11 Quiet Signs You Raised Your Kids Well, Even If They Don't Say It
M_Agency | Shutterstock Breaking free from harmful family dynamics is incredibly difficult, as there are no “black or white” solutions to ensuring everyone feels heard. Oftentimes, there’s a generational disconnect over trauma where parents and adult children harbor different perspectives or attitudes about the experience of their childhood. But when a parent makes a commitment to empathy when raising a family, it can have incredible benefits down the line, when their kids eventually grow up and become adults.
Whether it's admitting to mistakes or supporting your child's endeavors in life, these are just a few quiet signs you raised your kids well, even if they don't say it. Being a parent is a thankless job, but these indicators might help you validate your emotions and move forward without resentment.
Here are 11 quiet signs you raised your kids well, even if they don't say it
1. You allowed your kids to play in shared spaces
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
As a study from Home Cultures argues, families are being forced to accommodate the growing materialism of toys and activities at growing rates today, with “toy rooms” and separate spaces in their homes for children to play. However, a few decades ago, the space where children tended to play indicated their comfort levels at home.
Coined “living room families” in modern online discourse, children who were given the freedom and space to play in shared spaces, like a family room, were more likely to feel a comfortable sense of connection with their siblings and parents, compared to children who were expected to entertain themselves in their bedrooms.
Even in a digital age, families that gather to watch television together or play video games in a shared space are more likely to reap the benefits of connection and support at home, according to a report titled “Parenting For a Digital Future.”
2. Your kids are fiercely independent
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
There’s a tricky balance between being lenient with your kids and ensuring they’re looked after when you’re not around. But the most important thing is that they’re supported through the ups and downs that come with growing up.
By letting your kids experience discomfort and problem-solving independently, you set them up for adulthood in ways they can’t learn with an overbearing parent. It gives them the tools to handle situations on their own, using their experience and skills to get through it.
Of course, physical and emotional support from parents early in life is essential. According to a study from Psychology and Aging, it often has an impactful association with an adult child’s mental health in adulthood, but ensuring they learn critical thinking skills and autonomy is equally influential.
3. You feel like you communicate well with your family
fizkes | Shutterstock
Even if open communication sparked conflict in your relationships at home, whether between a partner or a child, being communicative at home is incredibly influential for children as they navigate adult relationships and connections. And if you feel like you communicate well with your family and children now that time has passed, it's one of the quiet signs you raised your kids well, even if they don't say it.
According to a study published in Handbook of Parenting and Child Development Across the Lifespan, the quality of parenting that children receive early in life, from communication styles to self-regulation, dramatically influences the health and well-being of adult children.
Seeing their parents argue or feeling pressured into open discussion as a child might have been difficult for many to experience. Though, much research suggests this open communication style helps them build healthier and more trusting connections in adulthood.
4. You admit to making mistakes and learning from them
Andrey_Popov | Shutterstock
According to Armin A. Brott, a fatherhood expert and author of “The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year,” making mistakes as a parent can teach your children that perfectionism isn’t healthy, and that errors are meaningful and impactful for personal growth. If you can admit to the mistakes you've made as a parent over the years, it means you're raising your kids well.
It’s impossible to be a perfect parent, of course, especially amid the chaos of life and responsibilities, and making mistakes is always inevitable. They may have hurt your children or impacted their perception of you, but at the end of the day, “the only way you’ll become a competent, confident parent,” as Brott argues, is by making mistakes.
Kids are resilient. If you can validate their emotions surrounding a mistake you made, take accountability when necessary, and openly talk about it, there’s nothing more you could have done to mitigate their hurt.
5. Your kids feel like they can talk openly to you
fizkes | Shutterstock
Even if you made a mistake, said the wrong thing, or sparked a negative emotion in your kids, their ability to communicate that to you says a lot about your parenting. “It’s usually a sign that you’ve set a boundary, stood your ground, and enforced a consequence when it was broken,” Brott added.
