If You Heard These 11 Phrases Growing Up, Your Parents Were Probably More Self-Absorbed Than Supportive
Self-absorbed parents aren't particularly subtle about their narcissistic tendencies.
Andrey Arkusha / Shutterstock If you’re a "Sopranos" fan, you might remember the relationship Tony Soprano had with his mother, Liv. She was an extremely self-absorbed, narcissistic, and abusive parent. In an ideal world, parents like her wouldn’t exist, but they do.
Having a self-absorbed parent is a lot like dealing with a bully you can’t escape. That bully often makes you feel bad for asking for basic decency and encourages you to make yourself small so they feel big. If that sounds familiar to you, you probably also heard these phrases growing up, too.
If you heard these 11 phrases growing up, your parents were probably more self-absorbed than supportive
1. ‘You’re so dramatic'
Yuganov Konstantin via Canva
The most common thing that self-absorbed people do is minimize the needs and concerns of everyone around them. Gaslighting is the way it’s done, and that means they’ll make you feel crazy for whatever you bring up.
The easiest way to do this is to excuse a child’s complaints as being dramatic or as a tantrum. Then, when the child does flip out, it makes them look like the victimized parent.
2. ‘You’re the reason I did that’
victorcoscaron via Canva
Self-absorbed parents also cannot handle being blamed for their own shortcomings. The person who most often gets blamed is their own child. How dare their own child/accessory make them look bad in front of people?
Abusers often end up saying some form of “You made me do this,” and that includes the self-absorbed, narcissist variety of parents. It’s so common, psychologists even have a term for it: blame-shifting.
3. ‘Not right now, Mommy’s busy’
RDNE Stock Project from Pexels via Canva
Sometimes, the way a parent’s ego shows itself isn’t through direct abuse or minimizing issues. It can often show up by putting kids’ needs dead last. The mom who decides to go out with friends rather than go to her kid’s recital? Yep. That’s this mom.
Parents often think that being absent from all the little things won’t matter to their kids, but their kids notice it. It’s normal for parents to want some time alone, but when it becomes extremely common, the message it sends is clear.
4. ‘I know you needed [vital care item], but we wanted to get this [luxury item] instead’
JackF from Getty Images via Canva
If your parents are extremely self-centered, they may put their own enjoyment above your actual needs—such as healthcare, educational enrichment, or even something that could prevent you from getting hurt in school.
Thankfully, this has become somewhat rare since most people will notice when a child is neglected while their parents stay in the lap of luxury. Many self-centered people will try to cover up that inclination to save their reputation.
5. ‘‘Oh, poor you!’
SDI Productions from Getty Images via Canva
This was a classic line from "The Sopranos," straight from Liv herself. Any time Tony would call his mother out on her abuse or narcissism, she’d mock him by saying, “Oh, poor you!”
This is another way that narcissists tend to minimize their victims’ concerns and behavior. Think about the last time you complained about an absentee parent. You might have heard your mom roll her eyes and say, “Oh, yeah, life is soooo hard for you, isn’t it?“
6. ‘What about me?’
Syda Productions via Canva
Surprise! (Not really.) Self-centered people will often turn any conversation toward themselves and their needs, no matter how inappropriate it is. For example, you might hear a self-centered mom make demands on her daughter’s wedding day or you might hear a self-centered dad try to force a son into a job he doesn’t want.
As a child of a selfish parent, you already know the deal. If you try to point out that they are not the main character 24/7, the parent in question will most likely try to play the victim. It’s exhausting.
7. ‘You’re really selfish’
pocstock via Canva
The funniest (not actually funny) thing about selfish people is that they often can’t see how selfish they’re being. They genuinely think they’re being selfless and bullied by others—or at least, they definitely know how to play it.
Among psychologists, this is known as projection, which is accusing others of the very things you’re guilty of. It can be done consciously or subconsciously, but the basic result remains the same. It pushes the burden of responsibility onto someone else.
8. ‘That sounds like a ‘you’ problem’
August de Richelieu from Pexels via Canva
In an ideal world, parents are going to be the people you go to when you’re having serious issues. Whether it’s a problem with studying, a problem with being bullied, or anything else, your parents are supposed to be in your corner. Or at least, they’re supposed to try to help you with a solution.
Self-centered parents don’t really care about their kids’ problems. They often want as little to do with their kids as possible while also reaping the benefits of being a parent. Pushing their kids’ problems back onto the kids is the most common way they fix this.
9. ‘You owe me’
dimaberlinphotos via Canva
Self-centered parents tend to see parenting as a give-and-take, when in reality, it’s meant to be a selfless act. In other words, they view you as being indebted to them for being born.
They will let you know it, often by keeping score on things you did to upset them, things they had to give up for you, and other perceived reasons to be upset. If you don’t play along, the unending guilt trips and shaming will make your life a living nightmare.
10. ‘I can’t do anything right’
dimaberlinphotos via Canva
When actually confronted with abuse or hurt caused by their actions, many self-centered parents will make a point to attack their children for even bringing it up. It’s another form of blame-shifting, but just more aggressive.
This is a narcissist’s way of trying to get you to either back off and apologize or to make them seem like the victim to others.
11. ‘Why can’t you be more like [person]?’
Nadezhda1906 from Getty Images via Canva
The next on our list is the one that often gives away how narcissistic a parent really is: triangulating others around you. Self-centered people often use people like pawns, going so far as to make a game out of it for themselves.
A self-centered parent will often use other kids as a measuring stick for you, and trust me, you will never come out on top in a fair match. They are just using the other people they talk about as a way to control you, hurt you, and make you feel helpless.
It’s worth noting that this is not normal behavior for any parent to do. If your parents say this, it’s probably because they are too selfish to actually function in a parenting role. It’s not your fault. It just means that you can’t rely on your parents to actually be there when you need them.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
