same as yours.
11. 'Can we come back to the main issue?'
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According to psychologist and researcher Jeremy Sutton, PhD, the key to a productive conversation lies in the ability for both people to empathetically listen. That's why interruptions and tangents can make it so hard for people to have a conversation where they disagree without everything falling apart.
If the person you're speaking to genuinely has your best interest in mind, they won't feel a need to continue playing devil's advocate at the expense of your well-being. Everyone deserves to feel heard and supported in vulnerable conversations, not criticized and challenged.
One of the best ways to keep them from doing this is to say, "Can we get back to the main issue?" If that person cares about you at all, they'll understand and stop trying to control the conversation by being a devil's advocate.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
