11 Insults That Are So Polite That People Say ‘Thank You’ Before They Realize What’s Happening
GaudiLab / Shutterstock Some people have mastered the art of making snide comments without being obviously insulting in a way that wouldn’t be socially acceptable. These smaller insults that are hard to identify at times are sometimes called microaggressions, and no one wants to be on the receiving end of them.
Most of us would probably assume we’re smart enough to recognize when we’re being insulted, but these microaggressions can be so subtle that they almost sound nice. You might even thank the other person before the full weight of what they really said hits you. These are some insults to look out for the next time you’re with a frenemy who seems to be acting a little too sweet.
Here are 11 insults that are so polite that people say ‘thank you’ before they realize what’s happening
1. ‘It’s great that you don’t worry about what people think’
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This is a pretty lethal option because it does sound nice on the surface. After all, not caring about other people’s opinions is usually considered a good thing. But someone could say this not to praise your individuality, but to imply you might actually want to take what others think into account a bit more.
Insults are designed to catch you off guard by nature, so it’s completely normal not to have a good reply ready to go. Psychologist Kerry Broome explained that the part of your brain that should give you a great comeback isn’t working properly because it’s “nervous and sensing a threat.”
Even if you initially thank someone because it sounded like they were saying something nice, it can be tempting to go back after the fact and confront them. Honestly, unless there’s a serious reason to do so, it’s probably better to just let it go.
2. ‘That’s so brave’
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It would be understandable if you mixed this one up because we all want to be brave. People rarely say this as a way to actually tell you they admire how courageous you are, though. It’s more likely that you did something they think you shouldn’t have, and they’ve labeled it brave to quietly express their disapproval.
As humans, it’s in our nature to seek others’ approval to some extent, and that may be why someone calls you brave instead of just saying they think you shouldn’t have done something in the first place. But looking for approval means you want other people to accept you because you probably haven’t accepted yourself yet. It’s always better to please yourself than to please others.
3. ‘Your glow up will be amazing’
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For those who aren’t familiar with the term, Merriam-Webster defined a glow-up as “a usually dramatic enhancement especially to someone’s or something’s physical appearance.” Of course, it’s also possible to go through glow-ups related to your mental health, career, finances, or pretty much any other aspect of life.
If someone said you have an incredible glow-up coming, it would sound sweet, but they’re really just pointing out that there’s a reason you need to improve. Part of showing people love and respect is accepting them for who they are and where they’re at right now instead of impatiently waiting for them to get better somehow. Anyone who says this doesn’t really care about you.
4. ‘It’s a good thing that you’re pretty’
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Society values beauty above almost everything else, so we’re all pretty conditioned to feel like being complimented on our appearance is a big deal, even if we try to look past such superficial things. That could make it easy to miss the full meaning of this statement. Someone isn’t just saying you’re pretty; they’re also saying that’s pretty much all you have going for you.
Looking attractive actually has much more to do with the way you perceive yourself and how confident you are than many people realize. In an article published in the journal Facial Plastic Surgery and Aesthetic Medicine, Dr. Steven H. Dayan said, “The better a person feels, the more likely he or she is to project a positive and attractive impression … The bottom line is: if you think you are beautiful, you are.”
So, if someone tells you that “it’s a good thing that you’re pretty,” they probably didn’t mean it in a very nice way, but you could still choose to take it as a compliment. If they recognize your beauty, there’s a good chance they can see your other good qualities too, even if they choose to ignore them.
5. ‘I wish people didn’t have expectations of me either’
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This one can feel pretty hurtful. It’s basically a less problematic way to tell someone that no one has high hopes for them because they aren’t really known for delivering. Making that sound enviable simultaneously confuses the situation and makes the comment cut a little deeper.
When someone hurts your feelings like that, many of us instinctively try to just forget that it ever happened. It can feel safer and more comfortable not to fully feel and process certain emotions. That puts you at a greater risk for developing physical and mental health problems, though, so it’s good to confront the fact that someone hurt you, even if you really don’t want to.
6. ‘It’s hard to underestimate you’
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“Underestimate” isn’t a particularly complicated word, but it can feel like one of those big, sophisticated-sounding words when it’s just thrown at you unexpectedly. That makes it easy to think that someone just said something really nice about you, but they really meant the opposite.
If someone underestimates you, it means they’re doubting your ability to do something. That makes it seem like it would be a good thing to not be underestimated, but someone else saying people can’t underestimate you brings up a lot of questions about how they view your potential and the ways you’ve proved yourself in the past.
7. ‘Have the day you deserve’
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This could be a good thing if you feel like you deserve to have a good day. But, more often than not, someone going out of their way to give you well wishes for the rest of your day in this way means that they don’t actually think you deserve a pleasant one.
In this case, the other person is probably being too judgmental. Being judgmental isn’t always a bad thing because we all need to think that way sometimes, but it can be too much when it leads to excessive criticism. That’s a sign that it’s time to shut down the conversation or change the subject.
8. ‘You look really smart’
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This statement sounds so polite that it would be hard to untangle how it might actually be insulting. Most people would hear that and think the other person is actually saying they’re smart, but that’s not true. Instead, they really said something equivalent to, “You’re not that bright, but it’s OK, because no one will notice.”
This is a super condescending attitude for someone to have. They don’t think you’re smart at all, and put a lot more stock in what you can tangibly accomplish than what you can do with your cognitive skills and creativity. If they’re truly dismissing you and not sharing constructive feedback, they’re not the kind of person you want to be around.
9. ‘I love how you stand by your opinion no matter what the facts are’
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Defending your beliefs is important, but this is a way to subtly suggest that you do so at the expense of reality. It’s very dismissive, and it shows that the other person doesn’t actually care about what your opinion is or the thought process you went through to reach it.
Technically, if you completely ignore the facts and just stick with your own conclusions, you’re probably caught up in confirmation bias. That means that you're twisting what you learn so that it fits the narrative you already have in your head. But, as long as you’re well-informed, there’s nothing wrong with forming an opinion and defending it, even though some people might disagree.
10. ‘It’s nice that you have such a simple way of thinking’
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The concept of being either a deep thinker or simple-minded has been pretty oversimplified. One is not necessarily smarter than the other. In fact, being a deep thinker doesn’t really mean you’re extra intelligent as much as it means you’re contemplative and aren’t happy without thoroughly considering an idea.
It would be confusing to hear someone say that you “have a simple way of thinking” because it may not be obvious what they mean, but it could also be their way of implying that you might be dumb. That’s a sign of a toxic person that you don’t need in your life, but you can also take comfort in knowing that there’s no such thing as thinking too simply or deeply, and there’s no one right way to do it.
11. ‘The room is so different after you leave’
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Hearing that the energy in a room shifts without you in it would feel good at first because we would all naturally assume that someone meant everything gets a bit duller without us. On the other hand, this could also mean they think the energy actually improves after you leave. Instead of you lighting up the room, it’s like everyone breathes a sigh of relief when you’re gone.
This means that person thinks of you as an energy vampire, which psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD, described as “someone who sucks the energy from you or from the group in a social interaction.” This is often a result of past trauma, and it isn’t an actual character trait, so if you feel really strongly that isn’t an accurate description of you, they might just be judging you too harshly.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
