11 Phrases Pushovers Use That People With A Backbone Would Never Say
Stop letting people walk all over you and learn how to assert boundaries.
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock When interacting with people, we always want to be polite, agreeable, and kind. But there definitely comes a point when people may start taking advantage of that kindness and will simply walk all over you. Not only do they know they can get away with it, but they've learned that you will never push back. It can be hard to be assertive, especially if you're someone who's been conditioned to think that standing up for yourself or putting your foot down is seen as being rude and uncooperative.
In life, there will be moments when you need to stand up for yourself, but unfortunately, some may never learn this, opting instead for one of the many phrases pushovers use that people with a backbone would never say. It's just another way people shrink themselves down just to avoid the possibility of conflict. But things like that are simply unavoidable. So, if you're someone who's trying to step into your power and gain more self-respect, it starts with noticing how you might be standing in your own way.
Here are 11 phrases pushovers use that people with a backbone would never say
1. 'It's fine, I don't mind'
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On the surface, this phrase may seem harmless, especially if you're being asked to do something that you really don't mind doing. But if you're someone who uses this phrase even though you know you don't want to do that one thing, but you would rather just avoid having a confrontation or conflict with someone, you may be a pushover.
People with strong boundaries are not agreeing to things they don't see themselves being able to do, or even wanting to do. They know their feelings are valid, and if someone reacts negatively to it, that says more about that other person than it does about them.
"It takes strength to talk about feelings and experiences that could be perceived as negative or weak. But research shows that it's healthier to communicate and share our fears and frustrations than to keep them bottled up inside," explained educator and journalist Becky Diamond.
2. 'Whatever you want is okay with me'
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"Whatever you want is okay with me" is one of the phrases pushovers use that people with a backbone would never say, often because these people would rather hide under the belief that they're just being flexible. But if this is your go-to phrase, you might be using it as a way to never have to express your own needs and preferences.
In favor of pleasing others, which is what a pushover normally does, you simply allow others to make the decision because you don't want to tread on anyone's toes. While it's perfectly fine to be accommodating, it shouldn't take precedence over your own needs and desires. You should be allowed to vocalize the things that you want to do, when you want to do them.
"If assertiveness were selfish or aggressive, we would expect it to hurt our relationships. On the contrary, research shows that greater assertiveness actually improves relationships, making them more harmonious and satisfying. Good things happen when people express their needs directly to one another," explained psychologist Seth J. Gillihan, PhD.
3. 'I don't want to be a bother'
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When someone feels hesitant to ask for help or reach out for support, they'll often use this phrase. While it may seem harmless at first, it's actually rooted in a deep desire to avoid having to inconvenience others.
Maybe an individual has a fear of making others feel burdened by what they have going on, or they just suffer from a deep discomfort to admit they're struggling. They may think it's actually selfish to seek out help when, in reality, it's quite the opposite.
"There's one more challenge to asking for help, though, and it might be the thorniest. Asking for help is an admission that you're ready for action, prepared to put your dreams to the test, and that is moth-to-the-flame stuff. The trouble with asking for help, in other words, is that you may get it!" behavioral specialist Gregg Levoy pointed out.
The most powerful thing you can do is be vulnerable and lean on others in moments of uncertainty, rather than not ask for help at all.
4. 'You're probably right'
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This phrase is frequently used when someone doesn't want to engage in a disagreement or feels unsure about their opinion. It's a passive-aggressive comment and a sign that someone just doesn't feel confident enough to voice their true thoughts, and will instead defer to the other person. This response usually just comes from a place of insecurity.
People who have strong boundaries are able to properly assert themselves in any room they walk into, even if it'll lead to a heated discussion. They're not just going to change their opinion to satisfy others.
"What's the cost you and the relationship will pay later if you don't assert yourself? If the relationship is important to you, give it the respect it deserves and assert your unmet needs," explained clinical psychologist Stephanie Catella. "Doing so will help you build your confidence in practicing assertiveness as well as prevent an accumulation of unresolved issues that can pull relationships apart or set into motion unhealthy relationship dynamics in which everyone pays a price."
