If You Notice These 5 Behaviors, Someone’s Taking Their Perfectionism Out On You
Don't let unrealistic expectations hurt you.
Krakenimages.com / Shutterstock Most people would argue that being a high achiever is a good quality, but certain behaviors of other-oriented perfectionism can affect relationships with others. It's one thing when someone's standards only impact their own life, but when nothing ever seems to be good enough as it relates to the people around them, well, let's just say it isn't always easy. Chances are, they’re projecting their perfectionism onto you.
Perfectionists often expect others to meet their own high standards, and when something doesn’t align with their expectations, they’re quick to point it out. If you're unsure if your highly critical loved one is offering guidance or just a perfectionist in disguise, you need to watch out for these behaviors that indicate they're trying to put their exacting standards on you.
If you notice these 5 behaviors, someone is taking their perfectionism out on you:
1. They only accept perfection
This one goes without saying. In a nutshell, you have to be perfect to satisfy a perfectionist, and that is an impossible task.
Writing for VeryWellMind, Dr. Elizabeth Scott explained that perfectionists have an "all-or-nothing" mentality. What that means is, "a perfectionist will accept nothing less than perfection. 'Almost perfect' is seen as a failure." The sad reality is that you will never satisfy their threshold of perfection and will only hurt yourself in the process. That can take a toll on your self-esteem if you don't acknowledge that your inability to satisfy a perfectionist is not because you are lacking in some way. There is literally no way to satisfy a perfectionist. They can't even satisfy themselves.
2. They set unrealistic standards
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A great way to tell if someone is using their perfectionism against you is if they place standards on you that are nearly impossible to reach. The reason is simple. They do not actually want you to succeed because falling short gives them a reason to criticize. Dr. Scott explained that “perfectionists often set their initial goals out of reach.”
The perfectionists you love might not be trying to stress you out with their exacting standards, however. Dimitrios Tsatiris, M.D., explained, "many perfectionists fail to recognize how their perfectionism negatively impacts those around them. In other-oriented perfectionism, one sets excessively high expectations for others and provides strict criticism when the expectations are not met. Examples of other-oriented perfectionism include a parent with perfectionist tendencies expecting perfect grades from their child or constantly expecting everyone in a household to keep the house spotless."
Unfortunately, whether they intend to stress you out or not, these unrealistic standards will eventually hurt you and your relationship with the perfectionist. You should never have to walk on eggshells around a loved one. If you're feeling stressed by their demands and starting to doubt your own abilities, it's time to have a serious conversation with the person making you feel that way.
3. They get angry over the little things
If you misspell a word in a work paper or arrive a few minutes late, perfectionists can become overly upset. They tend to react strongly even to the smallest mistakes that most people commonly make. Mental performance coach Eli Straw explained, "Perfectionists have very black and white thinking. Therefore, we are either perfect or we aren’t. Any mistake points us to the latter, indicating we are, in fact, not perfect, and so we are not deserving of feeling confident or prepared to perform." That black and white thinking translates to the people in their lives, as well. Straw added that perfectionists tend to "catastrophize any mistake," and that can mean responding with negativity and anger.
Dr. Jeremy Sutton, a psychologist, wrote for Positive Psychology that “perfectionists at work and in school settings often set overly strict standards for themselves and others, leading to too much time measuring and assessing, and resulting in delays and missed deadlines.” Basically, perfectionists get so caught up in the details and so angry at themselves and others over mistakes that they end up barely getting anything done in the process. It creates a vicious cycle where even trying becomes overwhelming in many cases. That results in more anger and lashing out at loved ones.
4. They procrastinate but expect you to pick up the slack
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Let’s say you live with a perfectionist. You're going to work on their day off and ask if they could cook a meal for you on your way back. When you get home, nothing has been made, and the perfectionist has not done anything. Why, you may ask? As odd as it may seem, perfectionists often procrastinate. Guess who is left picking up the slack?
The reason is that they want everything they do to be perfect, and just the thought of being unable to meet that standard can paralyze them into inaction. For that reason, they delay tasks. The Cleveland Clinic wrote that it's a red flag when perfectionism prevents someone from completing everyday tasks and causes them to develop a scarcity mindset. If you find yourself doing more than your share and still getting criticized, it might be time to have a serious sit-down with the perfectionist in your life.
5. They don't ask for help
You might be asking: Well, how is this a problem? Dr. Esmarilda Dankaert explained it perfectly: "Because perfectionists like to portray the image of 'perfection,' they find it very difficult, sometimes even impossible, to ask for help, regardless of whether this need is emotional, physical, mental, or financial." If you love a perfectionist, it can feel incredibly frustrating to watch them suffer without being able to even offer emotional support.
Help is often viewed as a shortcoming, and perfectionists will internalize help with failure. What they fail to realize, as music teacher and former perfectionist Laurel Sanders explained, "is that accepting someone’s help builds a stronger relationship with that person. It’s often called the Ben Franklin effect; a person who has done you a favor will have a more positive opinion of you afterwards, even more so than if you had been the one to do them a favor!" Essentially, helping loved ones makes your relationships stronger.
Sure, it can be a burden to have someone criticize everything you do, get angry at you, procrastinate, and not ask for help, but it's important to recognize these behaviors for what they are: a byproduct of perfectionism. While it's important to let a perfectionist know not to project their expectations onto you, it's also important to let them know that they can and should strive to better themselves and give themselves the opportunity to heal. Offer them resources and the opportunity for redemption.
Matt Machado is a writer studying journalism at the University of Central Florida. He covers relationships, psychology, celebrities, pop culture, and human interest topics.