If your kids can effectively communicate their hurt to you, even in response to something you’ve done, you've led by example, and it's another of the quiet signs you raised your kids well, even if they don't say it. You taught them that it’s okay to advocate for yourself, set boundaries, and have open discussions about difficult emotions and topics, even if it isn’t entirely comfortable.
6. You tried your best
Chokniti Studio | Shutterstock
As relationship coach Stacey Martino explained, you aren’t born knowing how to parent. In many cases, parents are forced to realize that they’re “not great at it” right from the beginning. All that you can do for your children is to do the best you can, even when you’re navigating their transition into adulthood or having conversations about their negative experiences from childhood.
If you were committed to what matters — loving your kids, emotionally and physically supporting them, and listening to their concerns — the rest comes with time. As long as you tried your best, experienced growth as your kids grew older, and were open to taking accountability for mistakes when they happened, nobody can expect you to “be perfect.”
7. You try to understand your kids' emotions and feelings
Fit Ztudio | Shutterstock
Research published in Child Development found that parental pressure can significantly affect a child's psychological well-being, intentional or not. From depression and anxiety to social withdrawal and struggles with social connection in adulthood, pressure-driven parenting tends to manifest as a “transactional relationship” where kids feel unsupported.
As jouranlist and maternal mental health advocate Jennifer Breheny Wallace suggests, a “so what” attitude is the opposite attitude many parents unknowingly adopt to support their children and help them prioritize their emotional well-being. Instead of focusing on their material things or academic accomplishments, you make space for more personal things, perhaps asking, “What made you laugh today?” instead of “What did you learn?”
Parents who see their kids as human beings rather than someone they control or watch over make space for their true identity to shine and grow, rather than pressuring them to fit a specific mold or reach certain expectations to prove themselves worthy.
8. Your kids come back to visit you
fizkes | Shutterstock
As psychologist Dr. John Townsend argues, family dynamics will inevitably shift as children grow into adults, leave their homes, and embark on their life journey away from their parents. While this new independence and identity-shaping journey can be rugged for many parents to accept, it’s a sign of successful parenting, not a rejection of their upbringing.
Even if you have arguments or disagreements, your kids' tendency to come back and visit you or even call you to ask for advice and chat is a sign that they miss you and value your presence in their lives. Even if they’re not actively saying how much they love and care for you, or how they appreciate your parental sacrifices, this gesture of time and energy is profound.
9. Your kids ask you for help
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
Perhaps one of the most important yet quiet signs you raised your kids well, even if they don't say it, is when they continue to ask you for help, even well into adulthood. Your kids respect you enough to vent about their struggles or even ask for advice, indicating that they view you as a pillar of guidance and support.
Psychologists Judith Tutin knows how parent-child relationships shift like this as kids move into adulthood and provide helpful reminders to parents giving advice. Many parents struggle to view their adult children outside of their childhood identities, so it’s important to always respect a request for advice rather than giving it out unprompted.
Ensure that you ask questions like “What do you need right now?” or “Would you like suggestions?” before giving out advice, and always respect their answers. Because parents who give unsolicited advice are more likely to find their parent-child relationship strained.
10. You agree to disagree
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
As children grow into adults, they’ll inevitably meet people with different perspectives, attitudes, and values. Still, how they treat those differences can say a lot about how they were raised. If you could create a judgment-free environment centered around communication at home, they’re likely more comfortable around people different from them.
Even if the person they disagree with is you, that’s a testament to their freedom to develop their ideas and perspectives. They can accept that there’s not necessarily a “right and wrong” in life, because treating other people with the respect they were given at home to explore and embody their beliefs are part of their core values.
11. You're their number one fan
fizkes | Shutterstock
Being your child's biggest supporter, whether it's when they're young or as an adult, means you encourage them to be themselves, go after their goals, allow them to try new things, and are consistent in making them feel encouraged. Even if you don't necessarily agree with some of their choices, you let them work through it, because that's how they grow and learn.
It doesn't mean being your child's best friend, as this can have negative consequences; rather, it's keeping appropriate boundaries and letting them forge their own path forward. You may not be a perfect parent and have certainly made mistakes, but at least your child will always know you're there for them, no matter what.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
