If A Man In Your Life Uses These 11 Phrases, He's Likely A Very Selfish Person
Lopolo | Shutterstock Whether it’s a partner, a father, or a friend, we’ve all come in contact with a selfish person before in our lives. They use condescending language, invalidate our feelings, and constantly convey the feeling of “I’m better than you” in all of their interactions. Not only do they chip away at your self-esteem, but they make you feel “crazy” when you ask for the bare minimum.
Unfortunately, boundaries and space are often necessary to protect yourself from selfishness. As a study from PLOS One explains, men are more likely to act selfishly when they have a strong commitment or don’t believe their partner will leave, even in the face of misbehavior. So, if a man in your life uses these specific phrases, he’s likely a very selfish person, and it’s time for you to start advocating for yourself, even if that means walking away.
If a man in your life uses these 11 phrases, he’s likely a very selfish person
1. ‘Stop nagging me’
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While talking to a partner or parent who’s only expressing their emotions and concerns, if a man in your life uses a phrase like “stop nagging me,” he’s likely a very selfish person. As a study from the European Journal of Social Psychology explains, entitled people have a very misguided perspective of “fairness” and their own personal “deservingness” to get what they want.
If they believe something is a personal attack or it’s simply uncomfortable and inconvenient, they’ll immediately deem it “unfair.” They see themselves as inherently more important and deserving than others, so they’re not afraid to shut other people down and demonize their concerns, especially if they force a certain level of accountability that they’re incapable of performing.
2. ‘I work hard, so I deserve this’
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Many inherently selfish people consider their hard work to be more influential and powerful than that of others. They glamorize their own success and struggle because they need external validation and praise to feel secure. Specifically for men, who are socialized to intertwine their self-worth with providership and work ethic, it’s not surprising that selfish men use phrases like “I work hard, so I deserve this.”
However, “deservingness” doesn’t always equate to real outcomes or praise. Even the most deserving people in the world aren’t always offered success for working hard or praise for leaning into discomfort. If someone is intrinsically motivated, they cope with that themselves, whereas selfish men weaponize guilt and blame others for not conforming to their needs for constant validation.
3. ‘Stop trying to control me’
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Selfish men don’t think about supporting others or meeting their needs, because they’re too focused on personal progress and comfort to care. If a man if your life uses the phrase “stop trying to control me” when you’re asking for the bare minimum in a relationship, he’s likely a very selfish person.
They believe that feedback, conflict, and concerns are all personal attacks because their self-esteem is founded on self-image and praise. However, the avoidance of hard conversations and accountability can quickly isolate them and sabotage all of their relationships.
4. ‘That’s just how men are’
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Especially for men who conform to old-school stereotypes of “masculinity” and avoid vulnerability in favor of a misguided expectation of “strength,” it’s not surprising for them to justify misbehavior through the lens of their manhood. However, as author Jarie Bolander explains, vulnerability and openness are the true pillars of strength for men, especially in romantic relationships and for personal well-being.
If a man in your life uses phrases like “that’s just how men are” to invalidate your concerns and justify his own misbehavior, he’s likely a very selfish person. He refuses to take responsibility for his mistakes and grow as a person, because he’s always making excuses for the misbehavior that feels comfortable for him.
5. ‘You’re being too emotional’
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According to licensed clinical psychologist Bill Knaus, gaslighting behaviors are often rooted in selfishness. People who distort other people’s realities to fit their needs and narratives care more about protecting their own comfort and self-image than supporting the people they’re supposed to call close partners, friends, and family members.
Whether their gaslighting tendencies show up in phrases like “you’re being too emotional” or in behaviors like ignoring someone’s needs, if a man in your life regularly does these things, they’re an inherently selfish person.
6. ‘I don’t need help’
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Depending on what someone fears, their inability to ask for help may be a way to avoid risk and protect their own comfort, according to a study from Psychological Science. If a selfish man fears embarrassment and self-consciousness, chances are phrases like “I don’t need help” are a means of control.
They can pretend like they’re more important, deserving, or smarter than everyone else by struggling in silence and turning down support from others. So, if a man in your life refuses to ask for help, chances are he’s attempting to control a certain narrative about his own self-image or cope with the fears his foundation of insecurity provokes.
They’d prefer to continue harming, invalidating, and dismissing people instead of taking advice and help from others to grow into a better version of themselves.
7. ‘I have bigger things to worry about’
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If a man in your life uses phrases like “I have bigger things to worry about,” he’s likely a very selfish person. It’s important to note that many people with selfish behaviors and personality traits in adulthood are coping with some level of unresolved childhood trauma. They’ve learned to constantly be on the defensive and overprotective of their well-being, because they couldn’t trust their parents to show up for them as children.
Even if it comes at the expense of trust in relationships and genuine connections, these selfish people often feel like they have “bigger” things to worry about. They’re living in a survival mode that encourages them to be hyper-independent and controlling, because they struggle to believe someone else has their best interests in mind.
8. ‘That’s not my problem’
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From blame-shifting to deflecting responsibility for misbehavior, selfish men often refuse to take accountability when they’ve made a mistake or hurt someone’s feelings. They’re always playing the victim to seek sympathy and praise from others, even if it means crafting a perpetrator out of the person they disappointed or hurt.
“That’s not my problem” is just one of the phrases selfish men rely on most in their everyday lives. From walking away from responsibilities at work to invalidating their partner’s concerns in a relationship, they prefer to put their own comfort on a pedestal over necessary experiences of vulnerability and honesty.
9. ‘I’m not helping, that’s your thing’
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Especially in romantic relationships with women, selfish men may cling to their own weaponized incompetence to avoid discomfort or inconvenience. From pushing women into rigid gender roles at home to expecting them to completely manage household labor and responsibilities, despite working and earning the same, they’ll do whatever it takes to make their lives easier.
So, if a man in your life uses phrases like “that’s your thing” or “I don’t know how to do that,” he’s not actually incapable of helping. He’d just prefer to pawn off those responsibilities onto others instead of learning.
10. ‘Why are you crying?’
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If someone else’s needs and concerns make a selfish man uncomfortable, he’s quick to invalidate them. If something doesn’t make their life easier or even make sense to them, they immediately deem it “wrong” or “unnecessary.”
Much like how selfish people craft their deservingness in the spectrum of “fairness,” they also tend to craft rigid binaries of right and wrong based on their own personal beliefs, needs, and values. “Why are you crying?” or “it’s not that serious” are just a few examples of the phrases these men use to protect their comfort and invalidate other people into conformity or silence.
11. ‘What I do should be enough’
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Whether their self-worth is crafted through a misguided expectation of “providership” financially or a sense of prestige and status, selfish men often use bare minimum contributions and habits as an excuse to be lazy in other aspects of relationships. If they make the money for a household, they assume “that’s enough” to avoid emotional connection and chores at home.
“What I do should be enough” is simply an excuse for them to control the narrative in relationships and protect their own personal comfort, even if it comes at the expense of well-being, balance, and trust.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
