Women Who Are Called 'Difficult' As They Get Older Usually Just See Through These 11 Behaviors
They refuse to be agreeable simply to make other people comfortable.
sivilla | Shutterstock In various aspects of life, from the workplace to personal relationships, women are often perceived as more rude or "difficult" than their male counterparts for engaging in the same kinds of behavior. According to a study from the Psychological Science journal, there's an unsettling link between perceptions of rudeness and gender biases, often tilted to harm and discourage women from being anything less than agreeable.
Women who are called "difficult" as they get older usually just see through these behaviors in conversations and interactions that are clearly tailored to favor men, their superiority, and even their assertiveness. They're actively unlearning the lessons — like being agreeable, quiet, and posh — that they were taught as young girls, and crafting a life that's focused on their personal needs, boundaries, and priorities.
Here are 11 behaviors women who are called 'difficult' as they get older usually just see through
1. Gaslighting
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Typically intended to spark self-doubt and compliance in others, gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation that women who are called "difficult" as they get older no longer tolerate. As adults, they've likely experienced a growth in self-esteem and identity, so the tactics — like weaponizing insecurities — that gaslighters use to get their way are no longer effective manipulation strategies.
In the face of people who regularly gaslight women into getting what they want, of course their tendency to see through the ruse of manipulation is going to be aggregating, causing them to paint women as "difficult" when, in reality, they're just self-assured and outspoken.
2. Expectations of emotional labor
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According to a study from Frontiers in Psychology, women tend to engage in more emotional labor — in their professional lives as leaders and co-workers, but also in their personal lives and relationships.
Whether it's regulating their own emotions to facilitate better conversations or attending to the needs and emotions of others over their own, they often pick up the slack in fostering healthier emotional interactions, especially compared to their male counterparts.
Of course, on top of the literal household responsibilities and work they're already responsible for — at higher rates than male partners and peers, according to surveys from Pew Research Center — it's not surprising that confident and self-assured women tend to see through these expectations with age. They're no longer willing to blindly accept this extra work at the expense of their personal well-being and self-esteem.
3. Double standards
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Whether it's success in the workplace, emotional labor and responsibilities in a relationship, or societal expectations around parenting and marriage, women who are called "difficult" as they get older usually just see through these behaviors. Double standards and patriarchal beliefs are ingrained in our society, but individual women have the power to lead a life outside of their life — at least when it comes to challenging them on a personal level.
Even though it's often uncomfortable to peers who have found security, comfort, or safety within these norms, they're willing to adopt labels like "being rude" or "being difficult" if it means putting their own well-being and self-worth first.
4. Being dismissed
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Whether it's being interrupted in a work meeting, dismissed in a professional setting, or consistently overlooked when expressing needs in a personal relationship, women who are called "difficult" just don't tolerate situations and people that don't give them important space to feel heard.
Being dismissed is one of the behaviors they don't overlook. If that means walking away from a relationship, setting boundaries at work, or expressing their needs in sometimes uncomfortable ways, they're willing to do so.
5. Pressure to people-please
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Many women were taught to people-please to protect other people's comfort and emotions from a young age, according to experts from the Connolly Counselling Centre, in ways that are often rooted in toxic gender norms and biases.
In adulthood, many women who grow into self-esteem and identities of their own often stray away from these rigid expectations, putting their own needs and priorities ahead of pressures to people-please and take on emotional labor.
They're okay with being called "difficult" when they say "no" and even "rude" when they're simply embodying the same kind of assertiveness that their male counterparts are celebrated for.
6. Inefficiency
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Part of the reason why "difficult" women also make the best leaders is because they embody the kind of traits that are celebrated in traditional institutions like the workplace, even if they're personally criticized on the basis of gender norms. From confidence, to assertiveness, and critical-thinking, they don't tolerate inefficiency in themselves or the people around them.
While the role of a leader may be more demanding for women in our society, like a study from the Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization suggests, their high performance is rooted in their distaste for inefficiency and passiveness.
7. Over-apologizing
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In the same vein as people-pleasing, many women who are labelled as "difficult" in our culture actually just see through pressures to over-apologize. Whether it's rooted in teacher relationships, their parents' modeled behavior, or societal double standards from their relationships with men, young girls are taught to apologize for the same behaviors and mentalities that men are celebrated for.
So, of course, for self-assured and confident adult women, it's going to be one of the behaviors that they refuse to tolerate for their own sake later in life.
8. Toxic positivity
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While they might have been taught to people-please and embody a kind of fake kindness to protect the comfort of others from a young age, women who are called "difficult" as they get older usually just see through these behaviors. They're no longer "fake nice" to people who don't deserve it and they certainly don't appreciate being pressured to suppress their thoughts, opinions, and assertiveness for others.
According to psychologist Mark Travers, even if it seems unsuspecting, fake positivity can urge people to suppress their true emotions, craft unrealistic beliefs about connection, and adopt an aura of inauthenticity that negatively affects personal and social well-being.
9. Entitlement
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According to a study from the Journal of Management Development, intelligent and competent women often thrive when they're most assertive and confident — two traits that also encourage certain men and people comfortable with societal norms to criticize them. They have to work twice as hard to succeed, both in their personal and professional lives, because the traits that earn them success also earn them unnecessary judgment.
That's part of the reason why women who are called "difficult" as they get older usually just see through entitlement in their peers. Everyone else believes they're worthy of something simply because of their gender, their appearance, or their status, while they work hard to achieve their goals and success.
10. Unsolicited advice
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According to a study published in Psychological Science, women are often left feeling less confident, heard, and valued after conversations with someone offering unsolicited and unprompted advice. Rather than having space to express themselves and seek emotional support, they're left feeling dismissed by "solutions" to their problems that they never asked for in the first place.
Women who are called "difficult" as they get older may just be calling this behavior out, urging people to set aside their ego and superiority and listen, rather than trying to solve everything. These women are perfectly capable of handling their own issues and solving problems, so "mansplaining" and unsolicited advice can feel dehumanizing and boldly misguided.
11. Being attacked for being direct
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According to philanthropist Sheryl Sandberg, the key to success for women in the workplace isn't to adopt a "sweet" and agreeable attitude, but rather frame their confidence and need for self-respect in an assertive and direct manner. Even in their personal lives, women who are direct and say what they feel often boast better healthy relationships, yet they're often criticized for not following the social expectations of women in their culture.
Women who are called "difficult" as they get older usually just see through these behaviors. They're willing to be direct, assertive, confident, and expressive, even if it threatens people who feel most comfortable when women adopt submissive, inferior, and quiet behaviors.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
