11 Subtle Mean Girl Habits That Push Even Good Friends Away
Don't ignore how you feel when you're around people who are supposed to be your friends.
pio3 / Shutterstock Friendships aren’t only fundamental to our sense of self and our overall happiness, but they’re also incredibly important for safeguarding our physical, mental, and emotional health. As much as good friendships can benefit us, staying close to someone who treats us badly can have negative effects on our well-being.
By recognizing some of the common, yet subtle, mean girl habits that push even good friends away, you’re not just protecting your stress level or your mental health, but your physical health, as well. Even if it’s uncomfortable, ending unhealthy relationships and being intentional about the kind of people you allow in your life can make all the difference.
Here are 11 subtle mean girl habits that push even good friends away
1. Giving backhanded compliments
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According to psychology professor Joachim I. Krueger, people who give backhanded compliments are often trying to avoid having to take accountability for hurting people’s feelings and generally being in the wrong. By disguising their hurtful comments with phrases like “it’s just a joke” or hiding their meanness with soft language, they can deny hurting your feelings and avoid taking responsibility.
It’s one of the subtle mean girl habits that push even good friends away, especially when it becomes a pattern in conversations. If you’re consistently feeling hurt or upset by hurtful language disguised as a compliment, chances are they’re not offering them up mistakenly — they just don’t care about hurting you.
2. Talking poorly behind your back
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According to personal development coach Moira Hutchison, building trust is the foundation of any relationship, but especially friendships that tend to cultivate intimacy and connection in different ways than romantic partners. When you speak poorly behind someone’s back, it’s directly sabotaging that trust, even if it’s just complaining or spreading rumors.
While this gossipy trait in mean friends may go undetected for a while, or even be forgiven by certain people at the beginning of the relationship, consistently breaking trust for the sake of external validation or superficial connection will eventually sabotage a friendship. If you can’t trust someone to have your back when you’re not around or speak highly of you when it truly matters, what’s the point in continuing to invest energy into the connection?
3. One-upping in conversations
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One-upping in conversations is essentially making everything about yourself. You’re not only overstepping, dismissing, and invalidating other people, but actively trying to compete with other people’s success. Whether it’s using a phrase like “I actually did that too,” or “That reminds me of the time I...,” they’re all intended to redirect attention away from someone else and back to you.
It’s also one of the subtle mean girl habits that push even good friends away. Who wants to be around someone who’s not only sabotaging a safe space for communication but also completely ignoring your needs for the sake of their ego?
4. Gatekeeping
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Whether it’s their favorite lip gloss shade or information about a party they were invited to, mean girls will try to gate-keep things from their friends to seem more important. By making the things they like, do, and attend more exclusive than they really are, they build up their self-esteem and ego, but in misguided and hurtful ways.
True friends don’t feel the need to constantly compete for attention, status, and envy with each other. They’re open to sharing, even if it means wearing the same thing or going to the same party.
5. Never liking your social media posts
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Using social media in healthy ways can actually add value to your in-person relationships and friendships, from helping to boost bonding and connection, like a 2023 study suggests, and even promoting better communication. However, it can also have adverse effects when it’s used in a toxic way, even if it’s something subtle like never praising your friend’s posts or liking their pictures.
Especially if your friend is constantly on social media, in a way that tends to sabotage relationship well-being, according to a study from the Social Science Computer Review, but never interacting with your posts, it can feel invalidating and disconnecting to be on the other side of things. For some, it’s not intentionally malicious, but for others, this is one of the mean girl habits that push even good friends away and is rooted in toxic competition and envy between friends.
6. Playing the victim
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According to the Berkeley Well-Being Institute, a sense of victimhood is often deeply rooted in people’s identity, leading them to avoid conflict, fall short on taking accountability, and seek attention and pity by blame-shifting when someone calls them out. No matter how deeply rooted the trait is, it’s also one of the stubble mean girl habits that push even good friends away.
When you don’t have a safe space to express concerns with a friend or even set boundaries, you’re not only more prone to growing resentful of each other, but you resort to suppressing emotions that will inevitably bubble up in less healthy ways.
7. Making excuses
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When friends refuse to take responsibility for their mistakes and make excuses for their poor behavior, they’re not only driving people away from healthy connection, they’re dismissing their feelings for the sake of their own ego.
Whether it’s making an excuse for cancelling plans at the last-minute or dismissing someone’s concerns when they give a backhanded compliment, it’s impossible to grow to a healthy place with a friend who’s stubbornly rooted in their mean girl habits.
8. Disguising rudeness for ‘honesty’
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Many people who are inherently rude or mean may hide behind the guise of "brutal honesty” or “bluntness” to avoid taking accountability for hurting other people in their lives. Rather than being honest with their concerns, expressing themselves openly, and leading with empathy, they instead judge and critique people behind the filter of honesty, sparking resentment and frustration, even with the healthiest friends.
Disguising rudeness for honesty may seem subtle, but it’s still one of the mean girl habits that sabotages relationships and connections — not everything you think needs to be said, and even if you have a concern, there’s a kind way to phrase it.
9. Only praising people in public
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Many mean girls who care more about themselves than their friends will only praise them in public when people are around to witness their “kindness” and “good deeds.” They prefer to help people when it looks good for them, otherwise, they judge and criticize others in private.
Not only does this sabotage the foundation of trust that’s essential in most relationships, but it also invalidates the bond that these friends build in public and often sparks self-doubt in good people who want to see the best in their close friends and peers.
10. Avoiding confrontation
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Whether it’s using the silent treatment when they feel offended, icing you out when they’re mad, or turning away from conflict completely, avoiding confrontation is one of the subtle mean girl habits that push even good friends away.
There’s not only no safe space to talk about concerns and struggles in the relationship, but these avoidant tendencies also often spark resentment that can sabotage relationship health down the road.
11. Downplaying your accomplishments
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Many of the subtle mean girl habits that push even good friends away are rooted in self-centeredness. They don’t mind if their friends and peers succeed, get into relationships, or find happiness, as long as it’s not more than they have or challenging the attention they’re always eagerly yearning for.
Downplaying accomplishments is one of the ways these mean-spirited people keep their friends in check. They dismiss their excitement and overlook their success to cope with their own need for control and insecurity.
Sometimes, this even looks like having a selective memory, like forgetting your birthday, but making a recipe from months ago without a second thought. They only choose to remember things and invest energy into things that directly benefit them, even if it means sacrificing a healthy friendship with a forgiving person to do so.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
