You Can Tell How Miserable Someone Is By 10 Things They Care About Way Too Much
Bits And Splits | Shutterstock Is "sadder, but wiser" real? Experts suggest there's some validity to the claim.
It's often the most miserable people who are spending tons of time in their own heads, observing social behavior and taking on a less filtered, more realistic view of the world. In fact, you can usually tell how miserable someone is by the things they care about way too much. They might not be the reason why they're sad or miserable, but they surely don't help to break any cycles.
You can tell how miserable someone is by 10 things they care about way too much
1. Observing group dynamics
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Noticing who likes them and feeling like an outsider, while being forced to observe the people around them, are all things that miserable people cling to. They're used to believing that they're not wanted or invited to join in conversations, so they watch from the sidelines, often grappling with a lot of loneliness or sadness.
Even for introverts, who tend to adopt this outsider behavior by nature, it can be a risk factor for depression when it's not balanced with intentional social engagement. It's clear they care about observing people and getting a sense for where they fit instead of just showing up as themselves and letting what's meant for them find them.
2. Finding someone to blame
Whether it's turning to other people or even themselves to pass off blame, it's usually the most miserable person who needs to close the loop. They can't forgive and let things go to help their mental health, but instead get caught up in seeking closure or finding someone to pass the blame to so they can feel externally validated or assured.
When you let go of something, you heal, whether the situation and person deserve forgiveness or not. It's an act of self-love and care, rather than staying stuck in a miserable cycle where your own mood and well-being are constantly predicted by how other people show up.
3. What's happening on their phone
Whether it's literally being distracted and drained by notifications on their phones every five seconds or going deeper on social media, chronically miserable people are often beholden to their devices. They need to know what's happening, or they feel left out. They need validation, or they feel worthless.
Their sense of self-esteem is fickle because it comes from either seeking attention by posting online or distracting themselves from feeling honest emotions by leveraging technology stimulation as a misguided coping mechanism.
4. Whatever they're most worried about
Miserable people are inherently pessimistic, focusing only on imagining the worst-case scenarios and everything they're missing in life. Instead of appreciating what they have and being hopeful, they're stuck in a spiral of negativity that harms every aspect of their lives.
While suppressing all your complex emotions to run from them is rarely healthy, experts from the University of Cambridge do argue that occasionally pushing away some of these unnecessary, negative thoughts can actually be better for your mental health than ruminating. Especially right at the start of the day or in stressful moments, not every bad thought has to live in your mind.
5. Proving their work ethic
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Most truly hard-working people value their work ethic, not by external praise but by internal self-worth and intention. When they put effort into something or say "yes" to a task, it's to do their best, not to showcase how far they're willing to push themselves.
Despite living in a culture that normalizes burnout and overworking yourself, the happiest people set their boundaries. They don't sacrifice sleep and rest. They prioritize their work-life balance. They are careful with how and what they invest their energy into.
6. Gossip about other people
Miserable people often focus too much on draining habits and external validation to build truly interesting, authentic lives. The most interesting thing about them is what they know about everyone else, which is why they care way too much about the newest rumor or gossip story. They need something interesting to bring to conversations, so they're not constantly admitting that they're looking for attention.
While gossiping about people, usually without any malicious intent, can sometimes bond people closer together, when it's rooted in negative judgment and secrecy, it only keeps people stuck in a loop of negativity.
7. Seeking comfort and convenience
Our convenience culture is making us more selfish and miserable every single day. We're missing out on the discomfort that actually prompts personal growth on a daily basis. However, most people are also more miserable, needing instant gratification and constant stimulation to feel somewhat secure.
Their alone time feels scary. Meeting new people and trying new things feels impossible. They end up feeling stuck in a life they hate, without any tools or purpose to get out.
8. Being the victim
Even when they're the ones hurting other people or making mistakes, the most miserable people live in a chronic victim mentality. They need to seek the pity of others, and because their entire sense of identity and self-worth is often tied up in how other people view them, they'll do whatever it takes to seek it out.
They don't have the emotional intelligence or inner security to take accountability and own up to mistakes, so they invalidate others and run from discomfort every day. They're stuck in a cycle of dishonesty and inner turmoil, all because they're running from the truth.
9. Preparing for the worst
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Our brains are naturally wired toward negativity as a survival mechanism. We want to be prepared for the worst, in case it happens, so we often worry about worst-case scenarios and take on unnecessary anxiety about things that are entirely out of our control. However, not being able to look at the bigger picture and consciously choose joy is what keeps unhappy, anxious people stuck.
They can't break the cycle of these negative thinking patterns, so they stay looped into it. Unfortunately, it's this care about worrying, and their chronic negativity that ultimately puts them at risk for depression, memory loss, and brain dysfunction.
10. Being right
We protect our health and well-being by resolving conflicts on the same team, rather than trying to win or compete with other people. Even in relationships, arguing about mistakes and frustrations, the healthiest, happiest couples work together to support and solve these issues.
On the other hand, miserable people worry about winning. They need to be correct. They need to feel superior and in control. They rarely put their ego to the side, because it's almost completely tied up in these moments of winning that ultimately push them away from everyone else.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
