Women Formerly Known As 'A Pleasure To Have In Class' Are Likely Dealing With These 11 Things As Adults
They were the overachieving, gifted, and creative women, and are now trying to find their place.
mimagephotography | Shutterstock Even if it’s comfortable and validating at the time, being an overachiever in school often backfires for adults later in life. There’s no longer a rulebook to follow, and if you’re not careful, you’ll quickly overload yourself with responsibilities, emotional exhaustion, and stress. These students tend to do better because they follow the rules and know how to navigate the school system for praise, but it’s actually flexibility, adaptability, and resourcefulness that the adult work rewards.
Women formerly known as “a pleasure to have in class” are likely dealing with these things as adults. They’re learning how to say “no,” struggling with seeking validation, and trying to desperately break their people-pleasing patterns. But like they know, it’s not always easy — especially as a woman in the current state of the world.
Women formerly known as 'a pleasure to have in class' are likely dealing with these 11 things as adults
1. Emotional exhaustion
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Women formerly known as “a pleasure to have in class” are likely dealing with emotional exhaustion now. They found value, security, and even a little bit of personal identity in being praised for their work ethic and thoughtfulness, but now, as their responsibilities pile up, it’s impossible to give all of themselves to every single thing or person.
They have an “I can do it all” attitude, but especially as you start to get older and shoulder the responsibility in more aspects of life — from parenthood, to a professional career, and dealing with personal changes and growth — it can become overwhelming quickly.
Doing the most, overachieving, and being praised might’ve softened the blow in college or high school, but for adult women in the real world, this kind of burnout is impossible to ignore.
2. Over-apologizing
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According to clinical psychologist Greg Chasson, people who over-apologize often use it as a defensive mechanism. They feel safe when they’re in other people’s “good graces,” which is why they often put their own needs to the side in favor of seeking out forgiveness or reassurance from others.
Women formerly known as overachievers or “a pleasure to have in class” may struggle with over-apologizing because they tend to seek out validation. They’ve spent their whole lives being praised for their effort, so when they’re struggling or making mistakes, they can’t help but over-apologize with phrases like “I’m not usually like this” or otherwise.
3. People-pleasing
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Many women who’ve been praised for being likable and showing up for others may have simply masked their people-pleasing behaviors with sheer social likability. They weren’t afraid to put others’ needs ahead of themselves, so they protected the peace by shapeshifting their needs and personalities for the sake of other people’s comfort.
Especially for women in education, they’ve been pressured to people-please. They’ve been pressured to work twice as hard and to prove their intelligence, but also to protect the peace of their peers. So, it’s no surprise that they’ve struggled to unlearn those habits as adults in their own personal lives.
4. Always saying ‘yes’
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Many people-pleasers operate from a place of fear and “what ifs,” like “What if they think I’m mean for saying ‘no’?” or “What if they stop being my friend because I cancelled on them?” We want to care for our relationships and protect their stability, even if we’re ironically sabotaging them by putting our own needs to the side.
Like psychotherapist Leah Marone explains, boundaries and saying “no” are essential to building strong relationships, because you can’t show up as your best self for partners, family, and friends when you’re burnt out and exhausted.
Yet, many of these overachieving woman continue to say “yes” to everything and take on a million responsibilities to prove they can do it, even when they’re battling their own well-being to make space for it all.
5. Making their relationships transactional
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Overachieving often comes from desperately trying to avoid judgment or discontent. So, it’s not surprising that women who worked hard for the validation of their peers and professors know that all of their relationships are transactional in this manner.
They’re still avoiding judgment and coping with their fears of rejection, just by weaponizing their own feelings of self-worth against a partner. The truth? You don’t have to earn positive attention or convince others that you’re worthy of love. You just are.
6. Confusing their self-worth with achievements
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Women formerly known as “a pleasure to have in class” are likely dealing with a confusing sense of identity as adults. They believe that their self-worth is tied to their achievements and success, even if it’s on a subconscious level, so when they’re struggling at work or dealing with mental health, there’s an added layer of guilt and shame.
According to a study from Behavioral Sciences, self-esteem and motivation can often aid academic and professional performance, but when they’re in a symbiotic relationship, where both influence each other, it’s likely unhealthy.
7. Overthinking everything, all the time
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Even though overthinking often comes from a desire for control, according to British Psychological Society fellow Kyle Davies, it tends to cause more anxiety, depression, and fear in overachieving women. Especially in adulthood, where many more facets of life feel impossible to control, their overthinking tendencies can urge them to live constantly in their head, rather than in the present moment.
While they may have been able to control everything in school or at the beginning of their careers — from their likability to their success — it’s not so simple later in life. It takes a mix of mindfulness and internal self-assurance to find peace, not grasping at control by overthinking.
8. Staying in relationships out of ‘obligation’
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To achieve certain societal expectations and to continue being an “overachiever” even in their personal lives, many of these women also stay in situations and relationships that are no longer meant for them. They feel more like an obligation than a personal choice, because they believe that walking away is an admission of defeat — even when it’s actually a sign of self-assuredness.
Truly strong, confident woman don’t tolerate disrespect, but they also don’t stay silent in situations that don’t add joy or value to their lives. Not every relationship or situation is going to be easy all the time, but when you’re being actively hurt consistently, it’s not meant for you.
9. Avoiding conflict and confrontation
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Alongside people-pleasing tendencies, a desire to be liked, and a yearning for control, it’s no surprise that women formerly known as “a pleasure to have in class” are now dealing with avoidance as adults. They avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs, believing that making others uncomfortable or sabotaging their social perception equates to failure or defeat.
In reality, their ability to navigate conflict and have healthy conversations is the only way they can cultivate truly healthy and fulfilling relationships.
10. Struggling with self-concept and identity
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Many women formerly known as “a pleasure to have in class” were high-achieving and smart, but when it comes to navigating adulthood from an authentic identity and knowing what they truly want for themselves, they’re much more troubled. They may have learned to play by the rules or appease a professor’s expectations, but often at the expense of their own self-awareness and authenticity.
Like a study from the Journal of Personality explains, living an authentic life is about both knowing, understanding, and accepting yourself as you are, and by doing so, you will have a happier, more fulfilling life. This kind of self-love and acceptance is on the other side of growth for these women, and it’s luckily never too late to start reconnecting with themselves.
11. Feeling guilty for wanting
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Whether it’s wanting to make a decision that’s not in their family’s best interest or wanting to stray away from societal norms, women formerly known as “gifted” or “a pleasure to have in class” are likely dealing with guilt and internalized shame often.
They’ve been taught that their worth is tied to praise, playing by the rules, and accomplishing things that align with those expectations, but when they’re not, it’s guilt that sets in. If a woman is finally starting to put herself first or experiment with authenticity, this guilt can feel all-encompassing.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
