Men With 11 Specific Habits Are Usually Not The People To Build A Family With
Ekateryna Zubal | Shutterstock While it’s true that many men fall victim to toxic gendered norms and misleading societal expectations about masculinity and deserve some level of grace for their engagement in romantic relationships, there are also certain men with specific habits that are not the people you want to build a family with. They either justify bad behaviors or run from accountability, and regardless of how these attitudes manifest, they’re never going to change.
Because men often need romantic relationships more than their female partners, if you’re a woman in the dating scene or trying to find your person, there’s absolutely no reason to settle. With a social support network of female friends that offer the kind of vulnerability we need to thrive, you have the support system. Bringing a toxic, manipulative, or vulnerable man into your life for the sake of having a family only puts you and your future kids at risk.
Men with 11 specific habits are usually not the people to build a family with:
1. They shut down when things get hard
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While many men have been socialized and taught to avoid vulnerability and emotional expression to protect their misguided sense of “strength” or “masculinity,” the truth is that without these things, it’s impossible to build a truly healthy, balanced relationship.
Especially when children are in the picture, being an example of emotional intelligence is essential for their later well-being, giving them the tools to resolve conflict, treat others with respect, and regulate their own emotions. So, if a man in your life runs from hard conversations and deflects when you’re expressing concerns, they’re usually not the type of person you want to build a family with.
2. They turn conflict into chaos
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Many boys who were exposed to toxic relationships in their parents' growing up, centered around transactional weaponizations of love and constant drama, learn to feel helpless around romantic partners. Not only does this harm their own personal coping skills around drama and conflict, but it also often ensures that they end up in similar relationships as adults, at least according to clinical psychologist Randi Gunther.
They’ve only ever been taught to fight conflict with defensiveness or to make arguments more dramatic and emotionally reactive. While they have the space to grow and unlearn these behaviors, men with these specific habits are usually not the people to build a family with, especially for the well-being and emotional safety of future kids.
3. They use money as an excuse to disengage
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If a man is always using phrases like “I paid the bill, so you owe me” or “What else do you need?” to justify their lack of effort while also being a financial provider, chances are they’re not the type of man you should build a family with. To truly boost relationships' well-being and happiness, there has to be a balanced foundation of effort and intention from both partners, at least according to a study from the Social Psychological and Personality Science journal.
If the man you’re dating or engaged with invalidates your need for this balance and makes you feel guilty for asking for more by weaponizing his providership, he’s not your guy. You deserve more presence, intention, and vulnerability than someone who tries to make every connecting moment transactional.
4. They trash every ex
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If you’re always hearing about how “crazy” a man’s ex-partner was or consistently find conversations circling back to their “horrible dating luck,” there’s a chance this pattern of behavior has more to do with him than any of his old exs. As psychologist Dr. Tracy Dalgleish explains, name-calling on its own often reveals a tendency to externalize blame in men who refuse to take accountability for the end of a relationship.
While it might feel reassuring to be on these men’s “good sides,” there’s a chance he’ll end up placing blame on you and refusing to acknowledge where he has room to grow.
5. They can't handle being alone
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While it might seem counterintuitive, alone time doesn’t often correlate with feelings of loneliness. Instead, self-esteem struggles, poor coping mechanisms, and toxic relationships actually play a bigger role. So, if a partner is feeling “lonely” when they’re spending time alone, it’s likely because they aren’t feeding into their own sense of individuality or crafting hobbies that boost their self-esteem outside of quality time and attention from a partner.
Finding alone time in a relationship is essential for balance and well-being. If you’re spending all your time together, you’re interweaving your sense of self-worth and identity with the state of the relationship, making conflicts and moments of disconnection far scarier and disorienting.
So, if a man in your life needs constant entertainment and attention from you, they’re probably not the person to build a family with. You’ll only end up “parenting” them in the long run, sacrificing your own need for alone time with his need for stimulation.
6. They avoid thinking long-term
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The key to long-term health and happiness is relationships, at least according to a Harvard University study. However, they take “work,” effort, and intention to actually fulfill us. From long-term planning for the future to leaning into the discomfort of hard conversations, both partners have to be willing to protect the integrity of the relationship for it to play a positive role in their well-being.
Men with specific habits like expressing boredom around long-term planning are usually not the people to build a family with. They’re seeking instant gratification and comfort from having a partner, not longevity. Chances are, they’re always avoiding difficult conversations and running from accountability, because relationships are a convenience, not an intentional foundation to build.
7. They treat arguments like competitions
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Whether it’s completely dismissing the need for compromise with their partner to fighting on separate teams and trying to “win” arguments together, men with these specific habits are usually not the people to build a family with.
They’re not interested in cultivating a sense of understanding with a partner because they’re too busy seeking control, trying to manipulate the narrative, and defending themselves. Especially when kids are in the picture, a couple has to trust each other that they’re on the same team, and if a male partner can’t grow into that identity without high stakes, chances are they never will.
8. They expect you to manage their life
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Whether it’s literally opting out of “balance” with household labor and chores or metaphorically expecting their partners to solve all their problems and resolve all the things causing them discomfort, men with these specific habits are usually not the people to build a family with.
Of course, as a study from the Pew Research Center explains, women already take on the majority of childcare and household labor in their relationships with men, despite working and earning the same amounts. So, if your male partner is already expecting you to take care of their discomfort and responsibility, chances are the addition of children will only add more stress and obligation to your workload.
9. They cope by avoiding responsibility
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In our culture, it’s largely normalized for men to decide to “opt out” of their children’s lives, whether it’s literally or on a more emotional level. They’ve been taught to completely avoid addressing their emotions and coping with stress in healthy, vulnerable ways, so truthfully, it’s not surprising that that often carries over into their families and relationships.
So, if you notice a male partner is coping with random things like stress or obligation with avoidance or defensiveness, they may not be the right person to build a family with. Not only will he expect you to handle discomfort for him, but he’ll be more likely to adopt a “parenting is optional” attitude.
10. They withhold affection to get their way
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If a man in your life uses a phrase like “you owe me” or “Why would I reward you for that?” chances are they’re going to be more likely to weaponize affection and communication to get what they want. Of course, these are telltale signs of emotional manipulation, even if these behaviors aren’t intentionally toxic.
They use the “silent treatment” and withhold physical affection when they’re upset, creating an atmosphere at home where you feel pressured to walk on eggshells or meet their every need to get the bare minimum.
11. They want applause for doing the bare minimum
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Entitled men often expect constant validation and praise from their partners in a relationship. They have an inflated sense of “deservingness,” as a study from the European Journal of Social Psychology explains, where anything uncomfortable or inconvenient for them is immediately deemed “unfair.”
Whether it’s standing up for a partner to their friends, showing up to support them, or doing the bare minimum of household labor at home, men who expect constant praise for bare minimum effort are usually not the people to build a family with.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