5. 'I'm probably just overreacting'
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When a person is attempting to minimize their feelings and avoid appearing as if they're "too sensitive" or being "dramatic," they'll often use this phrase. However, it's damaging to invalidate your feelings like this, especially when those feelings are a direct response to something that may have hurt you. Dismissing your own emotional experience leaves room for others to do the same to you as well.
As psychologist Karyn Hall, PhD revealed, "Learning to self-validate is not so easy. Notice that mindfulness and self-validation go hand in hand. Being mindful of the thoughts you are having and the feelings you are experiencing is necessary before you can validate that internal experience."
6. 'It's my fault'
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Being someone who's decided to take responsibility for something that wasn't even your fault in the first place is usually a sign of being a pushover. If that's the case, people in this situation may utilize one of the many phrases pushovers use that people with a backbone would never say.
You're attempting to ease the tension and hopefully avoid having to be witness to confrontation, so instead you'll just take the blame even though you shouldn't have to. In order to maintain harmony, if you find yourself having to sacrifice your own well-being to avoid conflict, you're participating in people-pleasing behavior.
7. 'I guess I'll just deal with it'
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When someone with pushover tendencies uses this phrase, it's their way of not only suppressing their emotions, but resigning themselves to the fact that they have no other choice but to endure a situation. While there are times when resilience is important, you shouldn't have to sacrifice your energy and time to something that doesn't benefit you.
It's more than okay to not want to settle for enduring discomfort just for the sake of it. Being able to communicate your feelings and acknowledge when things make you uncomfortable is the first step in being assertive.
In fact, according to the Mayo Clinic, assertiveness has many benefits, including lessening anxiety. "Being assertive can also help boost your self-esteem and earn others' respect. This can help with stress management. It may especially help you reduce stress if you tend to take on too many responsibilities because you have a hard time saying no," they revealed.
8. 'Sorry I'm being so difficult'
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This phrase is typically used in situations where someone may feel guilty for making a request or even just expressing their emotions. On the surface, it may seem like a polite apology, but in actuality, it's a sign of self-doubt and an individual not wanting to make their needs known.
According to therapist Millie Huckabee, "People who apologize too much tend to feel inadequate, like they're a burden on others, or that their own existence isn't worth time and attention, leading them to focus too much on others." This can manifest as anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism and low self-esteem.
Simply existing isn't grounds for apologizing to others. You should always feel comfortable expressing and communicating without asking if that's somehow a problem. If someone else is bothered, that's their issue to deal with, not yours.
9. 'I shouldn't have said anything'
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When an individual uses this phrase, they are actively second-guessing themselves out of fear of upsetting or creating tension in a room. However, if you feel firm in something you're saying, you should feel more than comfortable expressing it without regret. Constantly questioning your words means that people around you won't be able to take you seriously.
Speaking up and being steady in the emotions you're feeling is part of not only developing healthy boundaries, but also healthy relationships where you're respected just as much as you respect yourself.
10. 'Don't worry about me'
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When someone says "Don't worry about me," one of the phrases pushovers use that people with a backbone would never say, they are attempting to not only minimize their feelings but their discomfort as well, just to make sure everyone around them is comfortable.
It means they're struggling with being a pushover. They're simply brushing off their emotional state because they don't want to burden others or they just feel their needs aren't important enough to be addressed.
While it's natural to want to protect your loved ones from worrying about your well-being, they also deserve to know if you're struggling. It's only then that they can offer the support and care needed to help you overcome whatever obstacle is in your way.
11. 'I just want everyone to like me'
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It's impossible for you to be liked by every single person you encounter in life, and it can be detrimental to your well-being to carry this burden that everything you do needs to impress the next person.
Facing rejection is simply a part of living and it doesn't take away from your value and worthiness as a person. When you finally are able to let go of that constant need for approval, you'll see that it's actually easier to assert boundaries and move through life as someone who no longer finds value in being a pushover.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
