11 Sly Phrases Tricky People Use To Make You Think They're Listening When They Couldn't Care Less
Gpointstudio | Shutterstock Everyone wants to be heard and understood. In fact, when people don't feel understood, scientists can actually see differences in their brains. It's part of being human! That's why it's easy to fall for tricky people when they use sneaky phrases that make it sound like they're listening. In reality, they couldn't care less.
In order to tell the difference, you need to be on the lookout for not just these shallow affirmations that don't actually offer any insight or support. You also need to watch how they say these sly phrases, and what they do before an after. Only then can you decide if this person actually has your best interests at heart.
11 sly phrases tricky people use to make you think they're listening when they couldn't care less
1. 'I see where you're coming from'
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Using the phrase "I see where you're coming from" is one of the sly phrases used by people pretending to care when they aren't actually listening. They seem attentive, but they're not actually processing what's being said.
As career and life management consultant Ruth Schimel points out, "Listening is a powerful skill that benefits from your self-awareness and practice." She further explained, "Showing the person you're talking with that you're actively engaged in the conversation starts with a practice called attending behavior."
Attending behavior shows that you're actually connecting to your conversation partner with encouraging statements, open body language, and paraphrasing what's being said before offering a response. "Make sure your responses closely relate to what the other person is saying," Schimel advised. "This shows that you are willing to stay on the speaker's path and are truly listening."
2. 'It sounds like there's a lot on your plate'
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Some of the most effective phrases tricky people use when they're not listening but pretending to care are neutral and non-committal, like, "It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate." This phrase acknowledges something's going on without being specific enough to really help.
The phrase is an example of fake listening, which occurs when people pretend to be engaged by offering generic responses. According to Kyle D. Killian PhD, LMFT, "Fake listening is a contradiction where we gesture to a presence during a profound absence." In contrast, "authentic listening is attending to the thoughts and emotions laying just below the words."
"It sounds like there's a lot on your plate" is a statement that's vague enough to sound compassionate, even though they're not putting much emotional energy toward listening.
3. 'That's one way to look at it'
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Sly people use the phrase "That's one way to look at it" when they're not listening but don't want to admit it. They don't want to go any deeper into the conversation, but they still need to acknowledge what the other person is saying.
This is a type of selective listening that plays on the vulnerabilities of someone who just wants to be heard.
According to experts from Maryville University, "Selective listening is like listening with a highlighter. Instead of considering the totality of the speaker's message, selective listeners only pay attention to the parts they think are most relevant to them."
"Inattentive listeners don't give speakers their full attention," they explained. "They're often distracted and focused on other things, which can mean missing most of what the speaker is saying."
"Communication is not a one-way street," they add. "Good listeners show interest, ask open-ended questions, and acknowledge what's being said. This helps reduce misunderstandings and builds stronger relationships."
4. 'Thanks for sharing that with me'
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When sly people are pretending to care without actually listening, they may say "Thanks for sharing that with me." The phrase hides how inattentive they are behind a mask of kindness. It's an example of false gratitude, because their underlying emotion is indifference, and not careful consideration.
Gratitude is the gift of being present and expressing appreciation for another person's presence. Yet simply saying "thank you" when someone shares what they're going through dismisses their emotions, rather than affirming them.
Of course, this can be helpful when someone feels like a burden sharing, otherwise you should be on alert that this phrase means they don't care that very much.
5. 'You're doing the best you can'
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"You're doing the best you can" is a fairly generic phrase, but it's meant to convey genuine concern. When people aren't listening but pretending to care, they want to seem like they're invested, even if they don't have the capacity. That's why they may try
According to professor of educational leadership and policy studies, Suzanne Rice, it's not always such a bad thing to not listen, especially in education. Sometimes, not listening is a necessity.
"There isn't a recipe for good listening," she explained. "It has many, many forms, and one of those forms isn't even listening. It's pretending to listen. No one can listen all the time, to everything that is said, nor should one want to."
Using the phrase "You're doing the best you can," is a sly way to seem like a supportive listener. That's why you need to watch out for those people, they may not actually be listening!
6. 'That must have been really hard for you'
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Yet another sly phrase tricky use when they're not listening is "that must have been really hard for you." When they say it, it usually comes off as more empathetic than it really is. The phrase is rooted in kindness, but it doesn't always indicate genuine empathy.
Here's the saving grace of this situation. Experts say you can't fake empathy because empathy requires connection. That's why, when someone slyly uses a phrase like this, you should trust your gut on whether they're being authentic. Are they really connected? When you look at their face, can you see they're engaged?
These things matter. Not just for this phrase, but for all the others on this list, too.
7. 'That's totally understandable'
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"That's totally understandable" is a phrase tricky people use, just like the others, to mimic caring when they don't. It seems like a sensitive response, but really, it's a way for them to fill the empty space in the conversation without expending too much brainpower.
The phrase functions more like a signal than anything else. Using the phrase gives brilliant people some breathing room, especially when they're confronted with difficult topics they don't really care about. It pushes the person speaking to keep going, and saves the listener from having to do any emotional deep-diving.
8. 'It makes sense to feel that way'
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The phrase "It makes sense to feel that way" is essentially surface-level validation, in that it acknowledges how the other person feels without engaging on a deeper level.
9. 'You're clearly dealing with a lot right now'
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If someone says to you, "you're clearly dealing with a lot right now" there are a few ways it can go. First, they're being empathetic and you really are going through a lot right now. Second, they're pretending to listen to you (and you might no like this part, sorry!) and you've been complaining.
This phrase is effective either way. It allows people to recognize what the other person is going through without making any more emotional commitment than that. It's an acknowledgement, not an offer to help.
It's supportive without going above and beyond. And you know what? That's OK sometimes! Just make sure the person using this phrase with you actually has your back before telling them anything else that feels personal.
10. 'You've been through so much'
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When brilliant people are pretending to care but not really listening, they use the phrase "You've been through so much." It's a blanket statement that makes them seem more understanding than they actually are. The phrase allows them to extend the slightest amount of emotional support in the most generic way.
They don't want to get invested in what the other person is experiencing, but they don't want to appear callous or cruel. Using this phrase helps them save face and put up an empathic front, even though they don't really care.
Again, to know how genuine this person is being, you have to look at their body language and what they've said before and after this tricky phrase.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a staff writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
11. I understand that you feel that way
This is a tricky phrase used by HR departments and partners who've read a lot of self-help books, so if it triggers you to hear it, you've probably heard it more than once!
The phrase "I understand that you feel that way" sounds very similar to the very affirming "I understand why you would feel that way" but they're different. The first one basically says, "I heard you say that" while the second one says, "I empathize with why you're feeling how you do, and it makes sense."
The first one is designed to shut down conversation and the second one is designed for connection and empathy. It may even be used as part of a very authentic apology.
So, when you're talking with someone and you don't feel fully secure, pay attention to these little differences in words and phrasing. They make a big difference.
