If You Pretend You're Fine Even When You're Falling Apart, You Likely Have These 11 Reasons

If you’re prone to keeping your feelings and emotional turmoil inside all the time, chances are your constant exhaustion and disarray are somewhat self-imposed. When we suppress all of these experiences and emotions, they don’t go away — they simply compound and fuel each other inside of us, until they find a situation to explode within.

If you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you likely have these reasons. Whether it’s struggling to find people to talk to, childhood trauma that keeps you from asking for help, or emotional chaos that makes getting through the day a challenge, hiding from your struggles and emotions isn’t the answer.

If you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you likely have these 11 reasons

1. You were a gifted kid

woman who was a gifted kid sitting alone at home Wasana Kunpol | Shutterstock

Many adults who grew up as “gifted kids” were set to unrealistic and entirely unattainable expectations, like a study from PLOS One suggests, and still hold themselves to perfectionist ideals today. They’re always trying to prove their intellect and their worth, oftentimes to the detriment of their personal energy levels and well-being.

If you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you’re probably grappling with some of that childhood trauma — trying to impress everyone around you, even when the emotional turmoil you feel inside is inescapable.

2. You fear being a burden

sad older woman who fears being a burden PeopleImages | Shutterstock

According to a study from Aging & Mental Health, people who experience anxiety and depression often also simultaneously fear being a burden to the people around them. This fear encourages them to suppress their emotions and overlook their issues, even at the detriment of their relationships and personal health.

Whether it’s worrying about asking for help at work or avoiding concerns in a relationship, they pretend they're fine and cultivate a sense of turmoil and resentment internally that’s always fighting for a way to manifest in a person’s daily life.

3. You’re a perfectionist

perfectionist woman looking out a window fast-stock | Shutterstock

Whether it’s self-oriented perfectionism, where you have high expectations for yourself, or a societally-prescribed alternative, where you believe everyone else has unattainable expectations for you, perfectionism can often urge people into toxic behaviors and habits to cope with their fears of failure or rejection.

They equate their self-worth to their achievements, so if they’re not meeting people’s expectations for them or achieving their huge goals, they struggle with self-esteem and emotional turmoil all the time. Even if they’re struggling but still achieving goals, these people pretend their fine to protect their self-image in a stigmatized world.

4. You’re the ‘strong’ one

man who thinks he's the strong one falling apart StockLab | Shutterstock

Whether it’s being a strong mother in a household or being the “therapist friend” who always solves everyone else’s problems, if you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you likely have these reasons. You’re always expected to be the “strong” one who cleans up the messes and supports everyone else, but without reciprocity, you feel pressure into suppression.

Unfortunately, like a study from Personality and Social Psychology explains, suppressing emotions instead of dealing with them doesn’t just harm emotional health and relationships — it also partially removes the ability for people to experience positivity in their lives.

Their negative emotions and suppressed concerns are still living inside of them — they don’t simply fade away — so they tend to sabotage good moments and manifest in uncomfortable, unexpected ways.

5. You equate mistakes to failure

sad woman who equates mistakes to failure MAYA LAB | Shutterstock

If you’re operating from a place of insecurity or perfectionism, it’s common to mistakenly associate making mistakes with being a failure — even if that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your mindset when it comes to making mistakes actually says a lot about your intelligence.

Intelligent, emotionally self-aware people challenge themselves on purpose and are happy to make mistakes, because they present opportunities to learn and grow. However, if you’re always pretending you’re fine when you’re falling apart and equating mistakes to failure, chances are you’re taking on a lot more shame and guilt for things that could actually bring value to your life.

6. You’ve been through worse

upset man whose been through worse sitting at home Raushan_films | Shutterstock

If you’ve dealt with long periods of adversity, trauma, or loss, you may feel like “you’ve been through worse” than whatever you’re experiencing right now, making it hard to actually be present in healing through the little things. There’s an element of guilt in bringing up problems now, especially if the people around you know what you’ve been through.

But let this be your reminder that you’re always deserving of grace, support, and rest, even if this isn’t necessarily “the worst thing” you’ve ever dealt with in your life.

7. You’ve become dependent on distraction

man whose become dependent on distraction looking at his phone Prostock-studio | Shutterstock

Many people dealing with mental health struggles and life changes feel “out of control,” so it’s no surprise that misguided, escapist coping mechanisms like mindless entertainment and general avoidance are things they use to grasp control.

No matter how misguided it actually is for healing, if you pretend you’re fine even when everything’s falling apart, you might’ve become dependent on avoidance and distraction. Unfortunately, like a study from Frontiers in Psychiatry suggests, these unhealthy coping skills only craft an unrealistic sense of reality and control, leading to suppressed emotions and anxiety that can be hard to eventually overcome.

8. You don’t want pity

sad woman who doesn't want pity sitting at home Rawpixel.com | Shutterstock

If you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you don’t want pity from others. Whether you’re a hyper-independent person or trying to protect your self-image and the way people perceive you, pity could be a “bad word” for you.

However, like psychologist Nick Wignall explains, a society that closes itself off to “pitying” others is missing crucial elements of human nature: connection and support. So, don’t be afraid to let your vulnerable side out and to ask for help — people want to support you more than you might believe.

9. You’re hyper-independent

hyper-independent man sitting on the bus PeopleImages | Shutterstock

According to relationship specialist Annie Tanasugarn, hyper-independence is often a trauma response for people who had unmet needs growing up or childhood trauma that made them feel out of control. As adults, they grasp onto their independence as a means of control, even if it’s isolating and comes at the expense of truly healthy relationships.

However, being independent all the time and refusing to ask for help can not only encourage people to perceive you in negative ways, but also isolate you from the relationships and support you truly need to thrive.

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10. You don’t know how to verbalize your struggles

silent man who doesn't know how to verbalize his struggles sommart sombutwanitkul | Shutterstock

If you secretly wish someone would notice that you were struggling, chances are you’re pretending you’re fine because you don’t know how to ask for help. You don’t know what’s actually going on or making you unhappy, so finding the words to ask for help feels impossible.

Leaning on reflection and friends can often help you. Even if you don’t know the root cause of your pain, your friends and loved ones want to help. Let them support you emotionally, even if they’re not offering solutions to “fix” your pain.

11. You don’t have good people in your life

stressed woman who doesn't have good people in her life Prostock-studio | Shutterstock

Whether you feel isolated from your family or struggle to make friends, if you pretend you’re fine even when you’re falling apart, you likely have these reasons. You may be empowered to ask for help, but you don’t have a strong support system to lean on.

Luckily that’s why there are professionals. Get a therapist, seek out community, ask for mental health resources — they’re there for a reason.

Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.