People Who Have Been Talking Bad Behind Your Back Almost Always Use These 11 Phrases When Speaking To You
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock While gossip can occasionally help bond people at a surface level, too much drama or negativity can actually sabotage relationships and mental health. According to a study published in the Journal of Consumer Research, negativity is contagious, and if you keep around people prone to talking badly behind your back and spreading rumors, you’re introducing more of that energy into your life. The more you notice their energy, set boundaries, and act intuitively about the people in your social circle, the more well-off you’ll be in every aspect of your life.
Even in small conversations, you can pick up on red flags that someone’s prone to unnecessary gossip. People who have been talking badly behind your back almost always use certain phrases when speaking with you in an attempt to cover for their poor behavior. Whether it’s passive-aggressiveness rooted in their resentment, signs of low self-esteem, or phrases trying to cover their tracks, they’re easy to notice when you’re looking for them.
People who have been talking bad behind your back almost always use these 11 phrases when speaking to you
1. ‘I figured you already knew’
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People who have been talking badly behind your back almost always use phrases like “I figured you already knew” or “I didn’t realize you’d be upset” when speaking to you to compensate for speaking about you behind your back. When they’re called out for having secretive conversations or keeping you out of plans intentionally, they try to flip the narrative to play the victim.
They don’t care about dismissing or invalidating your feelings if it means protecting their own self-image or comfort. They’re coping with a deep-rooted sense of low self-worth, as psychologist Jonice Webb suggests, that prevents them from owning up to their harmful behaviors and language.
2. ‘No offense, but…’
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If someone has to give a disclaimer or justification for their words before speaking them out loud, chances are they’re not actually interested in compassion or kindness. They’re simply trying to protect themselves from being held accountable.
They don’t want to have to apologize for hurting people, so they disguise their cruelty with passive-aggressiveness or phrases like “no offense” that gaslight people into taking on the responsibility for their own hurt.
3. ‘That’s not how I meant it’
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If someone regularly uses phrases like “that’s not how I meant it” to gaslight you into dismissing your own feelings, their meanness is slipping through the cracks. They don’t want to be held accountable for how they speak to you, but they’re happy to be cruel and unforgiving behind closed doors or behind your back.
When there’s nobody around to call them out, imagine how they’ll speak about you. So, if they’re trying to gaslight you into believing that their intentions were pure or that you’re misunderstanding their words, just remember: a truly good partner or friend will make space to support you, even when they don’t always agree.
4. ‘I don’t want to talk about this’
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While it’s true that some people’s cruelty lies at the intersection between their poor self-awareness and ignorance, a study published in Psychological Science found that most people who are regularly cruel know what they’re doing. They’re not entirely ignorant of how their actions affect others, but they care too much about protecting their own comfort and self-image to care.
Their usage of phrases like “I don’t want to talk about this” is simply a way to protect themselves from being called out for their behavior in embarrassing ways. They’ve already aired out their concerns with other people and are venting about you in gossipy conversations, so, of course, they’re not interested in actually resolving any issues. They only want to connect with people on superficial levels by gossiping about others.
5. ‘Everyone has their own version of the truth’
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People who run from personal accountability and frame their relationships around gossip and rumors are likely to rely on passive phrases like this one for comfort. “Everyone has their own version of the truth” really means “nobody can actually know that I’m lying.”
If they can pretend like the truth is subjective, they can skew the narrative to work in their favor, make things up, and spread rumors without ever having to take accountability.
6. ‘I’m just brutally honest’
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If a person is using honesty as a disguise for being cruel or rude, chances are they’re not filtering their language when you’re not around to hold them accountable. Honesty is great, but sometimes, being honest with someone is simply a way to justify selfish harm, as a study published in Personality and Social Psychology suggests.
People who have been talking badly behind your back almost always use phrases like “I’m just brutally honest” to justify their selfish harm and negativity. They don’t want to take accountability for actively hurting someone’s feelings or being a negative influence, so they rely on these justifications for safety, even if it comes at the expense of another person’s well-being.
7. ‘I don’t want this to be weird’
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Even if their passive-aggressiveness and gossipy nature are what’s making a conversation weird or uncomfortable, a person who’s not interested in taking accountability will try to play the victim. They pretend like they’re trying to be a good person protecting the peace and shutting down a negative conversation, even if they were the one who started it.
A person prone to playing the victim is trying to protect themselves and their own self-image, even if it means shifting the narrative, spreading lies, and justifying behavior that’s actively hurting others. They try to cling to their innocence, even if the harm that hurt someone was entirely intentional in the moment.
8. ‘Let’s just move on’
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If a gossipy person’s motive in a conversation is to protect themselves, rather than take accountability for their mean language and cruelty, they will use phrases like “let’s just move on” to deflect and avoid facing consequences. They’d prefer to move on from a conversation where they’re being called out, because then, they don’t have to take accountability for their actions.
They’d prefer to keep talking badly behind people’s backs without any repercussions, so, of course, they’re never going to lean into true honesty and accountability when it comes to a face-to-face conflict.
9. ‘I didn’t realize you’d be upset’
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Instead of being thoughtful with their language and considering others before making decisions, selfish, manipulative people gossip without a second thought. They don’t care if their words hurt someone, so they’re always spreading rumors and being cruel to help themselves feel more powerful and in control.
Even if that means needing to frame themselves as the victim when they get caught in their lies and cruelty with phrases like “I didn’t realize you’d be upset,” they’re more self-centered than anyone realizes. They’d prefer to weaponize their own ignorance in these kinds of situations than own up to being intentionally cruel.
10. ‘I never said that’
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People who have been talking badly behind your back almost always use phrases like “I never said that” to gaslight you when they get caught. Gaslighting tends to work as an effective manipulation tactic because it sparks confusion and self-doubt in victims.
With phrases like “I never said that” and “you sound crazy right now,” gaslighters can change the narrative to reflect better on themselves by making other people feel crazy for calling them out or seeking an apology. They’ll never have the confidence to say the things they say behind your back to your face, so they hide their cruelty with gaslighting behaviors and straight-up lies.
11. ‘Do whatever you want’
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If someone is passive with you, but it’s clear they’re really annoyed or upset, chances are they’d just prefer to internalize their feelings and vent them to someone else without a filter when you’re not around. It’s easy for them to gossip without having to be respectful to your face, so even if it comes at the expense of their relationship with you, they’d prefer to avoid expressing concerns in the moment.
The thrill of talking badly behind someone’s back will almost always be more exciting than leaning into discomfort with conflict or admitting that they aren’t emotionally regulated enough to have a healthy argument.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
