4 Ways People With Low Self-Esteem Sabotage Their Relationships Without Even Realizing
You can't fake authentic self-esteem, no matter how great you are at pretending.
Monstera Production | Canva Few people have extremely awful self-esteem or amazing self-esteem. The vast majority of us fall somewhere in the middle, meaning we have some emotional issues, but we feel mostly OK enough with who we are.
If you have low or lowish self-esteem, you probably sabotage relationships by not believing you're an appealing package for someone to date. When you feel insecure or stressed, low self-esteem often causes you to engage in any of the following behaviors, each of which will quickly sink any relationship.
Four ways people with low self-esteem sabotage relationships without realizing it:
1. They get too needy or clingy
Perhaps no behavior turns off others quite like neediness. Not genuine needs, not the ones all humans require having met in relationships, but the ones that turn us desperate.
Men and women understandably get turned off by extreme clinginess or neediness, because they are looking for an equal and a romantic partner. They aren't looking to take care of someone else as if that individual were a child or a client. Men and women want someone who complements their life, not someone who drains their energy.
If you have a habit of getting too clingy or needy, make a concerted effort to make a new friend or two so you don't burn out the person you're dating. Try reaching out to a co-worker or ask an acquaintance to go for lunch or dinner.
Focusing on activities that absorb some of your mental energy helps, too, by taking the focus off your significant other and balancing it with other things. Join a book club or, at least, pick up a couple of new books each month; try an exercise or dance video, or write in a journal about some goals you would like to achieve in the next six months.
2. Their jealous streak keeps coming out
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Jealousy and low self-esteem often go together. It makes sense, too, if you think about it: If you don't believe you're awesome, you're going to fear you'll lose your significant other to someone else. Jealousy is awful, but we all feel it from time to time.
To kick your jealous streak to the curb, first admit you have an unhealthy jealousy streak. Mention to a friend or two that you are working on becoming less jealous (so you are making a verbal contract of sorts). Come up with one simple sentence you can chant to yourself when your jealous streak gets triggered:
- "I am going to distract myself with something else, because I won’t let my jealousy take over."
- "I need to take a step back so my jealousy doesn't overpower me."
3. They start fearing the person they're dating isn't attracted to them
If you struggle with low self-esteem, fears about attraction can overwhelm you. Were they ever really attracted to me? Are they as attracted to me as they were to their ex? What if they were attracted to me once, but not anymore? Doesn't it seem like they avoid intimacy lately?
Simply put, these fears stem from low self-esteem issues, and they can quickly destroy a romantic relationship.
Remind yourself that your significant other could leave the relationship at any time, which means they still want to be with you now. Are you the perfect manifestation of their dreams and ideals? Probably not, and you don’t have to be.
If there are major performance issues in the bedroom, talk to a professional. Otherwise, stop things and move on to an activity that distracts you.
4. They need their significant other to constantly reassure them
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Healthy individuals are looking for an equal and a companion, while some unhealthy individuals are looking for a proxy parent. Why? Because they didn't get enough attention, love, or consistency when they were young.
As adults, these individuals are terribly insecure, and they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop in a relationship. They don't like being alone, and they feel too dependent for their good. If you are someone with low self-esteem, make sure to ask yourself the following questions.
Do I ask for a lot of reassurance? When I am upset, do I usually look to my partner to soothe me, or do I try to soothe myself? Does my partner feel like there's nothing they can say that will ever satisfy my need for reassurance? Do I need frequent reminders that I am attractive?
If your answer to any of these questions is "yes," you need to take a step back and start doing some work to improve your self-esteem. Join an extracurricular activity to improve your self-esteem, and read about self-esteem boosters to get motivated.
If you frequently feel bad about who you are, please be careful in romantic relationships. If you don't check your behavior, you could damage your relationship.
eHarmony is a YourTango contributor with a focus on love and relationships.
