11 Ways People Pretend Their Marriage Is Fine (When It’s Obviously Not)
Ilya Oreshkov / Shutterstock Fear of change and a desire to conform to social expectations drive couples to pretend their marriage is fine even when it obviously is not. They may feel that it is safer to overlook the real issues within their marriage and that by not acknowledging them, they are actually protecting their relationship.
However, this is not the reality of the situation. The longer a couple avoids discussing their issues and the longer they pretend their marriage is fine when it's obviously not, the unhappier they will become. Open communication in these situations is key. Talking through their struggles and their raw emotions has the potential to mend their broken connection and restore the health of their relationship.
These are 11 ways people pretend their marriage is fine (when it’s obviously not)
1. Over-the-top gestures
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When a couple’s marriage is no longer fine, they may still try to pretend that it is, especially for the public eye. As a defense mechanism, they will typically perform over-the-top gestures while surrounded by large groups of people.
By doing this, they believe that they will create a perception of the relationship that, from an outsider’s point of view, seems successful and happy. Masking their marital issues with public affection may not only mean they are seeking external validation, but they might also be in denial. It could be their own way of trying to escape the reality of their unhappy marriage.
2. Avoiding conflict
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Despite being aware of the less-than-satisfactory state of their marriage, a couple may avoid discussing the issues they are facing out of fear and a desire to avoid conflict. Once two people have spent a substantial amount of time together, even the idea of no longer being together is frightening.
If they bring up the struggles their marriage is facing, they are aware that it could result in the end of their marriage. No matter how unsatisfied they may feel in the marriage, they fear that they may feel even more unhappy if they were on their own.
However, conversation about the problems within their marriage may actually influence change that works to better the relationship rather than tear it apart. Kara Shade, a certified family life educator and relationship coach, suggests that conflict within relationships is natural and will likely leave partners feeling more reassured about their relationship if handled respectfully.
3. Blaming external factors
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To avoid taking responsibility for their actions and to avoid facing real issues within the marriage, a couple may blame external factors for their marital problems. Blame is typically a mechanism couples will use when they want to avoid the pain and discomfort of facing reality.
By blaming their issues on other people, work, financial matters, etc., they are aiming to feel a sense of control over their situation and protect themselves from potential negative emotions. While they may feel that this is the best course of action in the moment, long-term, taking responsibility for what is really happening in their marriage is what will truly transform their connection.
Dr. Faith Drew, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that while taking responsibility is vulnerable and can be difficult, it helps create a sense of hope within the relationships “because once you stop focusing on what you can’t control (your partner), and start focusing on what you can (yourself) or dealing with real underlying feelings, real change becomes possible.”
4. Forced fun
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When things are not good within a marriage, a couple may attempt to reignite the spark they once felt or engage in fun activities together as a way to cope with their painful reality. Typically, if the couple is deeply unhappy with each other and they no longer enjoy time spent together, they may be forcing themselves to have fun.
However, if the couple can find activities that relieve their stress and make them feel joyous, they have the potential to mend their connection. “Scientifically, engaging in fun activities triggers the release of endorphins – those feel-good neurotransmitters that elevate mood and reduce stress. When couples share moments of joy and laughter, it strengthens their emotional connection,” according to Couples Therapy Melbourne, a team of therapists who provide counseling services to couples, families, and individuals.
5. Public perfection
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Aiming to appear perfect in public may be a couple’s way of avoiding public scrutiny and attempting to maintain expectations. While in private, they may allow the true colors of their relationship to come out, but when surrounded by friends and family, they will try to seem extremely happy and successful.
While the couple may be deceiving their loved ones, they will still experience an emotional toll because they cannot pretend to themselves that everything in their relationship is going well. The longer they avoid acknowledging the real issues and pretend to be happy, the harder it will be for them to actually begin feeling happy.
6. Ignoring emotional distance
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Fearing vulnerability, judgment, and the potential loss of someone they love are reasons a couple may ignore the emotional distance taking place within their relationship. When they pretend that their marriage is fine, they are less likely to have deep conversations about the problems they are facing.
Instead, they will avoid mentioning their feelings at all to one another and live in denial. If the couple allows their overwhelming emotions to go unaddressed, they will eventually grow resentful of one another, and it will be difficult for their emotional connection to develop and thrive.
7. Posting overly positive images on social media
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Some couples place a lot of importance on social perceptions. Regardless of the way their marriage is actually going, they will continue to post overly positive images on social media to make their relationship seem as though it is thriving.
They may feel like they rely on external validation. If others are commenting on how happy and successful their marriage seems, they might feel influenced to stay in the relationship and power through the difficulties. They will also use external validation as a way to combat any doubts they may have.
8. Avoiding deep and meaningful conversations
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A strained marriage is not an easy thing to experience or overcome. Many couples will avoid deep and meaningful conversations so they can pretend to be fine instead of truly facing the troubles of their relationship. These conversations require vulnerability, and each partner has to be okay with the potential of losing one another if the issues they face cannot be resolved.
“It might be easier to convince yourself that by avoiding conflict, you are preserving the harmony of the relationship. Unfortunately, it is the opposite, by avoiding talking, you are giving resentment time to grow and taking away the opportunity to discuss the conflict and build a partnership of honesty, trust, and unwavering support,” mentions licensed marriage and family therapist, Michelle Scharlop.
9. Making excuses about why they can’t go on dates
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To avoid acknowledging their marital issues and taking responsibility for them, many couples will choose to make excuses for why they can no longer engage in romantic relationship activities, like dates. Instead of owning up to their lack of effort or dissatisfaction, they would rather pretend to be fine and blame external factors.
Becky Whetstone, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist, explains that “Justifications and excuses are popular defense mechanisms designed to protect one’s ego.” When a couple uses justifications and excuses, they are protecting their ego from being hit by the negative consequences and emotions that could arise if they were honest with themselves and each other.
10. Focusing on the physical instead of emotional
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Sometimes, the physical aspects of a relationship can be easier to navigate and control than the emotional aspects. Due to this, a couple who is only pretending to have a fine marriage may connect physically much more often than they do emotionally.
Emotional connections can feel too vulnerable for some, and if they already feel like they are in a fragile state within the relationship, they may try and avoid anything that may rock the boat. By creating an external facade of a healthy marriage and physically seeming head over heels about one another, they are attempting to avoid the difficult parts of a marriage.
11. Dismissing one another’s feelings
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Denial and dismissing one another’s feelings are a couple’s way of defending themselves against potential pain and discomfort. If they accept each other’s emotions, they are acknowledging that their marriage is no longer as great as it once was.
This will likely be difficult for them because it could open the door to confrontation and change. While they may not feel the happiest in the relationship with one another, they still may fear losing each other and having to experience day-to-day life without being together.
Couples that are choosing to pretend their marriage is fine when in reality it is not should consider the long-term consequences of avoiding their marital issues. If they take the time to respectfully hear each other out and acknowledge what they have been facing, they may find a solution to their struggles.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
